Tag: NHL Bruins

baseball and hockey

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Watching the ball game and it got rain delayed but I think my team is going to have the win because it is the middle of the 7th inning.

I am now trying to watch the hockey game but it is intermission time. I know crap about hockey. Only thing I know is that the puck needs to go in the net. I don’t know the rules, the positions other than goalie, and the meaning of the lines. I don’t even know the names of the players.

I have not done much this weekend. I spent yesterday sleeping until 2 pm and then waiting for the sox game to come on at 7. Today was much of the same thing except for some reason the game didn’t start at 1 like they said it was. If they did have a 1pm start they could have possibly missed the rain delay.

Bruins just SCORED. That makes it 4-2 right now in the 3rd period. I still cannot watch it too closely as it just makes me dizzy.

I should probably take a shower while nothing is going on. I haven’t had one since Thursday night. I just don’t feel like taking one. Even though I take a short shower, no more than 10-15 mins, it still bothers my ankle to stand that long and then stand to get dry and dressed. My ankle has been somewhat good the past few days so I really don’t want to tax it by standing on it for twenty minutes.

And the BRUINS SCORE AGAIN! 5-2!! They have currently 2 and a half mins remaining in the 3rd quarter. Sox still have a rain delay. I don’t know if they will continue playing or if they will call the game. And there is a puck out of play at 16 sec left. WTF The Bruins win!!! Now I can take my shower!

this life would kill me…

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt, writing

The Boston Bruins have won the semi finals to advance to the Eastern finals. In Overtime. It was a spectacular game. I didn’t watch one second of it. I just had to turn on Facebook and Twitter to learn of the hits and misses. It was awesome. I can’t watch hockey. To me, I rather watch golf. It is the most boring game to me.

My Sox were off tonight. A travel day to the Trop in Florida. They will be playing the Tampa Bay Rays tomorrow.

My friend who gives me ideas sometimes for writing thinks I should write about suicide in the spring and baseball season. I think I have already written about it. But I almost told her that this was my last year. I have given up and there is really nothing no one can do about it. I am just going through the motions of living just to fool everyone around me into thinking I am ok. I hate having these dual feelings, the ambivalence about living. I just know I can’t go on. If I could, I would try something now but it will just mess up my plans for later on this year. I just don’t feel the timing is right. Not that the timing is ever right. I just have it in my head about this certain date and I got to make sure that things are set before this date. I might try in a month or two to leave this world but I am not sure. The ambivalence is just killing me, literally. I want to die but I don’t want to live. Maybe if I survive this, that will be the name of my book.

I have been writing about the Aeschi model and the CAMS model for the AAS blog that I write for. I feel like I have the basics down pat but I am stuck on the specific details about it. But then it is not an exact science. People have died even though they have followed the Suicide Status Form to a T. I still feel like trying to prevent suicide is a tricky business. You can’t take away that person’s option. Once you do, it is treacherous territory. But working with a suicidal person is risky. You might get them out of the water this time, but not be so successful the next. It take a constant vigilance and effort to deal with a suicidal person. I don’t know how my therapist does it. I feel like if I kill myself I will let her down. She traps me into living and I hate her for it. But like the song by Thompson Square, If I didn’t have you, goes. “This life would kill me if I didn’t have you.”