Category: depression

I had a rough night. I woke up with my throat burning from acid in my stomach. It wasn’t until I took some Mylanta that the pain settled down and I was able to swallow without it hurting so much. All I had was avocado toast and buttermilk pancakes. I didn’t have coffee today but had a mocha latte thing that I bought. It was pretty good and it the sweet spot.

I slept all morning. I shut my ringer off and slept better. My mother called me just as I was waking up. She wanted me to put some cream on her back as it was hurting. It is a hemp cream. She has been doing laundry all morning. The washing machine is pretty steep so even I had trouble getting clothes out of it. I folded towels for her.

I am so tired. Not really doing anything today. Going to read my book. Have 4 chapters left so I could finish it this weekend if I put some time in it. I read a dull chapter about memories and it was a real struggle to keep reading it. Just was saying the same thing but in different ways.

I had a spinach salad for lunch. Also had some fig newtons. One of my favorite kinds of cookies. My mother’s too. She had already opened the package. Debating on taking a nap. Chicken is in the fridge so looks like my mother is going to make it for dinner. I don’t feel like cooking. I had ordered Brie with my groceries and it wasn’t delivered. I was really looking forward to a turkey wrap with it. I have to go to the grocery store next week to get half and half so will pick some up when I go.

I honestly don’t know how to take my therapy anymore. I am so very suicidal and my therapist is not being helpful. frankly I just want to be done with it as I just am going to die anyways so why the fuck bother. as I am suicidologist I am trying to do the work outside of therapy to find some hope that I can hang on to. and also to share things with my therapist so she can try and help me. it is just overwhelming me because I know how to get out of this but my therapist doesn’t and no pun intended, it is killing me. why pay for therapy if I am just going to do it on my own anyways. what is the point of it all. I just don’t see it.

 

A bill was passed in Iowa today banning female trans kids from performing in sports. A Florida high school kid got suspended indefinitely because he handed out pride flags at a protest for the “don’t say Gay” ban. And parents are being hunted down for affirming their transgender child. I can’t take it anymore so I am off Twitter for the night. I will read my book. I’d like to finish it by this weekend anyway and start the Brief CBT book I just bought.

 

I didn’t sleep well again last night. I woke up around midnight in pain and found it difficult to sleep. I was up every 3 hours or so. Was a really bad night.

Pic of white bulldog puppy. I thought it was cute to put in my blog today. I have a sore arm from therapy. I am not feeling good but might shower.

I am nervous about my appt with therapist tomorrow. I need to get a new scale because the one I have doesn’t seem to give me the right weight. It said I was 176 Sun and now a few days later I am 195 when I haven’t eaten anything significant! I don’t know what is true. I had some toast today with the last of the Kerrygold butter. That has been all I’ve eaten in two days. I know in therapy we are going to discuss it and I don’t want to.

My new CBT suicide book just got delivered. I wonder why I am still researching method on suicide prevention when they fall on deaf ears in therapy. She doesn’t have the time to look into this stuff. She doesn’t know what I know. And I don’t know what she knows. We are trying to come to an understanding. So tough when you are hurting so badly you just want to die.

New scale came. Guess all this starving myself hasn’t yielded any weight loss. Fuck. I am upset.

PT on a cold winter day

I froze my butt off waiting for the bus to go to PT. It was really cold out with a windchill about 26. I was early for my appointment as I got the early bus. I just sat in the waiting room and read Twitter while I waited. My PT said my muscles were really tight. It hurt to massage them, god did it hurt. I feel better though. She gave me a new exercise to do.

I just had some toast with my coffee. I needed something hot. I am fricken cold. I am grateful I live in a warm house. I have been having bladder pains today. It could be because I just have had coffee today. Been trying to drink water but I am not really thirsty.

I am so tired. I slept ok. I had weird dreams again. Hope I can sleep at a normal time tonight. I went to bed at 7 last night. I was exhausted.