rambling 65

Had a long day today. The wake that was four hours long seemed to take forever to pass. I just wanted to crawl back to my cave and sleep. It really hurt seeing my aunt in the casket. I don’t believe she is gone. But like the priest said tonight, though we say goodbye to her mortal remains, we hold on to her spirit or something like that.

I emailed my psychiatrist because I need some support right now. I am losing my mind over my father’s health issues and have no one I can really talk to about it. I won’t go into detail here about it as my family would flip if they read my blog. I just am feeling very burdened about the state of what to do and this waiting for his scan results are killing me. I won’t know until Wednesday what they are. I know it is only a few days away but damn that is a long time when you have people tell you your father doesn’t look right. I just feel so awful knowing this stuff. Then after the wake, we went out for dinner and my father had two beers. I wanted to kill him right there. He isn’t supposed to drink at all because of his liver issues. I am more than frustrated. But I didn’t want to cause an argument so I kept my mouth shut. He still thinks he can do whatever he wants, fine. But I don’t want to witness it. I could swear right now but I won’t.

The other thing I don’t get is that you are supposed to grieve at wakes so why is it when you cry, people tell you to get a hold of yourself?? Isn’t that the whole idea of wakes?? Pisses me off. My aunt was a wreck when she saw us came in and when she started crying, I couldn’t hold back the tears. It was just a jerk reaction. I am a weakling when I see people cry. Even if I don’t know them I will cry with them. Sometimes that is all I need to open my flood gates. But I know that I can’t hide in a corner and cry alone. But I guess if I feel like doing that I should because god forbid I let someone see me grieve in public. I just find it frustrating.

I texted my therapist that she is going to have a shit load of letters as punishment for being on vacation. I would have written one tonight but I am too exhausted. I am still fighting sleep just to write this blog. I am glad that my psychiatrist said that she will be there should I need to page her. I don’t see her again till the 10th. But I might check in with her sooner than that. Probably after I find out about my father’s scans. Even though I take Ativan, I don’t think that will cause me to worry less between now and then.

I am hoping my leg isn’t sore tomorrow. I had to have the AFO tighter than usual so that I could pull down my pant leg on my Khaki’s. I would wear dress pants tomorrow but it is going to be cold and snowy. Another snowstorm is in the mix for the day. Just wonderful.