Feeling tired and listless

Feeling tired and listless

I went to bed feeling pretty perturbed. I am glad the trilafon helped to ease my suffering for a little while. I wish I slept a little more but my damn phone kept going off. It started with my pill reminder for my day meds (which I forgot to take and now is too late to do so), then several phone calls, two of which were from my father. I told my therapist about this and my MIA psychiatrist. I don’t know if I was in a mixed or psychotic state fueled by my suicidality or just agitation. Whatever it was, I am ok now, though I would rather be sleeping but I am still waiting for the delivery of my new printer. It is supposed to come sometime between now and I hope 1730. I have been keeping an eye outside for the truck. Lots of snow in the street and so I hope it won’t be delayed another day. There is still a snow emergency in effect in my town until 2000. Kind of ridiculous as it’s a sunny day out, but it is brutally cold.

If the delivery wasn’t today, I probably would have gone out to get my last prescription. I still have some left over but it’s not going to last me the week. I will try and get it tomorrow after my appointment with my father. Yes, I get to deal with the bastard tomorrow. I got to take him to the doctors because he can’t go on his own. I rather shoot myself in the head than take him to the docs tomorrow. Good thing I don’t own a gun.

We talked about various things in therapy. But mostly about my psychotic episode. I haven’t been like that in a while. I took my pink pill the day before and been taking it every other day with no problems. Now I had this episode, I don’t know if I should go back to taking it every day. I would ask my psychiatrist but she is not available. The trilafon I took seems to have calmed me down some though I still feel a little unsettled. I might take some more tonight to see if it helps. Trilafon has always been my “go to” drug when I am like this. And I don’t have to wake up early so hopefully, I can sleep late. I am going to try and go to bed early tonight.

Mail hasn’t come yet. I am still waiting for my Amazon order as well. I just need my calendar. There is an empty space on my wall and it is driving me nuts because that is where it is going to go. My walls are so bare. I really don’t have anything hung up. I had this beautiful Mexican stamp poster that I framed in my other place. It’s still packed along with my other stuff. When I moved into my current room, everything was tossed in it like garbage and I never could clean it because I got so overwhelmed. Then I lost one of my alcoves when I moved my one bureau in my room. It still doesn’t hold all my clothes, but does most of them. I hate not being able to clean and you would think with all this time on my hands, I would be able to. But it overwhelms me. Plus, I start cleaning, get distracted with something, and then do nothing. I am going to try and clear off my bureau one of these days. It has a lot of shit that I don’t need anymore. I just need to go through it, like everything else in my room.

I thought about writing my short story/blogs and putting them into a book. Only problem is the ones that I picked out are really short, like not even two pages long. That is not really a story. Sometimes, I am able to write long blogs but lately, I am lucky to write 500 words. It’s a struggle to get the words out, especially like today where all I want to do is sleep. Maybe if I print out the stories/blogs, I can work on it and make them longer. I don’t know. I got to work on something. It’s driving me crazy not doing anything but struggle all the time with everything. But that is what depression does to you.