Category: depression

It’s almost 330. I’ve been up since 2 with being hot and sweaty and having shoulder pain. The muscles in my armpit are tight and they hurt. I’ve been trying to massage them. I should put heat on them but I don’t want to go downstairs.

I’m writing in my journal. I can’t take Twitter anymore. Too much pain with the Ukraine situation and trans youth being discriminated against. Beto Rourke post something to support the youth but until the damn thing is off the law books nothing will change. It just breaks my heart.

I just started reading a book called Cry of Pain. It is good except I hate the author writing committed suicide in it. It should be died by suicide. He also uses completed suicide which I hate. I am reading the 2014 edition of the book so these terms should not be in there. It is old and outdated.

I hope I get some sleep tonight. We’ll see…

Having a hard few days

Yesterday I canceled therapy. I was so overwhelmed with everything and what is going on in Texas and Florida that I just didn’t want to talk about anything. I slept the afternoon after shutting my phone off. For some reason, I do sleep better with my phone off than I do when it is on. I am also stressed about the Ukraine situation and wonder if WWIII will be happening soon.

This morning I got a DM from a friend who is doing Peds residency in Ohio. She was stressed out and said that she will be off social media for a while. I felt her pain and distress because I am going through it as well (in regards to Texas and Florida). I feel so bad for these kids and their parents. I do hope that child protective services doesn’t separate kids just because their parents affirmed them. But if history is anything, I bet POC and Hispanic families will be targets first. Just makes me sick.

I have barely eaten all week and if my scale it right, I lost more than I wanted to. So I am celebrating by ordering a chicken ceasar salad and papusas. I have been dying to get a grilled chicken salad for a while and this Spanish place makes a good one. It is cold today but the only place I need to go to is the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I am going to pick them up after I eat.

For the first time all week, I slept through the night last night. I didn’t get up till 4am to pee. I paid some bills and then went back to sleep. I still had the ringer off so I slept through my med alarm. I slept till around 0930 when I had to pee again. I took my meds and then texted my therapist for a time for next week as we didn’t discuss this yesterday. She was kind of weird on me when I told her I was skipping session. She asked how was she to respond? How the fuck do I know? Tell me to see me next week then. And that is what we did.

I had my lunch and now I want to nap. Most of my meds are ready at the pharmacy, except the one I really need like my pain meds! They said it would be ready at 11a today. It is now 3pm and it still isn’t ready. I might pick it up tomorrow. I really want to sleep.

I’ve just been drinking water today to try and conserve my Gatorade supply. I haven’t brushed my teeth today yet. I really need to shower as I stink. I shut the ceiling fan off and I have been sweating. I haven’t showered all week. I need to shave downstairs. I found this hair removal stuff that works pretty good and doesn’t irritate me. I just got to find time to do it and the energy. I never have the energy to do anything to do with self-care. It is just so damn hard. Just brushing my teeth is a struggle every day. Some days I can just go ahead and do it and other days it just stresses me out. I feel bad when I don’t brush or shower. I used to be able to shower every other day but now it is more like once a week, if that. It just takes so much out of me and sometimes I just don’t have the spoons to deal with it.

Sliver of hope

I had sent messages to my therapist and psychiatrist about how poorly my depression is due to the gender dysphoria. My psychiatrist responded last night and said that the place where I get my healthcare doesn’t have BMI as a requirement for top surgery. I am kind of confused as my PCP at the time said that I had to be a 30 just to be referred to the surgeon. So once the cardiac issues have been figured out, I am asking for a referral. It will be much easier to get my surgery done there than at another office. I feel better about this but am still depressed.

I didn’t get any sleep again last night. I was up in pain most of the night. My shoulder kept on waking me up every few hours. I would have to sit up and wait for the pain to go away before trying to sleep again. Then the same thing would happen a few hours later. I tried to sleep in the morning but my mother and nephew were making a lot of noise downstairs so I couldn’t really rest. I feel like shit.

I just had coffee. I was debating whether to have hot or iced coffee. I had bought a cold brew but I haven’t opened it yet. I have to be in the mood for iced coffee as I have gotten used to hot. I am so sleepy.

I have therapy tomorrow and don’t feel like going. I just feel like it is a waste of time.