in a foul mood

I’m in a foul mood. I just woke up and my foot is hurting me like I did something while I slept. I was on my back when I woke up so that might have had something to do with it. I woke up a few hours ago, like around three so my sleep has been shitty none the less. I just can’t seem to stay asleep with the pain. I didn’t do anything outside the ordinary today so why am I in so much pain???

I feel like taking a shower even thought it’s almost seven in the morning. I woke up around six. I just feel disgusting. The last time I took a shower was Wednesday. But maybe I will take it later today. I just hate waking up in pain all the time.

I wrote to a friend about the rope situation. He lives in South Africa and wants me to give him the rope. Funny but I don’t think I can. I would have to ship it to him. LOL But seriously, I know I should get rid of it. I just don’t know if I want to or not. I am going to call my friend, my “hubby” (long story), and I know he will come and get it from me. I can give it to him tomorrow as I have plenty of time to kill before my pdoc appointment. And it will be good to see him again. I haven’t seen him since we were celebrating something with a Farking Wheaton WootStout. It was a very good stout and I didn’t drink that much. He drank more than I did. I just had a glass, he had the bottle, LOL. He is a dear friend of mine that I know won’t ask too much about the whys of giving him the rope. I know that it will be obvious because he knows I have bad depressions. There have been a couple of times I have called him in distress over the years. He always makes me laugh. He can never take the serious stuff too seriously. It’s his personality.

I am going to ask my pdoc about being put on another antidepressant, this one is an older one. I found a journal that says that I was on it for a bit but I don’t remember the reason for going off it. I am really desperate to see anything and this med supposedly helps with sleep. That will be good if I can get 6-8 straight hours a night. But according to what I read, you can’t take it if you are on an antipsychotic. So I might be out of luck with restarting this med. But we’ll see. My pdoc might just veto it altogether anyways because of the side effects or because of the other medication I take. But it will be better than trying an SSRI again. I have been tempted to try the Zoloft but I don’t want to get sick off it. Almost all of the SSRI’s cause me to be nauseous and get the dry heaves. The only medication in this class I have not tried is Effexor and that is because it is known to cause a stomach upsets. I can’t win with medication. I don’t know why I see my pdoc. I get frustrated with her, well not her specifically, but the situation that I am in. She is supposed to help me and there is no longer anything more that she can do. It is very discouraging. And when you are suicidal, it is just downright hopeless.

Mood has not improved since taking a shower. I feel like I have a migraine coming on so I just took something. Maybe that is why I feel so grumpy and why any type of sound annoys me. I was snoozing earlier and I think I might have done something to my neck. Shit if it ain’t one thing it’s another. I hate it when I have a “silent” migraine. It’s been happening lately where I won’t get the headache but I will get all the symptoms of the migraine: nausea, sensitivity to light and sound, irritability and a tension in my neck and back of my head. I should have known I was getting a migraine when I was nauseous yesterday for no reason. Because today is Sunday, I don’t have transportation to Starbucks unless I steal my sister’s car. But it’s kind of cold and rainy out and I hate driving in those conditions. If it was my car, I probably wouldn’t care.

I still am feeling somewhat suicidal, more so with my grumpy mood. I just don’t get why I have to live. I know I should publish my book but what am I going to then, kill myself? Show the world I survived my evil thoughts and finally caved in? Doesn’t make much sense. Which further puts me in a grumpy mood…