Visit with friends

Visit with Friends

I visited and had dinner with friends tonight. We were celebrating my friend’s 79th birthday. It was a good evening. My friend’s kids kept us entertained with the going ons in their lives. One is a cheer-something. It’s like cheerleading but more gymnastic. I forget the name that it is really called. I saw videos of her daughter doing flips and such. It was cute. She will be going to Disney for the summit competition there. I am really proud of these kids. I have watched them grow like my own. My friend’s son was telling us that he is into the musical arts and drama. He sings in this thing. I can’t wait to see the videos of him singing. I am sure it will be cute!

We took the commuter rail to and from my friends’ house as it was south of Boston and its easier than driving there. The trains are still running behind schedule. We were supposed to be in Stoughton at 17:30 but didn’t get there till around 17:45 or so. On the way home the train was late again and I almost missed my bus to go home. Luckily it was on time, for once. Otherwise I would have had to wait another half hour in the freezing rain for the next bus. The bus ride home was anxiety provoking for me. It was full, there were people blocking the aisles (one of my pet peeves and anxiety producer), and of course, every single stop was called from the moment we left the station. I just got home about fifteen minutes ago. I didn’t think I was ever going to go home. I had too much to eat so was feeling sick. I got to my room and almost lost the contents of my stomach. I don’t know why I am getting so nauseous. It’s not even smells that make me sick. I just get really nauseous for no reason. It’s driving me crazy. Then tomorrow I have to deal with my cranky father who doesn’t feel good. I think he caught a virus and that isn’t good for a man his age. It can takes weeks for it to clear his system because he is old and has other health issues. I really don’t want to deal with him but I got to do his meds before he flips out. My sisters doesn’t know what he takes and so it is my responsibility.

It’s been a cold raw day. I am happy that we didn’t get snow they were saying we would, but we could if the temp drops. I really can wait for the warmer weather just so I can wear short sleeves again. I hate having to wear long sleeves all the time because it is cold. Sox lost tonight, like I thought they would. I had a feeling Porcello wasn’t going to live up to the hype, especially after he signed his contract. But there were 2 errors on both teams so I am not sure if they were costly or not. So the record is 1-1. Start fresh tomorrow.

I guess I won’t be canceling therapy next week like I was hoping. Bitch therapist said it “deserves conversation so we’re keeping regular times next week”. WTF I am still going to try and get out of Wed. I can play hardball too. I have too much experience with getting out of appointments, though with her, I haven’t been too successful. It is just so aggravating to be in therapy some times when you know it’s not helping. It’s not making matters worse, just isn’t being effective. I am not saying she needs to cure me, just let me limp my own way some times. She doesn’t want me to be alone. I do my best work alone. It’s when I get brilliant ideas on how to help myself or find something new to try. And I am not trying to discourage anyone from therapy, I just have been in it since I was 15 so I think a little break might be useful now and then, even if I am suicidal at times. I know my bad times don’t last forever, even if they feel like they are going to. I just need time to work on ME to make things better. And other times I need someone to bounce ideas off of that will hopefully understand what I am trying to say. Most of the time, what I tell my therapist is out of her league. She doesn’t get the chronic pain that I am but tries to. She know what happens if I don’t get a pain break. She also knows what will happen if I am ever denied my pain medication. I don’t abuse it but I do need it because if I don’t have it, I will end up killing myself because of pain. Not because I don’t have the medication, but because I will be up the creek without a paddle or boat and I will just drown.

I have a busy rest of the week. Tomorrow I see my father and Friday I see my pdoc. I am going to be constipated again because I can’t take a senna while I am out because I never know when it will work. The last time it worked a little too well and I just made it to the bathroom on time. But I was home. If I was out, I would have crapped my pants. So I rather be home when I take it and be safer than sorry. Because if I ever do crap my pants in public, I will kill myself. I have been lucky so far that this has not happened. But then I don’t leave the house until I poop. No one EVER told me this when I got CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. We never talked about the bowels or bladder. They just assumed everything was fine, if they didn’t ask. Course it wasn’t until I had regular movements that I knew that I couldn’t feel them. I had been constipated so long that hard stool was my life. When things were softer, I just don’t have feeling. And that my friends, is where the trouble starts and why I have to stay in the house when using a laxative to go to the bathroom.