just the beginning

I did it. I made it to 3000 words on my short story that I am hoping to publish before my book. I have been working on it slowly as this depression just sucks. Words don’t flow the way they used to. Thinks are slower. My brain moves slower. When other people used to describe this, I thought thank god I don’t have that problem but now I do. I guess it’s because I am a writer that I notice it more? I don’t know. It is just so frustrating. It is literally like extracting teeth or something. I just find it awful to go through this.

I took the Remeron last night in the hopes of sleeping till eight. No such luck. I slept till six. And there was no way I was starting my day at six with my father’s doctor’s appointment at one. That would cause me too much anxiety. So I took some Ativan and slept till eight. I made my breakfast as I was starving and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I took a draining shower that sucked all the energy from me. I swear if I didn’t have to go out, I would have put my PJs back on and gone right to bed. I was completely worn out. JUST FROM TAKING A SHOWER!! I was really pissed. But I waited until I cooled off, then put some clothes on and caught the next bus. I went to Starbucks and had a latte. Then I got hungry so I got something to eat. I knew it would be awhile till I ate next. Went to the hospital early and waited for my father. The appointment went fast. There were no new developments, other than the abdominal fluids. But I was shocked to learn he still had cancer all this time. I thought the tumors were gone and he was cancer free. Not fucking so. I hate these doctors but they are the best in the field of GI cancers so I can’t really drop them.

Now I have the task of relaying all this information to my family members, immediate and not so immediate. I really don’t want to tell my cousin. She is a little hot headed but I know if I don’t tell her, the next time she sees me she might cause a scene. I don’t know what to do because I don’t know what she knows. I don’t want to say the C word if she doesn’t know my father had C to begin with. UGH I am so stressed out and this is just the beginning.

I am just exhausted. I am also anxious. I don’t have a great relationship with my father but I still care for him on a humanitarian level, otherwise I doubt I would care at all. Maybe one blog I will divulge the family secrets but not today. Dealing with him while he is sick is one thing I can’t stand to see as he has always been so healthy. He hasn’t been a health freak or anything of the nature but his genes has long lines. But I don’t want to lose him. I may think of him as a sperm donor at times, but he is still my father none the less.

I hope to talk to a blogger friend tonight. Our chats are really random but she makes me laugh and we forget about life for a while, which I think is good for both of us. I sure can use it tonight.