I had shut the AC off when I woke up this morning and then went back to sleep after I had breakfast. HOLY HELL. My room was so hot and stuffy when I woke up a few hours later. It is cooler than it has been but the house is still hot as hell despite the windows being open. I had to turn the AC back on to get cold again. I cannot tolerate the heat. It has gotten worse as I get older. I don’t know why this is. I never liked the heat to begin with. It makes me really cranky. So I stay in my room most of the time, as I do nearly every day anyways.
I need to shower today. I have developed a loathing for self-care. I don’t know why this is or how it came about. Once I am in the shower, I am usually ok. But thinking about it just makes me detest it. And I don’t shower too long, three songs usually, and I am out. I think I have timed it to ten minutes from start to finish, which is not long but is such a hassle. I try to do it when my mother isn’t home so she doesn’t come barging in while I am undressed. I like my privacy, unlike my mother.
I have slowed down blog writing. I hope that doesn’t mean that I am getting away from my muse again. I always get worried when I write a lot and then it slows down. Yesterday’s blog was difficult to write. I think it was because I was too distracted with Twitter. Every time I stepped away and went back, there would be 50 new tweets waiting for me. I would read it then forget that I was in the middle of the blog. They say that when you are writing, you should be on a computer that is disconnected from the internet. Now I see why that is so true. I haven’t done any book writing. I think “Haylor” was the last thing that I was able to write. I still need to put it in the word doc and possibly work on it some more to try and make it longer. Together with the other doc, it will be around 1500 words. I’d like to get it to a thousand more words, which will be some hard work. But I wrote it out of nothing so I am sure I can add more nothingness to it.
Last night my good ankle was itchy. It was just dry skin but while I was scratching I felt some pain on my Achilles and found a lump. I don’t know how long I had this lump or where it came from. It looked like I had a bug bite there so was hoping in the morning it would be gone. It’s not. It’s not painful like it was, unless you press on it. The area around it is swollen. I don’t like this. It has me upset because if my good ankle becomes weak and I have to be in pain, it is just going to drive up my suicidality. I am already taking a NSAID but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything for this lump. It’s not red or anything. Just swollen and painful to the touch. I see my physiatrist in a week and a half. I hope that it’s gone by then but if not, I will have him check it out. He would be the best guy to talk to about it. I might push the appointment earlier if the lump is still there on Monday. It’s kind of too high to be an irritation from my sneakers, but what do I know. I think it just could be a bone spur. I also think that because I take pain medication, I might not feel the pain if that is what it is. Bone spurs can be very painful.
Other than possibly showering today, I have nothing else on my agenda. I might finish up HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It is one of my favorite books. If I finish it, I might start Goblet of Fire. But I still have quite a few suicide research articles to read. I think I might create a bibliography page and put that in the folder I am placing these articles, just so I know where they are for future reference. It might help me so I am not going crazy looking for the hard copy as I have several folders, each with different stages of study. I have it all organized in my head and on my thumb drive. I just don’t have it organized outside of these places. I started doing this for Shneidman’s articles. He wrote extensively in the last years of his life. I have most of his book, though not all. I hope to have them all one day. But his books are expensive and hard to find. Just finding “Explorations in Personality” by Henry Murray was difficult. I had found a bookshop online that dealt with old books that are no longer in print. I forget what I paid for this book, that was printed in 1938, but it was worth it. If you ever read anything from Shneidman, he always talks about this book. He admired Murray. As I was a psych major, I figured I might as well get this book as it could be useful in my studies. Unfortunately, I had to drop out of college due to my mental illness so I never finished getting my degree. It was such a disappointment because I am only about 9 classes short of getting it. And now it doesn’t seem likely because classes are way beyond my budget. I would have to win the lottery to earn my degree.
midnightdemons7 