depression and music

I finally finished my book. Right now it just seems like a hodgepodge of stuff but I don’t care. I will print it out one day next week so I can edit it with a red pen and make changes. I also signed up for Amazon’s self-publish and I think I am going to go with that. It was quick and easy to sign up for. I just don’t know how exactly it is going to work. I know that I will not lose any of my copyrights and will still own my work so I threw in my clinical paper on suicide as the final closing. It know it might be stupid to end the book that way but I really want to get this paper out there because I want people to read it. It has not done so well on my blog sight. I might also put in my most popular blog just as a chapter about CES. Thing is I don’t know how I am going to sell it. But I’ll worry about that when I get closer to publishing it, which I hope will be in a month or so. I have not told my writing partner this. I want to do it on my own first.

Now that I am done, I am sort of depressed. I was depressed most of the day but I think that is because of my stupid menses. Today was a heavy day and it is messing with me so bad. I wish I could just bleed to death and have it be over with it. I did take a shower today, I had to take a shower which meant I couldn’t do anything else today. My foot was too sore already from the last few days. Monday the swelling was so bad that when I took off my sock, I had deep imprints. It took forever for those marks to go away. I also took a lot of pain medication by the end of the night.

I know I should be happy but it’s like when you are reading a good book and you come to the end of it and you are sad…that is what I feel like. I guess it’s a sort of good depression rather than a bad one, if that makes sense. Only thing I am worried about is the editing. I tried it when I was at 50 pgs and failed. I just couldn’t get into it and I know I was skipping words and such, then realized I repeated some stuff and just gave up on the task because it just seemed impossible. I might have a friend that I know is good read it but I don’t know if she would be able to do the 150 pgs. I might have to buy her dinner or something nice as a kind of bribe.

I don’t know why but I asked for another session with my therapist today. This is the third week since she has been back from vacation that I have seen her three times a week. I just feel like I need the extra support right now for some reason. She got my letters about grief and I could tell she wants me to talk about it but she is not pushing me to talk about it. Today we were talking about my appearance as I just sent her a pic to remind her of what I look like. I told her I look disgusting and of course she disagreed. What else is she supposed to say? I know that I have issues with my appearance. I hate the way I look. People think I am attractive but if they only knew how bad I felt inside they wouldn’t think that I am attractive.

Never fails, I get half way through Taylor Swift’s sad beautiful tragic song when I want to change it. By then it’s almost over anyways. It’s probably the only song of hers that I dislike. Oh and speaking of music, I hear some new songs by Pearl Jam today that I really liked so I pre-ordered the new album. I saw a video of Eddie Vedder and man did he change in the last twenty years. He doesn’t look old but you can tell that time been good to him. He is sporting a goatie beard, which I think looks stupid on him and has cut his once beautiful hair. He still can sing though! I can’t wait for the CD to come out. I can’t remember the last time I bought a Pearl Jam cd. I think Vitology was the last album I got. Then it got too metally for my taste.