Category: depression

Interesting European date format today. I am a number nerd.

I woke up at 6 am to pee and then I don’t know what happened. I took my meds around 830 and I was in pain. Both sides of my ribs hurt all along the rib cages. I couldn’t get comfortable. I took a BT med and feel better now. I got up at 1300. I just wanted coffee. I had it with some Belvita. Now I want to go back to sleep.

I sent my therapist a text saying I was getting increasingly suicidal but didn’t tell her why. It is because of the gender dysphoria and my upcoming top surgery appt. I am feeling stressed out about it. I have two recent articles that support me in saying obese males doesn’t cause complications and shouldn’t be a deterrent for surgery. I wish I wasn’t going alone to this appt.

I have been trying to distract myself from my thoughts. I’ve tried clearing off my bed but I have no place to put the stuff other than on top of other stuff. I’ve been taking things off here and there. I am making progress but it isn’t as fast as I want to go. Oh well.

I don’t feel like going to therapy this week. I know my therapist will give me shit if I try to cancel. I really don’t want to talk about being suicidal. She doesn’t want to hear it anyway. She would rather I use some skills or coping things than to talk about it anyway. This is where we differ.

The When it is Darkest book covered the Aeschi way of suicidal prevention intervention. Now I want to find the book and read it again. This way fits in how I want to be treated when I am suicidal. Also would like CAMS but no one in Boston is certified with it. I wonder if I asked my therapist if we have a good alliance what she would say. I feel like sending her a message through the patient web thing and see if she will answer me.

I’m going to look up the Aeschi blog I wrote a few years ago. I think I know where the book is but it is buried and I would have to move a lot of stuff to get it and hope I don’t cause an avalanche.

I have been in such a depressive funk the past few days. Baseball is on hold as they delayed Spring Training. I am so upset. The owners and players have to come to an agreement and they haven’t so that is why it is delayed. Bastards.

Calico kitten

Rest day

All I did today was rest. I took my morning meds really late though. I am not really worried as the only med that is vaguely important is my pain meds but I will just take my night meds later than usual. I am listening to Taylor’s Speak Now. I love Back to December so I have it on repeat.

My mother made the fish I bought yesterday. She also made potatoes and artichokes. I just had the fish and potatoes. I wasn’t in the mood for an artichoke. Because my mother’s back hurt, I had to clean off the table and put the extra food away. I did and then came upstairs. My heart rate wasn’t high today. It was normal 130s.

I have about two months before my appointment with the top surgery surgeon. I keep thinking of it as a death day. I am cold. I have no feelings other than sadness. I will be going alone to this appointment. I am not really sure where it is and if it is accessible by T or if I will need to Uber it. I know it will cost me $70 for copay. I hope it isn’t the price I pay to die. I just have this feeling of dread.

I am so damn tired even though I slept late this afternoon. It wasn’t a restful sleep though. I kept waking up from weird dreams. Then I had to pee really bad and that is when I got up. I had a message from my pcp’s office. It was about the palpitations that I have been having. They didn’t offer too much advise other than it was important to record these events and see what is going on. I went up the stairs twice and my heart rate didn’t go above 135 today. So weird.