Category: depression

tolerate it

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Tolerate it

I had therapy today. She got my message about hopelessness and we discussed it for a bit. Until my ankle exploded in pain. I swear I thought the bones were going to shatter, that is how much it hurt. I told her I was in pain and she asked if there was an emotional component to it. I had to agree there was. Any time I feel strong emotion, my pain goes up. I had brought this to her attention maybe a year if not more ago and she still remembers. So we talked about the emotions I was feeling in the moment. She said that despite me having a good spell right now there could be relapse. I’m glad she is aware of this because it would kill me to go through this alone again.

After therapy, I shaved and took a shower. I shaved my underarms and hurt my left arm while shaving my right. I was already hurting from not sleeping all night. I wanted to take a nap after the shower but decided to eat something. I ordered Chipotle and it was a good meal, albeit cold. I didn’t care. It was still good. I decided to write this blog than sleep. I don’t think I can sleep anyways as my arm is still so damn sore. I had taken a pain med but now I think I need to take another one with an ibuprofen chaser.

I had two cups of coffee today to help keep me awake. I’ve also been drinking Gatorade to keep my fluids up as tomorrow I am going for a blood draw. I see my pcp tomorrow as well. I am going to have my knee looked at because after nearly a month since the fall, it is still hurting me. I don’t know if it is because it is bruised or if I did something to it. I hope it is just bruised. It is going to be a long day tomorrow. I am glad I don’t have plans for Wed. other than seeing my sister for her birthday. It will give me some time to rest.

I am getting my haircut tomorrow after my doctor’s appointment. I plan on getting it cut to a three on top. I probably will have to shower again. One of my dear friends called me today. We talked for about an hour. It was good catching up with her. She wants me to come over her house for Turkey day and Christmas. I don’t know if I will go both holidays. Maybe just Christmas this year. I don’t know. Depends on what my family is planning.

Yesterday, a beloved member of Red Sox Nation died from cancer. Today the great Aaron Beck died. He created CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. He was such a good psychologist. I am saddened by these deaths.

My left side hurts so much right now. I took my meds but it is going to be at least an hour before I feel somewhat better. I am thinking of having another cup of coffee or tea. My sister made a seven layer bar that is out of this world. I might have a piece with a cup of tea. I haven’t had a cup of tea in a great while. I will have it in my Sox mug that my brother in law gave me one Christmas. It is my favorite mug for tea. Might also warm me up. It is kind of chilly in my room with the temps going down now.

Kitty pic

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

A ginger kitten in a vest hugging a teddy bear while snoozing on a pink pillow

Saturday Blog 30102021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 30102021

I started a blog yesterday afternoon when inspiration hit and unfortunately, my emotions shut it down. I still can’t go back to it yet so I sent it to my therapist and maybe I can finish writing it. I think it is an important thing for me to write about but the emotions surrounding it are powerful.

I woke up around 2 last night in pain. I emptied my bladder because it had been close to seven hours since I last did it. I tried going back to sleep but I was too woken up. I stayed up for a few hours and then finally went back to sleep. I don’t remember my med alarm going off but I must have shut it off. I didn’t stir but just went back to sleep. I hear notifications go off on my phone but I just ignored them. Then my mother called me at 1pm and I reluctantly got up. She needed to get a few things at Amazon so after I had a bowl of cereal and made my coffee, I searched the things she needed. Now I feel ready to go back to sleep.

I made an appointment with my barber for Tues. My royalties for this month were more than I was expecting, which was good because it pushed my account to where I have the twenty bucks for my hair. I think I am going to go to a three when I see him. I rather him do it than me try it. I need to shave today. I also need to pick up my meds. It’s raining out. I was hoping they would be ready in the morning but they just got done now. I’ll pick it up tomorrow. I don’t need it until then anyways.

I have no idea what I am going to eat today. I might order Chipotle. I have added corn salsa to my burrito bowl and it is so damn good. But I am not hungry right now so I don’t want to order it. Yesterday I ordered a cheese pizza because I was craving it. It was pretty good. I might order it again. Or I will just have cereal, my inexpensive go to when I don’t feel like having nothing else.

I have a sort of busy week next week. Monday I have therapy and then Tues I am seeing my pcp, getting my blood drawn for a study, and then getting my haircut on the way home. I am going to be wiped out. The following week is going to be busier with MTW appointments that are all in person except my therapist appointment. I am going to be exhausted. I am exhausted just thinking about navigating around the hospital for Tuesday’s appointment. The place I got to have my blood drawn is at the complete end of the entrance, the furthest building on campus. And the only way to get there is through the main entrance as the other doors are closed due to covid. A lot of fucking walking for ten bucks.

Puppy pic again

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Puppy with gigantic green dinosaur stuffy