Category: depression

Frustrated with therapy

I have been up since 0100 and have been researching things to say in therapy today. I have been up all night. I tried a few times to go to sleep but I was too wired. So far today I have had three cups of coffee and a cup of tea. I should drink some water soon. But all the research I brought to therapy today was not readily welcomed. She doesn’t have time to read a book about CBT brief therapy no matter how short it is. Which leaves me to just research, aka reading the suicide books to learn more about suicide to help myself. This is the work that I need to do outside of therapy.

I realized today she didn’t validate anything that I said to her about how I was feeling or what my thoughts were. I dumped all the stuff toward the end of session and because of that I have another session this week to discuss things further. I told her I wasn’t eating and she said my cognitions are going to be affected. Maybe but I got to lose this weight and I am so close to my goal. I did breakdown and order McDs last night because I was so hungry. I felt I had to. It was so good. I was hoping it would cause me to sleep and it did for a couple of hours until I woke up needing to pee. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep, at all. I was hyped up about the book I was reading and nervous about therapy. I did some research about RCT (random controlled trials) and CAMS/DBT/CBT. I found a couple of articles, one I bought because I really wanted it. So I was set with being prepared to answer her questions should they come up about what to do with my suicidality.

However, she doesn’t know what to do with my suicidality. She doesn’t have time to read the book. We agreed that therapy would be a narrative but that is as far as we got. When I told her what I have been thinking the past few weeks and that I wasn’t eating, time was out before she could say what she wanted to say so we are meeting again this week. She didn’t validate anything I said. I think she could see where the cognitive distortions were. We briefly went over a half assed safety plan.

So now we have another day this week to go over what I said and to deal with it. I am tired and going to go back to sleep. I just took my night meds with water because I forgot to put a bottle of Gatorade on my night stand.

Beautiful sad tragic

I am listening to Taylor Swift on my laptop as my phone charges. I got up around 10. Brushed my teeth then had some coffee and a muffin. I went upstairs to bring my packages. I got the willpower to shower. I feel better. I am not sure if I lost my blog streak because I didn’t blog yesterday. I have been in bed the past two days. I didn’t mean to be but I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I was in a lot of pain Thurs and didn’t sleep. I didn’t eat much the past few days. I had a bowl of cereal for dinner yesterday because that is all that I wanted.

I am purposedly not eating so I lose weight. I have another 10 pounds to go before I start eating again. Then I will order a big mac that I have been craving. I hope I can order a Shamerock shake if they have it available. I love this shake.

I got the 2lb weights out of the box. I am hoping to do some curls today. I haven’t done them in a while. I haven’t done any home exercises in a while. But then it is lucky if I fricken shower so. I don’t know why my depression is so bad. I might skip therapy again. Just takes so much out of me. I am entering my third year with her. Some days I feel like things will work out with her and then there are other days when I wonder why I am still with her. Renegade song is strong with how I feel about therapy right now.

I’ve been up most of the night. I’ve had a few hours of sleep here and there but this shoulder pain keeps waking me up. I’m so pissed off because it really isn’t the shoulder but the muscles around it. The muscles in my armpit are tight. They feel like strong on a guitar. I’ve tried putting heat on but I might need to be dry needled.

I read some of my new book Cry of Pain. I like it. It talked about the history of suicide and how it was a crime. People who died by suicide lost their possessions to the king/crown instead of to their next of kin. There were laws in place for it then there were law about attempted suicide where they would be placed either in jail, workhouses, or asylums. Just cruel to those in serious pain. There was no such thing as mental health services in those days. You were just treated as a criminal hence the committed suicide came from. Hope the book gets better after this horrible chapter.

My niece mailed my monitor back. So now we wait for results. Could be mid-March before I see results. I’m not sure it is going to show anything other than tachycardia. I hope there is evidence to help my case that a beta blocker would be what i need. I know it will help the anxiety somewhat like it did before.

My foot/ankle has been acting up for most of the afternoon/evening. It is stressing me out. I sent a message to my therapist about it. I didn’t hear back. I wasn’t expecting one. I am really tired but also in a lot of pain. I’ve been taking the BT meds. It hasn’t helped. Pain is still a 9. We got a lot of snow so I think that is why I am so flared up. I never showered today but did manage to brush my teeth and shave my mustache off. I thought of taking the beard off but I wasn’t in the mood.