Another side of Bipolar Disorder

Another side to Bipolar Disorder

Last night, I sort of crashed. I was still feeling like I was in some weird mixed state but I was more up than down. Despite the up feelings, I was adamant that I should kill myself while in this state as I had energy to do so. I texted my therapist that I was a hopeless case and something to the effect that I would be writing suicide letters before ending my life. I still am thinking this. We have a session in about an hour. I am sure she is going to try and talk me out of it but I don’t think she can this time.

All day I have been in a weird mood, neither up, neither down, just flat but I have been alert and to my senses. I got pissed off last night because I requested a 90 day supply of medication and he sent in a 30 day supply. Now the mail order is charging me $20, for what I am not sure. I am so angry that I don’t care. It’s not like I am going to be living 90 days anyway. I am going to get my affairs in order and just end things. How I am going to do this, is still a mystery to me. I haven’t thought that far ahead.

Last night I doubled my mood stabilizer. I also took my antidepressant that I have not been taking for more than a month. Now I have the hungry horrors today, though I think that is mostly because of the antidepressant than the mood stabilizer. I just wanted to get out of the “high” feeling before I spent my last dollar that probably isn’t mine (long story). I still have to file my taxes and I need money because I know that I owe. I plan on filing my next pay period, which is in two weeks. Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist. I am wicked nervous about seeing her, though kind of in a good way. I bought her chocolate as a welcome back. She knows of my mood swings because I emailed her. She doesn’t know of my suicidal plans. I fear that if she knows them, I will be placed in the hospital. But the hospital is not going to deter me this time.

I don’t know why I am planning all these self-destructive things. I am just preparing for my death. I have not made any plans to actually end my life. I am just writing notes in the case of my death, which will be sometime this year. I cannot bare to live another decade.

Had a half a row with my mother tonight. She said that she didn’t know there was a boy in the house (meaning me, with my new haircut). I had to walk away only because it was close to my therapist appointment time and I didn’t want to start a fight. It still pisses me off she has no clue that I am a male or transgender. She is so fucking clueless. And it hurts so bad.

She won’t be getting a letter from me. My sisters, nieces, and nephew will but she won’t. And because my father doesn’t read English, he won’t get one either. Because fuck him. He is the reason for my problems, with all the abuse he has given me over the years.

My therapist didn’t flip out over my text of me wanting to write suicide notes and then kill myself. She has been calmer with my suicidality lately, and it is scaring me. We actually talked about my suicidality with her anxiety going off on all tangents. I even brought it up and she said it was there she just wasn’t letting it show. Maybe because I am not in the same room with her I can’t “read” her. But then she can’t really “read” me either. We talked about my decent into the darkness last night. And again it comes out when I am tired and I can’t sleep. It’s like I am fighting sleep and if I would just lie down, I might be able to sleep. But instead I feel like I have to write. So I wrote my therapist a good by letter. I will also be sending her a copy of my short story on psychosis. I started the letter soon after midnight. So the Midnight Demons came out. I don’t even remember half of what I wrote to her. But then, when I am in that state, I never remember what I write. The thing that bothers me is that I had taken meds that should have knocked my ass out well before midnight. I had taken my meds around 2130 so I should have fallen asleep within an hour, the most two. It just really sucks when I don’t fall asleep and I am fighting sleep. That is when I become really suicidal and I write about it deeply and with intensity. Then in the morning, I have no recollection of what I wrote. At all.

My therapist wants me to take my meds early tonight. I will take them at 2000 and see if I fall asleep before 2300. I do have to wake up early tomorrow to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am not sure I will tell her about my suicidality or letter writing. It will depend on my mood. Sometimes I am forthcoming with my suicidality but sometimes I hold back because I don’t want to end up in the emergency room. My suicidality is not imminent so I don’t think I will be sent to emergency services. And she knows my suicidality is chronic.