I was on a BPD chat tonight and the topic was “tell your story or re-author it”, something to that effect. It was going well until someone brought up comfort zones. I said that my therapist gets uncomfortable when I bring up my suicidal thoughts and feelings. This person replied “well there are rules for that”. That is not the same thing. You can’t all be talking about daisies and puppies in therapy. Sometimes you need to have a therapist listen to the hard stuff that is making you want to kill yourself and if that is not part of the comfort zone, then what is?? I had to leave the chat because I got so pissed off. I don’t really know why it bothered me so much. Probably because I am so tired of therapists having their comfort zone EXCLUDE suicide talk. Then things get real.
I didn’t do any promoting. No one was apparently interested that I wrote a book. It is weighing on me though. Because I am basing the sales of this book to my next. But it is going to be a while before I can come up with 150-200 pages of stuff. I edited today a blog I wanted to use. It is 3 pages long. So I tossed it. I am not going to use it because I can’t expand upon it. I have been tinkering with the possibility of writing a piece on being a suicide attempt survivor and what that means. I have written three articles in my blogs about it. I can combine all three and then go from there, or I can start fresh. It’s still up in the air. I don’t have a timeline to work on these things. It’s just whenever they come to me.
I took down one of the pages of my blog. I removed “why I blog”. I figured “what my blog is about” will be more fitting. I wanted to change things up a bit.
I got a month before I know if I won the AAS writing contest. I probably won’t win. I wrote pretty depressing stuff that wasn’t too hopeful. Just like my book. All I need to sell is 15 more copies and I will have met my goal of 100 books sold in a year. But I don’t think it is going to happen. I only sold 3 books this month. I need 12 more to make my goal. I have been promoting like crazy but no bites. An author gave a website today to promote an indie book. I am going to try and see if I can have my book on their website. It’s worth a shot.
Ankle is killing me today. I have been up and down the stairs a lot today. I also took a walk to the drug store to get my meds and a birthday card for my idiotic father. His birthday is next week. If I don’t give him anything, he is like a child and has a tantrum. Fucking ridiculous. I hate buying cards because I think they are just a waste of money. You pay for it, the person reads it, and then where does it end up? In the trash! So my money is now waste. Just don’t know why I bother sometimes.
I have been feeling depressed today. It really was an effort just to get out of bed. I had a rough time sleeping as I had weird dreams and my med app reminder kept going off. By the time I was awake enough to take my meds, it was 0400! OOPS. I just took my hormone pill as that is what I really need to take. I just hope it doesn’t mess things up. Will have to wait and see at this point. I didn’t bother taking my other meds because it was so early in the morning. I would have slept all day. I took a snooze, or what was supposed to be a snooze, around 1900 and I guess I just fell into a deep sleep. I am surprised I still had battery on my phone because I wasn’t charging it.
I have been craving salty and sweet things all day. Mostly, I have been craving bacon. But I just don’t want the clean up. My friend suggested that I cook it in the oven but I don’t know how that will be as I never made it that way before. And besides, I just want a few slices, not the whole package. I think it tastes better fried than baked anyways.
midnightdemons7 