Finagling the bagel
I spent today going over how much it was going to cost me of my OTC meds, specifically my allergy meds and laxative. I couldn’t find them cheap at the two pharmacies that I go to. But Amazon saved me. For the laxative, it was buy two bottles for one. I was so happy and in order to get free shipping, I got 4 boxes of cereal. I eat a lot of cereal because it helps to keep my weight down.
I still have to get my prescription medication. That is going to be no finagling. I have about 5 or 6 meds I need. I have decided that I just won’t eat out this month. When I get my check, I usually order one meal out. But this time, I just can’t. I still don’t know how I am going to get my powerade for the month and a haircut. It’s stressing me out that I don’t have money for these items, but I might call to get my car junked tomorrow. I just hope I have the stamina to do it. I was going to do it today but I was just too tired. I had a really long day yesterday and today I felt like a truck hit me. I was just so very tired. I know part of it is that I took my pain meds because my leg was hurting me when I woke up. I just now took the last of them. The pharmacy lied and I won’t be able to fill my new script until Friday. So I have another two days of rationing, though not really. I have nothing to ration, except my stronger pain medication. I will only take that as a last resort and if my pain is near a twenty.
I had therapy today. I tried to see my therapist tomorrow, which would have made 4x this week but my she is out of the office. We talked more about my father being a SOB than anything else. I was getting annoyed so I asked to change the subject. She then brought up that I am still “loyal” to him. WTF. Not going there, not today. I had no energy to argue about it. I just reminded her that her daughter’s birthday is tomorrow. That cut the talk about my father real quick. We talked about her daughter for a little while and then moved on to something else.
If I was drained before therapy, I was more so afterwards. I was debating getting coffee at my Starbucks. I thought maybe a coffee is what I needed to give me a push. But my plans were spoiled when my cousin gave me a ride. After talking to him for the 15-20 mins, I just wanted to go home and sleep. I just got a sandwich and a water. My stomach was feeling icky so I didn’t want to make it more so with coffee. Today sucks. I am exhausted and can’t really deal with anything. I also think I am dehydrated so I got a Gatorade on my way home. I bought a candy bar thinking chocolate might help my mood but I didn’t even open it. I just left it on the kitchen counter and went to my room. I played my games, now I am writing my blog, and soon will be taking a nap. It’s that time of day when I need one. I don’t care if it energizes me for the night. I have meds to knock me out.
The thing that I didn’t talk to about with my therapist was that my suicidality is slowly increasing. I am feeling fed up because I am in pain all the time. I have been in pain nearly everyday for the past week. It’s stressing me out. And I can’t do anything about it. My PCP was saying that the depression makes the pain worse and the pain makes the depression worse. I was like no shit Sherlock. But what are you going to do to STOP the pain from happening?? He didn’t have an answer. But being in pain is literally driving me crazy. I just want one day of no pain, just so mentally I can rest. But I think the only way I can rest is if I take Ativan because there is not a chance I won’t be in pain anytime soon. And that is killing me, slowly but surely.
midnightdemons7 