Author: Midnight Demon

Thoughts about today

I had therapy today and I didn’t want to go. I wish I slept through the appointment and I almost did as I woke up 4 mins before session started. My laptop was being slow as fuck to wake up so I was a few minutes late due to technical issues. We talked about last week and how my family went against me because I didn’t bring down my recycling. Also talked a little about being suicidal. She said I need to stop being vague. I also told her I was stressed over my finances because I was short with this month’s payment for the mortgage. I will have to owe my sister the money next month. It is because my meds were $160 that I am short. I have $85 to go before I don’t have to pay anymore because my deductible will be met. I still need to get the new blood pressure medicine that I will be hopefully prescribed tomorrow.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I came back home and I was so short of breath. Going up the little incline to my house gets me every single time. Then I have to go up the stairs and it just kills me. It didn’t take forever like it did the other day to catch my breath again. I had some water while I was resting. I was pretty thirsty. I am still having bladder pains. My foot is a little better today though it has been throbbing all day. The icy coldness that I felt yesterday is gone. Read today on Twitter that a Nor’easter is on its way toward us this weekend.

I am wicked tired because I have been up since 4am. I woke up to pee and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I took my morning meds at 7 and had my first cup of coffee then. I didn’t have my second cup until after therapy. I was so damn tired. We didn’t talk about heavy stuff but it still took a lot out of me. I didn’t want to go and ended up going anyway.

I am seeing the new PCP tomorrow for my blood pressure. I hope she doesn’t want labs drawn. I plan on having my bloodwork done for my TG doc in a couple of weeks. I plan on going to bed around 2100 but it might be sooner as I am tired. I know if I go to bed sooner than 2100 the risk of me waking up several times during the night increases. I just cannot stay asleep when I get to sleep.

Blood donation and appointments

Yesterday took a lot out of me. I was so tired when I came home I was short of breath for a good while. I wasn’t wheezing but it took a long time for me to catch my breath. I was that tired. I spent nearly six hours out, four of them at the hospital. The café was open to visitors so I was able to have my beets salad. It was so good even though the beets were sliced instead of whole. I didn’t feel like eating chicken salad as I had my PB&J sandwich. I was so full because of the amount of drinking I was doing. I went to the bathroom like three times. I did ok for my donation. I had a good phlebotomist who got me on the first try. I told her my veins were deep and she said yes they were. She was so nice. I hope that if I donate again, I get her.

My neuro appointment went well. Nothing serious is going on with my head or nerves. I still need to be careful with my back because I have a disc that is trouble. I forgot to ask her why my thigh flares up when I give the T shot. I am not sure if the muscle is directly connected or not. I was going to ask my PT but it snowed last night and I didn’t want to deal with it so I canceled my appointment. I tried to reschedule it but she is booked.

I didn’t have a good sleep last night, tired as I was. Pain kept me up like every four hours. I got up when my med alarm went off. I am thinking of taking a shower today because I am wicked itchy for some reason and I have been sweating most of the day. The temps are just above freezing so I don’t know why I am so damn hot. My CRPS foot is cold, however, right in the bones. I had to take off the wool socks because my ankles swelled up and the elastic was hurting me. I have been trying to stay hydrated and eat today but I am not too hungry or thirsty so it has been hard.

I met with my psychiatrist today (via zoom). I asked if he wanted any blood work as I am getting my blood drawn in a couple weeks and he said no. He needed an A1c but I already had it done. We talked about donating and he was amazed that I gave. He said that I had saved someone’s life by donating. I hope so. I wish I knew if my blood was used or not but they don’t tell you. I got some juice and a long sleeve t-shirt that I really like. It doesn’t have anything on it except the blood donor center on the breast area. Today I am so pooped. I had ¾ of a black bean burger. I had coffee. I know I shouldn’t be drinking a lot of coffee while I am recovering but I am dragging. I am trying to drink Powerade and water. But it is hard to drink when you aren’t thirsty and just want to sleep.

Since Sunday, I have been having bladder pain. Urine is clear so I don’t think I have an infection. If I still have it next week, I will have my urine checked. It is just annoying. I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I am waiting for my T to be filled and then I will go. My mother wanted me to mail something for her but I am not going near a mailbox and I am not crossing the main street twice to do it. I told her I wasn’t going that way. It would take too many spoons that I don’t have. My psychiatrist validated my energy levels. I told him what happened last week when I had tried to clear my room with the help of my niece but my niece bailed on me and I got yelled at by four family members because I just left the stuff. I was called a hoarder and I told him I don’t have an emotional connection to the recycles I just don’t have the energy to take it downstairs. I still haven’t touched my trash bag only because it is a little out of reach and stuff is everywhere. I am overwhelmed with trying to get it together to throw out. I will try and get it together before Thursday when it is trash day. I have an early appointment that day so I can take out the bag and put it in the bin when I leave. This will take some planning on my part. Of course it all depends if I get up early enough. Otherwise, all bets are off.

Sunday Blog 23012022

I didn’t get up when my med alarm went off. I was so tired. I woke up a couple of times during the night. I had woken up at midnight and it took a while for me to settle down and get back to sleep. I hope I have a better night tonight as I got to be up and out of the house by 9 so I can see my neurologist in the morning. I also need to donate blood. I hope the café is open to patients so I can get lunch. I will bring a sandwich just in case they are closed to the public. I am trying to hydrate as much as I can. I figure I will switch between Powerade and water.

I did my arm exercises this afternoon after I had my coffee. It was tough but I did it. I was fatigued afterwards. I shaved my head while heating up my lunch. I had missed a spot yesterday when I was I was shaving. I finally took a shower and washed all my parts with my new soap. I had shaved my face and head. I look good bald.

I got to pack my bag and make sure I have enough caths for the time out. I will be drinking a lot so I need to make sure I have more than enough. It is going to be cold tomorrow. I am debating taking an Uber so I don’t waste energy on the T getting to my appointment. I just really hope I am not rushing in the morning because I know I will forget something.

I am listening to Taylor on my laptop. I only have Red and folklore on. It is enough. It is all I have been listening to the past few months anyway. I am trying to stay awake so I can drink at least 3L. I have drank one so far. I need to do my meds for the week. I will do it in a little while. I want to finish writing first.

I plan on bringing my book to read while I am waiting in between appointments tomorrow. I read two chapters last night. I read about the myths of suicide. Stuff like asking about suicide plants the idea in people’s head. Totally false. Or if they are suicidal they always will be suicidal. Another falsehood. Another one is if they are talking about suicide they won’t go through with it. False. I am really enjoying this book.

Shoulder is hurting today. I don’t know if the exercises contributed or not. I don’t want to take ibuprofen because I don’t know if it will disqualify me from giving blood so I am just going to take BT med and Tylenol. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I think I will do it before bed.