Category: depression

Things in twos today

My cousin didn’t bail on me today so I went to the grocery store. I bought two bags of Powerade and Gatorade, all that I could reach as it was on the top fricken shelf. I didn’t have the self check out thing so I had to scan each bottle at the checkout. Then the stupid computer was yelling at me that the bagging area was full, twice! I came home and was winded carrying the stuff up the stairs. On my last trip I took my heart rate and it was 177 so I recorded the event. I rested for about two hours before I left for PT.

PT was good. I am making progress in my shoulder movements and I was cleared to do bicep and tricep curls. She showed me how to do it while lying down which made it easier. I can’t use 5 lbs for the triceps but I can do it for the right side. The left side I need to use 2lbs, which is like a 32 oz bottle. No problem there, I just bought a few. She dry needled my pectoral muscle as there was a knot that was there and it prevented me from moving my arm up. She also did my trapezius but those muscles were so damn tired afterwards it didn’t make a difference. I could barely lift my arm it was so sore.

After PT, I caught the bus to the Square and decided to do some more grocery shopping. I forgot to get eggs on my first trip so I got that. I also got something to eat at there sandwich place as I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I got a turkey and brie wrap. It was so delicious. I had a mocha with it. I had one paper bag for all that I bought so I asked my sister for a ride home. I knew the bag wasn’t going to make it by public transportation.

She came and got me and I put everything away. I was feeling okay and then went up the stairs to my room. I got the palpitations again and my heart rate was 160. I put the monitor on to record the event again. This is the first time I had to use it twice it one day. I sent a message to my pcp about it so they are aware of it. This episode feels different though. After the palpitations and heart pounding I felt like a flutter in my chest. I am also kind of sleepy. I am just so tired. But then I have had a long day. I am glad tomorrow I don’t have to do anything.

Another day of running around

I got a message back from my doc that they do want a urine sample so I said that I would go today. I had my coffee and a little something to eat while my phone charged. After I finished my coffee, I went upstairs to my room. I checked to see when the next bus would get here. It would be twenty minutes. My phone was fully charged so I got dressed. I made sure I had a couple of caths in my jeans pocket. I didn’t feel like carrying a bag.

I got on the bus and it was full. A guy yelled at me to watch what I was doing but it isn’t my fault if your daughter keeps her feet out where people can trip over them. I got mad. He wasn’t wearing his mask properly and never does while he is on the bus. He will wear it properly when he is off the bus. I don’t get it. Anyway I just wanted to get to where I was going and go back home. I got to the hospital and there was a wait. People couldn’t follow the simple instructions of waiting for your number to be called twice. I was getting so annoyed. There was an employee who kept coming in checking on the flow of the waiting room, telling people where to go or where to sit. There was no distancing in this room and I think that annoyed me more than anything.

I was finally called and quickly gave a sample and left. I took the stairs down because I didn’t want to wait for the elevator. As I was walking back to the station, I was getting tired and thought I might need to sit down but I persevered through the back pain and legs that felt like lead. I forgot the monitor again so if I got another palpitations attack, I wouldn’t be able to record it. While waiting for the train to come, I got a text from the pharmacy that my meds were ready to be picked up. I dreaded this as I knew my heart rate was going to double or triple itself by the time I got home.

There was a line at the pharmacy and then an impatient woman got behind me and kept saying shit. She wasn’t there longer than I was yet she was saying that she was. Fucking bitch. I hate people like that. I paid for my meds and walked home. No sooner was I near three houses away, I started to get short of breath and I could feel my heart race. I had to stop when I got to my house. I rested for a little while and then went up the stairs. I took my jacket off and placed it where I always do then went upstairs huffing and puffing. I washed my hands then went up to my room. My heart rate was over 150. I put the monitor on and called it in. It took almost twenty minutes for it to come down. Then I went downstairs for something and it went back up again. I didn’t use the monitor again.

My sister texted me saying that my mother wants to return the pedal exerciser I bought because she can’t get her feet in the pedals. Luckily, we still had the box to put it in or we would be screwed. My mother told me she couldn’t get her foot on with her slippers on so she was going to try her sneakers but her foot hurt. Fuck it, it is going back. I already did the paperwork. I just got to print it out and attach it to the box. UPS will pick it up tomorrow.

I am taking my night meds early tonight and going to bed. I am fucking exhausted. Urinalysis came back negative so chances are good that I don’t have an infection. The culture for the vagina should be back tomorrow. I haven’t noticed any change since taking the yeast infection pill. I still got discharge. I am not happy about it. I hate that there is no reason why my bladder hurts other than it is neurogenic. I wonder if it is a kind of nerve pain or something. I don’t know I am going to take a nap before I go to sleep.

Events of the day

I woke up and I didn’t want to get up. I had basically set three alarms so that I would be up before 8am but it failed. I got up around 850. I had just enough time to use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and then have a cup of coffee. I left the house without a bag so I didn’t have any catheters or something to drink. So much for trying to give a urine sample today and my pcp wanted one. I asked if I could come by tomorrow to give it.

PCP’s appointment went well. She thinks I have a yeast infection but did a culture as well. I don’t think I have a yeast infection as the discharge isn’t white and chunky like it has been in the past when I have had yeast infections. I also don’t have an itch. Because I am only a week into the Holter monitoring, we will wait to see what the results say. I have another week of carrying this around. I also did not bring it with me today.

I came home tired. My heart rate was up so I did a recording when I came into my room. I called it in and the lady took the playback. I wanted to take a nap but I was also hungry. I had a bowl of cereal and then it was time for group. It was my first meeting for the chronic pain group. It went well. I told the group that because of my PT schedule, I won’t be joining for a couple of weeks or I might pop in a for a few minutes here and there between now and the end of March or until my PT schedule changes.

Today I used the elevator at the T and both elevators that I used today had urine in it. I don’t understand why as there was a damn bathroom at one of the stations. UGH. Hate people who do that. I reported one of the elevators but I didn’t get a response from the T. figures.

I am wicked tired so I probably will be going to bed early. I want a cup of tea but I am too lazy to get up and make it. I have all day tomorrow to rest. That is the plan unless the doctor really wants a urine sample then I will go back into Boston to give a sample. I am hoping she can do without.

Update on things

I had therapy today. We talked about advocating for myself more in doctor’s appointments. I see my pcp tomorrow. I think I may have infected my bladder with the stupid vaginal discharge I have. I have been feeling rough the past few hours. I am not looking forward to an exam. We also talked about the suicide book I am reading. In the book, the author believes that entrapment is a cause of suicide, the chief driver. I have to agree with him because in my own dealings with suicide, feeling trapped and feeling like there is no way out has caused my suicide levels to become increased. I truly believe this entrapment with transgender individuals is what drives up suicide in this population. If you can’t escape yourself, where is there to turn? If you can’t transition or there are significant barriers to transitions, suicide is possible. In the FTM breast surgery article I found, it basically says that there is no reason why BMI should delay surgery. Yet it is for many, myself included.

Friday I didn’t post a blog so I lost my streak of 28 days. I decided to take a break for a few days so I am back today to try and get to 30 days. I have been feeling so tired lately. I keep waking up around the same time every night. Sometimes it is from a weird dream or I have to pee. I then wake up a few hours later to pee again. Usually around this time it is med time so I have to get up anyway.

I bought urinalysis strips to test my urine to check for infection. I have a trace of white cells so it might be good to get my urine tested, again. I have to go for blood work so what is another test. Temps going down tonight so it is going to be wicked cold in the morning. I got to leave early. I haven’t decided if I am going to go for the lab work before my appointment or after. Depends on how I wake up. If I wake up shitty I am not going to be leaving early.

My bloody foot has been cold most of the day. Damn CRPS. I have it under blankets but it doesn’t matter. My arm has been hurting since I woke up this morning. Actually, the pain woke me this morning before my med alarm. I just couldn’t get comfortable to get back to sleep. I rested a couple of hours before therapy. I might have a cup of tea soon. Been having a cup to ward off sleeping before I take my night meds. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t and I am asleep before 8pm. I just get so tired around sundown.