I went to Starbucks. I don’t know what exactly I was doing but I left my house around 1130 and the next thing I knew it was almost one. I was busy editing and playing on my phone. I am getting closer to my goal of editing the first 100 pages of my book but I am still like 15 pages short. I am sure I will get it done by the end of the month. I so want this book to be edited and published. It just is the longest process I have encountered. But then this is my first book so I guess there will be some hiccups.
I am in a little better mood today than I was yesterday. I listened to Jason Aldean’s song Relentless and it made me feel like OMG that is my therapist!! I have to play the song for her on Tuesday. That might be our new theme song.
I got a little drunk last night. I had a few shots of whiskey and started texting her some stuff like we shouldn’t be together anymore, that I am a hopeless case, etc. I then had to have her text back saying she was alright because I felt bad with making her cry the night before. She said she was ok. She was probably laughing at my texts. I did emphasize that she should see a consult for herself. Maybe they can help her anxiety issues. I am still waiting for my insightfulness to kick in but it hasn’t yet. I wonder if I lost it because I haven’t used it in a long time.
I edited part of a chapter today that was about dealing with suicide attempts. I don’t know if it is going to stay in or not. It is a blog post that I just threw in there. I have noticed I have done that a lot. Some of the content is good but other stuff is just not pertinent to the book itself. But I might leave it in. I don’t know. It really makes a good read. I just have to work on the title of the chapter a little bit. If you want to read it, here it is.
I don’t think I can be apart of my support group anymore. Some of the newer people make me want to rip my hair out of my head. I don’t say anything to them because I don’t think telling them off is right. But seriously think they should get a fucking clue. This isn’t going to go away. You are never going to recover completely. There is ALWAYS going to be residual damage and you might not feel it today but you will feel it tomorrow. But I hold back my fingers typing a response to the person because I don’t want to hurt their already fragile feelings. That is what delete is for. Though it still pisses me off that I have had this condition for over twelve years now and I still have to deal with it. So if I have to, so do you! There! Well, not the majority of my readers because they do not have CES and if this offends you I am sorry. I am just spelling out the truth.
I don’t know why I still hang around. The group has been quiet lately. But you get the one person that ticks you off because they think this is a cancer or something and they can beat it if only they try hard enough. It’s just sad. The condition is humiliating enough and people need support for it. I try to be supportive but I have become jaded. People think that I am a wonderful person and a great contributor. I guess it is my honesty that gets people to think this way. All the while I just think I am being a smartass asshole.
midnightdemons7 