worries

Just had chipoltle for lunch. Now I am enjoying my Isla Flores coffee from Starbucks. There are no seats at Starbucks so I am typing this is the noisy atmosphere of the Mexican restaurant. There are a lot of people talking over some kind of Spanish jam.

I had to get out of the house today as I was feeling cooped up. Today the coffee if better with a hint of chocolate that makes it takes like a mocha. I love Isla Flores.

I got some disturbing mail yesterday from my Long Term Disability (LTD). I am really upset about it and if it is for real and not some wrong development, I have to repay them. I don’t know how I am going to do this as I am already pushed to the limit with my finances. I have no other income other than my SSD. If I really do have to pay them back I can forget about school. There will be no “extra” now and I will be barely scraping by. I still plan on taking a summer class just to see how I do but I think that will make me want to take more classes. This just sucks.

And of course the first thought that popped into my mind when I got the letter was killing myself. If I were to just throw a rope over my neck and take a dive off the back porch, that will solve all my problems. I know It will cause others but at least I won’t owe the government, Sallie Mae, and now my LTD over $150,000 dollars! I need to win the lottery.

I hate Saturdays. It always reminded me that I needed to work. I would bust my ass getting to work every week just to clean up the mess day shift had left me. Whether it be the MPA or the outpatients there was always left over work to be done.

After waiting almost a half hour in the cold for the bus, I am wicked cold. I am now in my flannel pajamas and under my flannel blanket to try and warm up. The temp was in the thirties, though I swear with the wind, it was colder. Now I am in my room and it still feels cold. I have socks, long sleeves, flannel PJs, and I am still fucking cold. I would turn up the heat but that would mean leaving my cozy bed and I don’t want to.

I really wanted to go to school this summer. I still have the money for it but I am not sure it will be a wise decision to make given the debt that I am facing. Plus I don’t want it to turn to a tease because I know I won’t be able to take another class for a while. This is of course, if I am able to register online without difficulty. This class has pre-reqs so that is the only thing that will hold up my registration, but if I have to go down to the school, that will be cool too. I don’t know if a book(s) are required for this class. But it will be interesting. Oh I really want to say to hell with the consequences and take this class!!!!