Author: Midnight Demon

A day of anxiety

I had a good night sleeping, only waking up twice and being able to get back to sleep after. I woke up before my alarms. I had coffee and oatmeal for breakfast followed by a shake. It kept the hunger down. I drank water while I was out. I took a cab to my doctor’s appointment. Because I didn’t have too much pain in my bicep, the doc decided to inject the area where I broke my shoulder. She said the capsule was inflamed as it didn’t want the needle to go through. That was the only complication. She gave me so much lidocaine, I didn’t feel anything. My shoulder is still numb. After the shot, I started to get tightness in my chest. I think it was just anxiety so I went and got a 4 shot mocha at Starbucks afterwards.

I drank the drink outside where there was a man that kept on asking every person that walked by if “they could help him out”. It was annoying. If I had change, I would have given him something. I feel bad for them. I came home at the same time my mother did. She let me go up the stairs ahead of her as she is slower. I sat in the kitchen to rest. My heart was racing. I filled the water jug for my mother as she was tired and it was hot in the kitchen.

I went upstairs and after I got undressed, I sat on my bed where I experienced palpitations galore. My ankle flared up so I took a Ativan and BT med. Then I got pain in my bladder. I really didn’t want to get dressed. My nephew isn’t home so I just put a tank top on.

Before I left for my appointment, the weight doc’s secretary called. She wanted to book appointments for me. I have an appointment Fri with the dietitian and then end of the month I have the caloric testing as well as body composition thing. Then I see him some time in August to go over the results. The bad news is that I will be in the office for about an hour, if not more. The good news is that there is my favorite burrito place next door to the office so I can have a burrito for lunch. Hopefully the construction around the building will have been completed and there is a place to sit outside. Otherwise I will take the burrito home with me.

This time next year I hope to be able to be shirtless and walk around the house like that. I am wicked tired from my appointment. It took a lot of spoons. I brushed my teeth and shaved off the beard so now I just have a goatee. I plan on giving myself a closer shave tomorrow with the razor. If I am up in the morning I will do it then. Otherwise it will be after my appointment with my pcp.

My gender dysphoria was high today when I gave myself the T shot. My fricken hairy boob was in my way and I couldn’t see where the injection site was. Fucking pissed me off so much. I can’t wait till these suckers are off. I want all the breast tissue gone. Not one ounce of it left. Then small nipples. Hope this can happen. Fingers crossed.

Still tired from being hot

I was up most of the night again. I went to pee and had a hard time falling back to sleep. I started writing in my journal until I got tired enough to try and sleep. Then I woke up from bad dreams. I finally gave up sleeping around 630. It was cold in my room from the AC so I shut it off as I was cold. The temps warmed up in a few hours and my room was hot again. The kitchen, when I went down to have my coffee, was unbearable. I was sweating a lot. I had to go back up to my room.

I booked a cab for tomorrow’s appointment. I am to have an injection in my bicep to help with the swelling/tears. I am hoping afterwards I will be able to get back to lifting weights. I haven’t done so because my arm has been hurting too much. I bought the KN95 masks so I will be protected against the new variant that is out. I hope to go to Starbucks afterwards for a mocha. Depending on how I will feel, I might take the T home.

I have therapy today. I am not looking forward to it because I am tired. It’s hard for me to think right now. I hope I can sneak in a nap before session. I have a few hours. I won’t be going to the chronic pain group today. I just can’t stand them anymore. I don’t find it helpful. It is a hit or miss on whether or not I can relate to what the group is talking about and I don’t like it because half the time, they don’t talk about pain.

I went to the chronic pain group and then I left. I couldn’t be around people after therapy. We talked about the texts I sent her surrounding suicide prevention. It was a good chat. Then came the talk about my consult appointment happening while she is on vacation. We came up with some strategies so I don’t get overwhelmed and go into a downward spiral if I hear something I don’t like. It is going to be really hard. If I have to lose the weight, I shouldn’t feel screwed because the weight doc said he would do some metabolic testing to see where I was. He also would do a body composition thing. That sounds really fun. I get to see just how fat I really am. I also am to see the dietitian. I am trying to lose weight before the appointment by drinking shakes and eating just cereal. I find eating the wheat chex filling so I am not hungry throughout the day. I am also drinking more water than Gatorade. My therapist is trying to have me give it up but it is the one thing that brings me joy so it isn’t going to happen. I see her again on Thurs as an extra session as she is going on vacation.

I finally took a nap around 1600 and slept till around 1930. One of my books has arrived but I am too lazy to go downstairs and bring it up. I’ve never been excited for a book before. HAHA. I am a bibliophile! Oh my therapist talked to me about the trauma treatment EMDR. She is trained but isn’t certified in it, yet. Her only concern is because I dissociate I can get “stuck”. She wants me to read more about it and then let her know. So that is what I will do, after I finish the BATA book. I didn’t finish reading any book for the month of June so I am behind in my book reading challenge. I should have it finished this week, if I really work at it.

July 4^th 2022

I may get grief for this but I don’t feel American on this Independence Day. Women losing their bodily autonomy, guns having more rights than fetuses, rapists getting to raise their own children. This isn’t the America I grew up with. So GOP congress and the 6 Justices can go to hell.

How do we then effectively stop the lethal pain? The answer is revealed in reseach: we have to be person centered or person oriented (Lenaars 2004). Key to helping any suicidal person “tell me what’s happening. Where do you hurt”?

These things are what is on my mind today. I finished the suicide chapter I was reading and it had a lot of good information on it. I bought the book by Lenaars. I don’t know if I will get to read it but I bought it none the less. I am in a very icky mood. I shaved and showered. I brushed my teeth. But it didn’t take the icky feeling away.

I am proceeding with ketamine therapy. It is my last hope. I don’t know when treatment will start. My psychiatrist has to put in the referral and then I need to meet with one of the psychiatrists at the center for evaluation. They will be the ones making the decision if I have ketamine or not.

I ordered groceries. They should be coming soon. I just feel blah today. I haven’t really eaten anything other than oatmeal and coffee. I plan on having a smoothie for dinner. I forgot to order water. I wish I had a subscription to Poland Springs so that water could be delivered and I don’t have to worry about it. But the bitch won’t allow it.

After I finish BATA, I plan on reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. I should finish BATA by the end of the week, I hope. There are about 8 chapters left. I slept pretty good but I am still tired. This heat is killing me. I hate summer so much. I feel like I got to stay in my AC’d room to stay cool. I feel wicked depressed today. Keep thinking about death. It is constantly on my mind. I honestly don’t think I can ever not think about it. It has been on my mind for years now. One day I hope I will end it.

Tired from doing nothing

It’s the fourth of July weekend but I don’t feel like celebrating. My cousin invited me over to her house. She is by the beach. But my sister already left for the day. They make is a whole day affair and that is just too much for me. If I had a car, I would just come and go as I wish like I used to. I sometimes miss having a car.

I woke up tired. Slept fairly well last night, waking up only once to pee. I got four goals today. I need to brush my teeth, shower, shave, and do my meds for the week. Hopefully in that order.

I am listening to Hamilton again. I wanted to listen to something historic as today people are celebrating the 4^th. I just hope I don’t fall asleep. Sox are playing. They are already down by 1 run. Rookie pitcher is on the mound today.

Seeing as I will have the evening free, I plan on reading a chapter or two of BATA. I don’t see my therapist till Tuesday because tomorrow is a holiday. I have three appointments this week. I just hope the injection helps my arm and I can weight lift again.