Psychopharm for Suicide Prevention

Psychopharmacology for Suicide Prevention

Baldessarini and Tondo, in Suicide in Psychiatric Disorders, Tartarelli, Pompili, and Giardi, Eds 2007

I read this chapter in this book because I thought it would be interesting. Once you read that clozapine and lithium were valuable in the reduction of suicide, the rest of the article fell flat on its face. It talked about SRI’s (serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and how only fluoxetine was approved for adolescent use. The rest were “black boxed”. Maybe I was tired when I read this as I have been up most of the day and despite having two cups of caffeinated drinks, I am still tired. But the article, I felt was ridiculous. It listed more references than sentences. I hate articles like that. And the graphs made absolutely no sense. So unless you suffer from schizophrenia or Bipolar I disorder, you are fucked. I got more depressed reading this article.

I really wanted to kill myself after reading this. I don’t know why. Maybe because it said that I was in the age range that suicides happen and I am “untreated”. It did talk about how studies excludes those with suicidal thinking, which is a shame. But what was unclear was if the RCT (Random clinical trials) did anything if the subject became suicidal during the study. And what really pissed me off was they quoted “suicidality” like it wasn’t a word or something. It was really a bizarre article.

I also read today that 6 transgendered people killed themselves so far this year. I feel like I should be #7. I also read that Bruce Jenner, the athlete, is now a she. That totally blew my mind. It kind of gave me hope but I am feeling so shitty that all I can think about is killing myself because I hate myself so damn much. And that stupid article just gave me enough reasons to go ahead with it. I am going to write a will, so that my family knows what to do with my stuff. I want my books donated to my therapist in the hope it might help her. My journal articles might as well be recycled. They were of no value to anyone except me. My Suicide and Life threatening journal can be donated to the MGH library or a library that doesn’t have these important articles.

I am just so tired of living this way. My foot is throbbing big time and I didn’t even do anything to it the last few hours. It just exploded about an hour or two ago and the pain meds hasn’t even touched it. I think I am becoming psychotic again. I keep hearing my father’s voice and he isn’t here. And my regular voices have been really quiet, which is unusual. I know once I go to sleep, I probably will feel better when I wake up. I just feel so wired yet tired. Damn, it’s 0200. I don’t know how the hell time keeps escaping me. Maybe that is why I feel so disoriented. I know I have been playing on my laptop for the last few hours. I know because I have had to log out of one account and then log onto another back and forth to get the items I need for the one account I am working on. All for this stupid game I am playing. Maybe I should take my antipsychotic tonight. I usually take it every other night because otherwise I get nasty side effects. I hate them because they are so uncomfortable and I can’t do anything but SPAZ out. My arms and legs become very spastic. I hate it. But the drug keeps the bad voices away. I don’t know why I am hearing my father’s voice. He isn’t commanding. It’s just like remnants of a conversation more than talking to him like he is there. I don’t know if that explains it very well. Maybe I will take a trilafon and see if that helps.

5 thoughts on “Psychopharm for Suicide Prevention

  1. Likewise, I wish I could help you too. I do believe that people who kill themselves because they can’t stand the pain are forgiven even if there is some kind of deity. Who knows. I also hate that….”More than you can bear” bullshit.

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  2. I don’t know much about those religions. My favorite phrase is “god doesn’t give you more than you can handle”, which is a bunch of bullshit in my opinion. Often times, religion can be a protective factor for not killing yourself, because those that are deeply religious, feel it goes against the commandant, though shall not kill. I myself don’t believe in a god. I believe there is a higher power or providence (blame that on my puritan upcoming in Boston). I don’t want to live in an “anti-suicide” culture. That to me is just hurtful and doesn’t not help suffering people.

    I am sorry you are miserable. I wish there was something I could do to help you.

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  3. I hope you’re still here to read this, but I also know that sometimes pain becomes unbearable. I am finding that religions that believe that suffering in this life cancels out or repairs some kind of defect or trauma in the Universe, are vehemently anti-suicide because then the job doesn’t get done and the act of self-annihilation actually adds to it. I’m speaking of Judaism and Vedic Hinduism, which are the ones I know about. I often wish that I were not a member of an anti-suicide culture, because most of the time I am miserable. I don’t know how to rectify religious/cultural beliefs that suffering is a good thing because it erases past life sins or defects in the Universe, with the personal experience of unbearable pain. What are your thoughts on this?

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