I woke up early this morning. I only had six hours of sleep. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. I even took meds to make me sleepy and I am still awake. I keep on having the same bad dream over and over. I wish I knew what it was about but it eludes me.
Tonight I am going to the Red Sox game. They are playing the Astros. First time that they are playing them in the American League as the Astros were on the National League until this year. The record is opposite of ours, 7-14. I hope we whip their ass tonight. I haven’t been to Fenway in so long. It is going to be awesome going back there.
I plan on getting my hair cut today. I have nothing better to do than to do that. It has been a month since my last cut and it is pretty long, longer than I like. Hopefully after the cut I will feel better. I still feel down in the dumps despite having excitement for the baseball game. I am kind of worried that my ankle is going to be messed up but that is ok. I will have a few days to rest it afterwards. Already my ankle is throbbing. I hope it doesn’t get any worse.
I have been meaning to write about my songs and what they mean to me. I still have not done that. I just don’t feel like writing these days and it gets me down. I feel like I have to write something emotional to feel better but it has not happened in quite a long time. It’s like I am guarded but I don’t know why I am so guarded. I have tried free association but it only gets me so far. I have not even written in my journal the past few days because I have the fuck its. I wish I was talking with my therapist today but she is busy and only spending half a day in the office. It is frustrating for me because we normally have a 13:30 appointment and today we don’t because her child has a half day at school. Which messes up both our schedules. I can’t see her and she can’t see me. GGRRRR But I already saw her twice this week so I should be ok. I am to text her updates on things. I think after the ball game I might go into the hospital. I just feel like I need something extra, to be in the land of security. I just hope that I don’t get set off to McLean again. I like it there but they really mess up my meds big time and no matter how many times I tell them how I take them don’t fix it until I get discharged. Besides that, having your menses while inpatient is no fun. Not saying that having them is, but it just is a hassle because you share a common bathroom and there isn’t a waste basket near you so you have to go out after doing your business with your product to throw it away. It just sucks. I wish I could say I will go in after my menses but I don’t know when the menses will stop.
Just came home from the game. I should be happy that I was at Fenway. I should be happy my boys won 7-2. I should be happy that I ate a Fenway Frank. But I am not. I am so depressed that you can feel that ache. I feel like crawling under a rock and staying there for an eternity. I don’t know why I feel like this. Nothing happened to make me feel like this. My ankle is wicked sore and painful but it’s nothing that I can’t handle. It is not unbearable. What is unbearable is the ache in my chest that won’t go away. I just feel so downhearted it’s not funny. And worse of all is that there is nothing I can do to stop it from hurting. There is no pill I can take to make it go away. Tonight I am wishing for death and hoping it comes and takes me away.
midnightdemons7 