Category: depression

Red Taylor’s Version

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Red Taylor’s Version

I am still waiting for my CDs to be delivered from Amazon so I am listening to this album via Amazon Music because I pay for the unlimited. I had downloaded the songs but apparently the buy CD get digital free doesn’t work anymore. I have downloaded the songs but they are just on the app and not on my phone.

I just finished listening to the album the entire way through, without the shuffle on or repeat on. I fucking love it. Her version of Better Man is so fricken cool. I still think of my father with this song. I was ok with Babe but Jennifer Nettles sings it better. And for the life of me I cannot think who sang Better Man first so I had to google it to find Little Big Town did. I listened first on speaker and now I am listening via headphones to get a better experience of it. Some of the songs sound better than the original version. You can definitely hear the more mature Taylor’s voice on the album. I love the addition of violins to Last Time. When the album first came out I was fixated on this song. I must have listened to it a thousand times but I just love the melody of the song rather than I listened to the lyrics.

The “All too well” 10 minute version is so fucking cool. It kind of messed me up when listening to it because of the added lyrics. I cannot wait to see the movie tonight at 7pm. I cannot believe how well this song is. I thought it would be instrumental but I am so glad there is lyrics. There are a couple of songs that I didn’t hear before because they were on the deluxe album and I didn’t purchase it. Ronan was and is a sad song. It is about a four year-old’s death. The lyrics are stunningly beautiful. I never heard this song before now but I heard about it from a fellow Swiftie I follow on Twitter. Amazon delivered my songs and I got them on my phone now. After dealing with my stupid MP3 app, I have all 30 songs in a folder/playlist so I don’t have to play each album separately. Dumb thing.

Arm is hurting me today but that is because I am using the muscles a little more and I made the mistake of lifting my arm while trying to lift my Tshirt up so I could put my phone in my pocket. I am more left handed than I think I am. I write like a second grader because that was the last time I wrote with my hand. I never realized how much I use my arm until I hurt it. Even typing hurts my sore forearm.

I had two cups of coffee back to back as I was listening for the first time the new album. It caused colon blow but I am ok. I made it to the bathroom in time. But I am so damn tired. I could nap right now. I was up a few times during the night. I woke up sometime before 4 to use the bathroom. I didn’t know if I had to go or not when I woke up. I never really went back to sleep. I got up around 9. I took my meds and then listened to the album as I made coffee. I had the kitchen to myself as my mother was leaving the house for an appointment. I had a bowl of cereal as I was starving. I hadn’t eaten anything since last night when my mother made eggplant. I haven’t been eating too good lately. I just been eating one meal a day. My mother is making fish tonight so I will have some of that. I didn’t have lunch yet. I don’t really know what to make. I should make some eggs. I haven’t had them in a while. I don’t know.

my rest day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

My rest day

Yesterday was a long ass day. I saw the shoulder specialist and it was a long visit. I had to have x-rays done. He said healing should occur in like two months but I should be having strengthening PT by then. I also didn’t have to wear the sling anymore so I could have movement in my arm. He said the muscles in my arm are strained. Great. I follow up with him in two months.

After that I went to Starbucks and got something to eat and have a mocha. I sat outside and ate and just played on my phone. I still had time before my next appointment with urology. After drinking the big cup of mocha I went to the appointment a half hour early so that I could give a urine sample. I wait an hour more as there was an emergency in the clinic. I had my test which was about an hour and was uncomfortable. The doctor heard what I was saying and did a pelvic exam that was uncomfortable too. The test didn’t show anything different but my pelvic floor muscles are tight and they could be what is causing my pain and urgency. I need to see a pelvic floor PT. Nope not happening. I am not going for that kind of invasive PT. I will just keep doing what I am doing.

I left the office three hours later and I was hungry and tired. I came home but all I did was crawl into bed and waited until it was at least 7pm so I could take my night meds to sleep. I sent a message to the uro to see if I am still to cath and take the bladder medicine as we didn’t discuss that. She said that I am.

I spent the day in bed. I got up around 1230p to have coffee and something to eat. My nephew was having something to eat when I said hi to him. I love him so much. After I finished my coffee, I went back to bed but I couldn’t sleep. I was having muscle aches from the fall. My left side is so sore from pulling the muscles in my arm and shoulder. I wanted to shower today but couldn’t bring myself to do it so I just shaved my head. I had to because it was blending in as I haven’t shaved in a few days. It took a while to shave as there was a lot of hair. I thought about jumping in the shower but I didn’t have clothes with me. I will take one tomorrow.

Today is my godmother’s birthday. I’ve been thinking about her all day. I was talking to my cousins about her. It helped. We usually spend the time seeing each other to celebrate but because of covid we haven’t been able to get together.

I had PTSD symptoms last night while trying to get to sleep. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about it much. I just took some Ativan to calm down. I was intermittently suicidal as I wanted to take a bottle of pills. I just hated how I felt. So today I am tired. It was a hard day yesterday but I made it through and I didn’t overdose like I wanted to. It was hard getting through those feelings.

shoulder pain and PT

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Shoulder pain and PT

I saw the ortho doc yesterday and he recommended PT. He had said something about seeing a shoulder specialist but I thought it was if this didn’t get better or if it got worse. But today I got a call from the shoulder specialist and will be meeting with him tomorrow.

I had therapy today and we discussed the blog I wrote about hopelessness. She thought it was interesting that my chronic pain had gone down when the depression had gotten better. It is a chicken and egg kind of scenario because I really don’t know what got better first. I know that since my back surgery, my CRPS pain for the most part has been low. There might be a day or a few days where it is at a high level. Every day my foot throbs but for the most part it is tolerable. We talked about this. During the whole session my eyes were tearing. I don’t know why they were. It was bugging the crap out of me. Therapist asked if I was crying. I told her no. She said she had to check. LOL

I rested after therapy for a bit. I should have taken a shower but I was so damn tired I didn’t think of it. I went to PT and my PT said that she would treat both my shoulder and back as it happened to occur due to the same fall that I took. I told her I dislocated my shoulder and when it went back in place, I broke the bone. She was amazed that I did that in one fall. She said reading the reports were worse than seeing me in person. I am glad about that. She gave me the typical back exercises to do and to keep up with the shoulder stuff that I have been doing.

I came home tired and hungry. I had a bowl of cereal. That is really all I have been eating these days. Last night I tried sleeping sitting up but it didn’t last. I have to lie down to sleep. But I kept my shoulder as flat to my chest as possible. It really hurts right now and I have been in the sling all day. My arm hurts really bad. I hope I can sleep tonight because I have an early appointment tomorrow with the specialist. Then in the afternoon I see my urologist. Going to be a long day and I am grateful I don’t have any more appointments for the rest of the week. I am going to need to rest and I don’t care if I am in bed all day.