just feeling sad

Been feeling a lot of emotions the past few days. I can’t help wondering if maybe some medication at this point will help as I am crying for the incoming support because I am happy and then cry when I hear about the poor mother whose daughter was misidentified and now has to mourn her daughter. I am crying for the eight year old who just wanted peace in the world and his mother and sister who are still critically injured. I am crying as I write this. I just can’t help it. Nothing like this has ever happened in my city before. I feel like it is 9-11 all over again. But the support from my Boys, The Boston Red Sox, has been tremendous. They will be going on the field tonight with black armbands. The Yankees, our hated rivals, will be holding a moment of silence and then playing our song Sweet Caroline in the middle of the 3rd tonight. I couldn’t believe they did that. But I guess in tragedy we all come together and it is such a powerful feeling.

Today I had to take the T, our public transportation system because I had a doctor’s appt. At every Boston T stop, there were National Guardsmen and T Police everywhere. It was good to have their presence there but I couldn’t help but feel a little freaked out when a State trooper and two police officers swept the trolley car I was on.

My appointment did and didn’t go so well. I wasn’t happy that after all the resting that I have been doing, I still have tendonitis in my ankle, probably nerve related. I also have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, which basically means I am fucked. My doc gave me some options but I think I am going to stay the course with oral meds. I am considering a lidocaine infusion but I want to read up on them before going through with it. I need the hard facts before I can invest something like that. I don’t want the infusion to numb me out and then when it wears off cause me mega pain. I don’t know how my PCP is going to take this. There is nothing more they can do. I am at my wits end on how to handle this. My first thoughts were to kill myself. I truly think that is going to be an option if I don’t have any pain relief. I just can’t imagine going on and on like this. I can’t work. I can’t walk. WTF am I going to do?