Venting, Ranting, I can’t even

Venting, Ranting, I can’t even

So I talked with my therapist tonight about today’s events and the possibility that we would not see each other for a longer while than we are used to. I was going to go out and see her tomorrow but I am afraid it might be the last time I see her. And I can’t face that. She can’t face it either. Might be better to just keep talking on the phone.

Since I came home around 1230, my phone has been ringing off the hook. One was a spam call. Another was the phone call about my physiatrist. The last phone call that has me really irked was about my damn father. Here I was basking in the glory that I don’t have to deal with any of his medical issues for another 3 months. Nope. Asshole sees eye doctor. Eye doctor sees something so wrong he has to see a specialist. WTF. Since when did it come on my shoulders?? I can’t deal with it today. I really can’t.

I feel like crying because I am sad my therapist and I are not going to see each other for a long time because of transportation issues. Why the hell did she have to move to the boondocks?? She went to the hub of academia to the middle of nowhere. Christ. Why?? Now I am questioning whether we can continue. It has been on my mind for the last few months to see a new therapist. But I don’t think I can break free. I owe her too much money, money I can never repay in my lifetime, least not on the money I am collecting now. If I start work again, maybe but it doesn’t look like I will be working anytime soon because I can’t walk from here to there without pain.

Then you have the issue of my physiatrist that leaves without a letter of notice or anything. I liked her. She cared. How do I know that her replacement is the same? How do I know that I will see her? I can’t walk there. I googled it. It’s 0.7 miles. My limit is 0.4. If I try and stretch it, I will only be hurting myself like I did the last time. Course, I can walk there, have them see how hurt I get and then take a cab back to the station. But I don’t know that I want to see a new doctor. I am so annoyed. I was thinking about seeing my old foot doctor but I still owe him $150 for orthotics that I don’t wear anymore. I really need to pay them off if I want to see him. He is only there once a month now. Another annoyance. I don’t get to see a good doctor all the time.

Then my therapist was all what triggers Jekyll. I don’t want him triggered. I want him to stay where he is until I figure out what the hell I am doing with him. Until he tells me his real name and what he is doing, I am cutting him off, least for now. I know that may anger him more but I don’t want him coming out just when he is angry. I am angry too about what happened. I might not show it all the time but I am angry. Angry I was abused while I was an adult. I still am being abused, maybe not physically like with my ex, but with my parents. I am constantly being disrespected.

Okay, rant over, for now!