Scrolling through Facebook while waiting for my pain meds to work. I have been in pain for the past half hour and spasms have just started. I am miserable. I knew I should have taken something sooner as when I got back to my room after having coffee at my sister’s, I felt something in my foot. It’s so hard to know when to take pain medication. Sometimes you know it is going to turn into something bad and other times it just goes away with rest. I am so annoyed with myself.
Then I get a tweet from Sprint, my cell phone carrier about the ongoing issue I have been having with 3G/4G coverage. Seems if I leave my house, I just have 3G and it messes up with my phone data. Sometimes I will get email and other times I won’t. It’s not like I really need to respond to email now that I am not working, but I would like to know when I get a new message. I like staying connected. But it seems if I leave my house, I don’t get the same coverage and it pisses me off because I have to manually change my settings in order to save battery. If I don’t have 4G, I lose battery power while it searches for it before it decides to finally go to 3G. Sometimes by the time I get home, especially when I go into town, I will have 50% or less battery power to last me until I get home. I know that going on the trains drains it more as I don’t have any signal in the tunnel but while I am traveling the city above ground, I should have no connectivity issues. My phone is fairly new so there shouldn’t be an issue. Granted I am due for an upgrade but other than a Samsung galaxy phone, I really don’t have an interest in any other phone. My brother in law has the galaxy and has been having issues with it. I hope that when I upgrade to it, the bugs have been fixed. But then he is on a different carrier than I am so it might just be his network. I have no interest in an iPhone. I like the Android operating system on my phone.
Spasms seem to have stopped now. My big toe isn’t curling like it did. Thank god for Ativan. I do need a nap now but I am trying to resist. I still feel like calling my psychiatrist but it’s Sunday and I don’t want to bother her. It’s not an emergency. I just feel the need to talk to someone. I am still having trouble processing my grief. I keep thinking about the days with my aunt and how on her 90th birthday, I didn’t get a picture with her. I thought I did but I didn’t. It was hard because everyone kept going to the birthday girl and we had this crazy DJ that wanted everyone to dance, ALL THE TIME. He was very enthusiastic in his job but come on. No one likes to dance for two hours, straight!
I do miss my aunt. I miss going over her house like I did when I was a kid. But then she moved and it was difficult to see her because I didn’t have a car to get to where she was.
It’s weird. This is the first time that I am not paranoid I am being watched by my aunt. When my other Aunts and uncles passed away, I felt like I was being watched by them. This time it is different. I don’t know if that is because I am taking medication to control stuff like that or what but it is different. And I am glad I am not paranoid. It is difficult to shake paranoia. You really need to take extra meds and constantly tell yourself it is not happening. It’s almost like a delusion that you have to undo to make it stop happening. Not always easy because voices are usually present and they love to feed off paranoid delusions. But I am not feeling that way. I still have the voices that are constantly watching me though. We converse sometimes but it has been less. It usually picks up if I am just staring off into space. Then they start talking to me. It’s weird.
Today I have decided not to do anything. I am not working on my book or changing my sheets. I will do one of those things tomorrow. Though I have to take off the stuff on my bed. I don’t know how I accumulate so much paper, books, and journals on my bed. I just have a few shirts on my bed just in case I get cold. But other than those articles of clothing, the rest is all paper pads. I don’t get it. I mean I use it, don’t get me wrong, because I am always writing something. And I need my journal on my bed so I know where it is when I want to journal. But the other stuff, man I don’t know how it accumulates. I just need one pad of paper, not three! Thank goodness I only sleep on one side of the bed and stay there. I am usually a sound sleeper, though sometimes I am a light sleeper as noises will wake me up. I hope when I change my sheets this time, I don’t have so much stuff on my bed. It’s a pain taking it off and placing it somewhere in my room. I have piles of stuff every where because I don’t have the space to put it.
midnightdemons7 