blog post 262

I have been up since eight. I tried to go back to sleep but failed. Woke up again from a strange dream, which I have been having all week. I don’t know why that is. I have stopped taking my pain meds for the time being to see if that was making the weird dreams but it is not. I don’t know what is causing this. Might be my mood stabilizer. I remember going through a period of this when I first started it. It will phase out eventually but it is disturbing as hell.

I couldn’t write yesterday as I was exhausted and had another headache. So far I have been getting them the past three days at the exact same time. Another oddity. I took some migraine meds and that seemed to put it to a holt for now. We’ll know this afternoon if it comes back, I guess.

I have decided I won’t be going back to group therapy. It is just too stressful for me. The walking is too far and hurts me and after each session I want to kill myself.

I will be going to visual therapy starting next week. For some reason they called me last night to confirm my appointment. That is a week’s confirmation!

I should be getting Lincoln soon. I can’t wait to watch this movie again. It is such a great film.

I have decided, sort of, that I won’t be going out today. I need the rest because last week when I had back to back appointments, all I did was sleep all day Friday because I was in pain most of the night. I’d like to sleep today but I got therapy in about a half hour. And I have stuff I like to talk about while awake.

I think today I will work on my book for a little bit. I have some stuff to add that I have been thinking about. I also found a journal from 2006 that is helping to fill in the gaps a little bit. I forgot that I didn’t really keep a journal. See I would write my therapist letters and they became quite numerous so I started to keep the letters in journals as a way of me writing my thoughts and also to keep track of my therapy progress or regress. Some entries I was mad at her. Others I was tearful. It also documented my back injury in 2006 when I had to have surgery. That was important to me because I had blocked out a lot of what was going on while I was in a lot of pain and I seriously tried to down play it so that no one would now how bad I was hurting, and I was hurting bad. I remember I went to the supermarket to get some food and reached for a can of peas or something on the top shelf and that caused me such pain that I just left my things and went home. I had no idea that my back was in bad shape. Even the surgeon was asking how I could be standing and walking as the chunk of disc they took out was significantly large. I ended up getting the chunks from pathology and have them in my room as a reminder of what I don’t want to go through a third time.

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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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