Stupid back pain

Stupid back pain

I don’t know what I did today but the side of my back is killing me. It’s making it difficult to sit or lie down. It also has been cramping so I have taken an extra baclofen to try and ease the spasms. I would have taken an Ativan but I don’t want to go to sleep. I am already sleepy because again, I had an awful night sleep. I woke up early this morning in pain. And then when I did get up to face the day, I was still in pain so took some more pain meds. This is why I don’t understand why my back is hurting. I also took an anti inflammatory med to try and ease it as I know it is muscular and not anything else. I think I need a massage on my legs and lower back/hip. I don’t know of a place that does it. The last place I went to before I had surgery in 2006 nearly killed me. I was already in pain but was in worse pain afterwards. It’s hard to find a good massage therapist at a reasonable cost.

I haven’t been in the best of moods today because I have been in so much pain and discomfort. I really am wondering if this is what my life is going to be like from now until eternity. I cannot fathom that, which is why I want to take my life before that happens. I really have been in an awful mood, sometimes weepy at times. Today is the anniversary of when the Titanic sank and President Lincoln was assassinated. Lincoln was my favorite president. I think I have read more about him than about any other president. I like Reagan, too. I have read some stuff on him but not as much as Lincoln. So today, for me anyways, is a solemn day. 1523 people lost their lives when their luxury ship struck an iceberg. I also have done research into the Titanic because I felt bad so many people lost their lives, when if they had measures they have today, it wouldn’t have been so disastrous.

I reluctantly had therapy today and will tomorrow. It was a hard session. My therapist was pissed off that I tried to cancel another week. Now she is not letting me go for any reason. I still need next Wed off because I have an appointment with my PCP. Session went disastrously. My therapist kept asking why I wanted to end my life and for the life of me, all I could think of was, why not? I am tired of being in pain. I am tired of breathing. If I could give my life to someone else, I would in a heartbeat. I just don’t want to be anymore. She read my goodbye letter and it disturbed her. She tried reading my psychosis story but it was too long for her to read. She didn’t have the time. She thinks that it should be in a book or something. I told her I have stopped working on my book because of my impending death. She still thinks she can talk me out of it and refuses to end therapy. I told her I was protecting her.

I wish I could just die right now. I just don’t feel like I can go on. I am just so tired of struggling. I need to stop here because pain is preventing me from sitting anymore. I need to get some pain relief.