Still feeling blah. I was talking to my cousin about this and he said it’s similar to being numb. He’s right. It is similar. I hate feeling this way. He is feeling the dead inside feelings I used to have. It sucks feeling this way. I don’t know how I am supposed to live like this. This is going on almost two weeks now, for me anyways. I am just waiting for the suicidal thoughts to come back. But then, I don’t really need to be suicidal to kill myself.
I had a very rude awakening this morning. My fucking bastard father called me at six-thirty this morning for shits and giggles. I am not kidding. Woke me up from a sound sleep. I got really friggen mad, so mad I couldn’t go back to sleep. I hung up on the friggen turkey brain. I didn’t care. If he called back I was going to lay into him. Now I don’t give a damn about him. He has the appointment for his blood work on Monday, and he is going alone. I am not going with him. Fuck him. I don’t need to be there anyways, just to make sure he fucking goes. I got to call his GI doc again on Monday because that idiot didn’t call me back or let me know they called in the prescription. I also have to call the Ophthal people back on Monday for my own appointment. Monday is going to be busy.
I can’t wait till my therapist is back. I miss talking with her. She is not going to be happy about my father. He is such a jerk. I should call him at three in the morning when I wake up just to show him. But I am not going to because I am the more mature person. Who the hell does that?? Calling someone at six-thirty in the morning, for fun??? God I am so pissed just thinking about it. I am so done with him. Let my sisters deal with his stupid ass.
I didn’t go out today because once I got back to a normal temper, my foot went out of whack. I took some pain meds and then was out till about two. I needed the nap. I just ordered Thai food. It was good. I wish it had less chicken. I really just like the noodles.
I got my MP3 player and Taylor’s “Lucky One” is playing. Yesterday I was just thinking how my father always said I was a nothing and even a school teacher told me I was a nothing. Now I am rubbing elbows with some of the top suicidologists in the country and in Switzerland. I know I should be feeling joy or happiness. Or even feeling like a lucky one, but I don’t. I am trying hard to overrule my childhood programming but it’s not easy. I still haven’t heard back from the guy about what I wrote to him. I wrote about my synopsis of the book. Maybe he isn’t in the office and that is why he hasn’t responded. It was late in the afternoon when I wrote. And Switzerland is at least six hours ahead of us. Maybe I will get a response on Monday.
I guess in a way, you can say I am the “lucky one”. Who would have thought that I would be a writer in such a short period of time and be able to write a book that is close to being published. I do hope it is successful but not too successful. Course, if it sells a million copies, then I will be happy and won’t care. But like I said before, I will be happy with just 100 copies sold.
midnightdemons7 