Be gentle with yourself
I finished Cry of Pain and the last page of the book had me awed. It delivered a message of hope to those who are trapped. The next to last line was basically saying to be gentle with yourself. I have read hundreds of self-help and psychology books but none had delivered this kind of message. I found it soothing.
I had a hard time waking up today. My med alarm went off and I just laid there. An hour later I had to pee so I took my meds before going to the bathroom. I didn’t feel like facing the day so went back up to my room and went back to bed. I slept until 1pm. I was hungry and was craving pancakes. I had to pee again so I got up though I really didn’t want to. I used the bathroom and then made some coffee and heated up some pancakes.
I came back to my room after I ate and wondered what to do. I had to shower and I still haven’t done so. It is warm in my room and I am sweating. It is 63 degrees out today. I am glad it didn’t rain like it was supposed to. The snow off the back porch has melted. I hope that is the last of the snow for the season. I finished reading the book and now I am tempted to start a new one but am hesitant to do so for some reason. The book, Brief CBT for suicide prevention, is dense and has a lot of stuff in it. I am sure it will be useful for therapy. I just don’t know if I want to dive into another suicide book. This will be the 3rd in a row that I have read. I still kind of wish I could go to Starbucks and read there to break up the monotony of reading in my room.
I wish I could say that even though the Cry of Pain gave me some kind of hope at the end, I still am quasi suicidal. I have been thinking of ways to possibly live with the possibility of the surgeon denying my top surgery. I could just go on. I don’t think I can though. Not this time. This has to do with my body and how I feel about it and I just can’t go on with the things on my chest. I am trapped in my body and I have nowhere to go. I can’t be “me”. And I don’t think I can live with that. It is too painful.
Saturday Blog 05032022
My mother made blueberry muffins so my room smells fruity. I slept for more than 20 hours and I still feel tired. My sore arm has been bothering me all day. It woke me up briefly during the night so I just moved it. I didn’t want to get up. I had drank a lot of water and had a coffee before sleeping. By 1am I had to go pee. It was the only time I got up. I also took my meds as I didn’t take them. I woke up today and I had to go to the bathroom really bad. My mother stepped into the bathroom and it was all I needed to have an accident. I pooped my pants. I didn’t even feel it as I just saw the mess when I took my pants down. I was not happy. I need to take a shower but I am in too much pain with my arm.
I have to brush my teeth today. It has been three days since I last did so. I lost my streak. I have just been so depressed. I had sent a message to my psychiatrist that my depression is worse. I also told him about my weight loss struggles. He said that he would do some med change at next appointment. I see him in a few weeks, the same week I see my TG doc. Ironically, I see him on my father’s birthday. March is a very heavy anniversary month. I first attempted suicide 31 years ago today. Monday will be the first time I entered therapy where I lied my ass off saying I wasn’t suicidal. I didn’t want to be in “trouble”. They dismissed me and didn’t offer any other therapy. I didn’t want therapy but the school nurse convinced me to see the school counselor.
I wanted to make turkey bacon for dinner but I don’t feel like cooking so I just spent my last twenty bucks on McD’s. I have had a shitty day so I need comfort food. Arm is still sore so with my 4PM meds I took a pain med. I don’t know why my bicep hurts. I see PT on Tues.
While I was reading Cry of Pain the other day, I came across a term called “brief affective reaction” which got me thinking about “acute suicidal affective disturbance”. It is something I texted my therapist about and will talk to her about on Mon when I see her. I don’t think she has heard of it before and I wish I could send her the PDF but I can’t. I can only send pics through the patient web thing. I found the PDF that highlights the disturbance. I will share the screen when I talk to her on Zoom on Mon. I have added the picture here if you want to look at what constitutes as criteria. It isn’t a good pic as I took the pic of my laptop screen. I tried to screenshot the page but I don’t know how to do it.
My sleepy hour has approached. I am so tired. I think the uro meds causes some of the drowsiness I feel but I can’t say for sure. I hope I can sleep tonight without pain. I will take a BT med before I lay down. Sometimes that helps to ease the pain a little bit so I can get to sleep.
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