really, really bad day

Been playing on Facebook for the last few hours, trying to get the nerve up to go play my game. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I have too much on my mind.

I spoke with my therapist today about wanting less sessions and she didn’t buy it because my suicidality is still kicking its head and she feels as long as it is, we are going to have session. Bly me. I am not happy. In fact, I am pissed. I hate this. So I did what anyone in my position would do. I took a couple of this and a couple of that and hope it knocks me out because I still cannot tolerate these fucking feelings anymore.

I just had Chinese food. It was good and the crab rangoons were really good today. I usually don’t like eating them but I was hungry. The chicken fingers weren’t as what I was expecting but the scallion pancakes were. I love scallion pancakes. I rather have that than a meal but it is only an appetizer. So I have lunch and dinner all done. I will probably finish off the Chinese for dinner like I usually do. I can’t eat it all in one sitting like some people can.

I am still feeling exasperated. Soon as I say I want to cut down on sessions she is like ok what is the logical reason for this. There is no longer a logical reason for this. I just want to get the hell out of your clutches so that I can possibly end my life. There I said it. No secret I am suicidal. I just want to be unconscious, permanently. It is really cold today so I just want to go under my blankets while I listen to the radio and try and zone out. No one has caused this to happen to me, I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

On a positive note, people have liked the blog that I posted yesterday. It is a reblog of the AAS blog that was posted last night. I am glad people like my writing, even though I don’t think too highly of it, but then I think every writer thinks that.