I made it to my Starbucks and ordered a new coffee, Isla Flores from Indonesia. As long as it keeps me awake, it will do it’s job. It tastes really good so I am glad I got it iced.
Yesterday was a bad day for me. I slept most of the day. I don’t remember if I had therapy I was so sleepy. I didn’t sleep too good the night before. I feel asleep around 2200 and then woke up at 0200. Stayed awake till 0400 when some moron called me at 0821 and then again at 0921. I was pissed because it was an unknown called. I wouldn’t mind the wake up call but I was in the middle of a dream and if left me feeling really sleepy. I think my therapist called two hours later and I know I feel asleep until 2pmish. I stayed up enough to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and after that I think I went back to bed. No writing, no journaling, just sleep.
Today I am feeling a little bit hungover from sleeping so much but at least I am out. I plan on working on my book long as the coffee and sandwiches hold out. Though I am tempted to go to McD’s and get another cheeseburger for dinner. Maybe I will…but not now. I need to do write this blog.
The group went ok even though I still am on suicidal watch with my therapist. I just got so upset I told her anything that would get her off the phone. I was so tired so she didn’t believe me. Figures. I really hate my life and I want so badly to end it. Sunday is my father’s birthday so I guess I can’t do it this weekend even though I should. That would send him a message but he is probably too stupid to realize it. Today is my fiend’s Ivan’s birthday. I don’t know if I should call him as we don’t really have a policy of calling one another on each other’s birthday. But I bet it would surprise him.
I wrote my vocabulary of suicide the other day and posted it. It got a few hits. I don’t know why I can’t be writing like I used to be. I just am so tired lately that I can’t think. All I can do is play my internet games and then go to sleep. My mother said that I should get a job as it would get me up. But I can’t work right now. I don’t have the patience to go find a job nor do I think I can handle the pressure of work right now. I know it’s been almost a year since I have been out of work but I am still afraid that I will have a set back and want to kill myself more than I do now. Plus it would cause trouble and I might lose my insurance from my old job if I do.
As I am listening to Starbucks, a new Mary Chapin Carpenter song comes on the radio. This makes me happy. I love MCC. I am going to see her in May with Shawn Colvin, who I don’t like as much. But Mary Chapin is the only artist that I can hear when I am in a bad mood and feel better afterwards. She has such a soothing voice. I wonder if her voice sounds the same in real life. I always wanted to meet her. I would die if I ever did, but I wonder what it would be like meeting with her in person. I think I would be so filled with awe in would take me few minutes or more to compose myself.
I have to buy dress clothes next week for a wedding as nothing fits me anymore. I figure I will buy some Dockers and a new dress shirt. Black and blue shirt should do fine. I wish my chest binder would be here by then but it won’t come in until after April 10th. I hope the weather is warmer by this wedding and there is no snow. We have had too much this winter but then we didn’t get any last winter so it’s a trade off. I can’t believe my little first cousin is getting married. Though she is almost 30 years old, I still think of her as my little cousin. They grow up so fast.
I cleaned out my DVR recording of old Criminal minds episodes that I have already seen. I don’t know why I have gotten out of sync with the show. I just stopped watching it after the 6th season and can’t seem to get back into it. I guess after Haley died and Hotchner felt that huge loss, I did too. Plus the show just got weirder and if people are really out there doing this stuff it scares me. Sometimes the line between fact and fiction can be so blurred.