The unproductive side of depression

I got up early today but quickly went back to bed as it was six in the morning. I wanted to get up and be productive today but it hasn’t happened yet. I am fighting the urge to go back to bed as we speak but thought I would write for a bit.

I have never had a depression be this bad before. I usually spend a day or two in bed. But never more than that. Sure there are days I don’t shower and that bothers me, but sleeping all day every day for the past several days is worrying me. I feel lazy though I have no reason to be.

I really want to read the book “Experiences of Depression”. It is a clinical book and is laden with a whole bunch of terms, some I am familiar with, others not so much. The reason I want to read this book is because I am bored. I am tired of reading about suicide books and history. I need something different. But the problem is that my depression is interfering with my reading skills. And because I am tired all the time, it is difficult to pick up a book, any book.

I haven’t journaled in my journal in what seems like weeks. I just don’t see the point. Monday I have an appointment with my therapist. I really would like to get at least a chapter of something in before then. The depression has been so bad that I don’t even play my game anymore or I am only on for a few minutes and then I shut down the laptop to go sleep.

I just feel so unproductive. Today I made pancakes but it was such a hassle and I make them sucky. They weren’t as good as the last batch. I still have not showered and need to badly. I feel so useless. My music doesn’t help me anymore. I listen but it is more like background noise. And when I try to read, I need to shut the music off because I need my reading voice in order to read. Weird that the voices have been quiet lately. I hope it’s not the calm before the storm. Last thing I need is to become psychotic. I will have to go into the hospital if that happens. I wish I could get an energy burst or something. I am so depressed I don’t even want my coffee anymore. I haven’t had coffee since Tuesday. Course I am out of my Starbucks funds so that is one reason I haven’t had coffee. But I can use my sister’s Keurig to make a cup, if I was inclined, which I am not. Maybe tomorrow I will make a cup.