Saturday Blog 16

Saturday Blog 16

I have not felt good all day. But I have been thinking about my cousin all week since he left me a message saying he was getting married today. I wanted to call earlier but I am bad at returning calls during normal business hours. I always remember after 2100. I called my cousin back today and spoke to him. He told me about his wedding and the parties he went to. My cousin married his partner, finally, after being together for more than 25 years. I am so happy to officially see his partner in the family. His partner got on the phone and he told me he sent me lyrics to a song he wrote in the early morning. He was telling me the process of the song and I had to read it. I LOVED it. It was so cool. I hope he records it and sends me the recorded version. Would love to hear the melody of the song.

Last night I had a scare. After I had my difficult BM, I started having increased back pain and my saddle/genital area were throbbing, something that has never happened to me before. It was awful. I had to take two strong pain pills and at least two ativans to calm down. I finally dozed off around 0200. All that time I was freaking out and was so damn tempted to go to the ER. I woke up in the morning and things were better. I still had back pain but it was the normal pain that I have been dealing with all along and not the pain I was dealing with last night. I swore to myself that if it was CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome), I was going to kill myself. There is no way I can handle being a cripple or be fused. I have heard many people who have been fused have so many problems. I have yet to hear of one success story of the many bad ones I have heard. My brother in law has told me that his coworker has received a fusion and is doing well. But I am sure that he didn’t have nerve damage before he got his fusion.

I don’t know why I was in horrendous pain last night. I know I had a difficult movement where I really had to push to get the crap out of me. I had been backed up for a few days as the last time I went was Monday. It is just another reminder of what living post CES is like. You can’t have normal bowels. I still am waiting to go again but it has not happened. I would take another senna but I took one earlier and I really don’t want to take two in one day for fear of bowel cramping.

I was so scared last night that I emailed my psychiatrist around 2300. I told her I was freaking out and that things were weird. I didn’t know if things were going to be better in the morning or not. I would have to go to the ER if things were not good. I feel like I am living with a time bomb in my back and I don’t know what will be the detonator. I have severely herniated discs in my L5/S1 that I am most worried about. I see my doc on Monday so I will ask him if having another MRI will be worthwhile at this point or not. I really don’t want to have another MRI as I need to have contrast and the last time I had one, they couldn’t find a vein so they skipped it. But with my back surgeries, you need contrast to show differentiation between new and old stuff.

I think my plans of seeing my therapist on Tuesday might be foiled as snow and ice are supposed to hit that day. Just great! I really want to see my therapist but I can’t because of the stinking weather. Normally, I wouldn’t care but I know going west of where I live is going to be more treacherous than where I live. I hope that it is nothing and I wake up with nothing on the ground. But some places are already having snow right now so there is still the chance that I won’t be seeing her Tuesday. Things could change as Tuesday is a few days away.