Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Saturday blog 22012022

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I was having a hard time last night. 4 family members were upset with me because I didn’t bring the recycle down. I had asked my niece to do it and she never did so I got the blame. I got called a hoarder and it really hurt because i know I am not.

Today I slept until my bladder was gonna explode. My sister was in our bathroom so I had to go downstairs to use my other sister’s bathroom, which meant not cathing because she doesn’t have catheters in her bathroom and I didn’t grab any before leaving my room. I had something to eat and coffee. I feel like I could go back to sleep. I actually went to bed around 7 last night but I didn’t sleep. I felt guilty going to bed so early.

I had a difficult day as I got my haircut and then had to go to urgent care for my blood pressure issues. I was having side effects from the blood pressure pill and the doc wanted to put me on a Holter monitor. I said no. My new pcp is going to see me Thursday to start me on the beta blocker lebatalol. But I got to be seen in person. At 0830. Yuck. Next week is going to be a busy week so i hope by Thursday I have some insomnia so I can go to the appt. Otherwise i could sleep through the appt.

I am going to try and shower today. I want to shave my head but don’t think I can do it. I haven’t brushed my teeth in three days. I am so bad when it comes to this stuff. My new toothpaste has become community property. I am not happy about this. I am so tired I just want to go back to bed. I took my morning meds when I got up at 2pm. That is really late to take my twice a day pain med. I just had a really hard time sleeping during the night. I kept waking up to pee.

a going off blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A going off blog

I am just going to bitch about the problems in my life today because I have a therapist I can’t really talk to at times because she intimidates me. I have been slowly getting the recycle in my room together to be thrown in the recycle to be picked up tomorrow. It might seem like I am a hoarder but I am not. I just get overwhelmed and I don’t want the criticism that I drink too much Gatorade every single time I bring down the recycles. I have one bag of trash that needs to be thrown out. The problem is that the blood pressure medication that I am taking has been causing me heart rate problems. My heart rate went up to 156 and all I did was bend down to get something off the floor and when I stood up, I got wicked palpitations and heart racing. I sent a message to my doc that I want to be back on the beta blocker I was to control my BP. It was 142/94 today so the medication isn’t helping just causing problems/side effects.

I sent a message to my psychiatrist last night because I was so fed up with being in pain and being tired all the time because I am not sleeping during the night. I fought fatigue most of the day yesterday and didn’t nap. Last night was the same deal. I woke up around 0130 to pee and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I tried to stay off my phone even though I had messages. My psychiatrist wrote back saying that he supports me. I told him I hadn’t showered in days or brushed my teeth. Last night before bed I did brush my teeth. I haven’t done so today yet. I still need to shower. I stink because I was sweating yesterday. I also need to shave. My stubble is going to turn into a beard soon if I don’t.

My ribs are hurting. Actually everything on my left side is hurting. During dinner I put heat on my shoulder. My mother made pork chops and mashed potatoes. It was good. Now I just want to listen to some music and maybe read a bit before taking my night meds. I haven’t touched my book all week. So much for setting aside reading time. I can’t help it sometimes I am just too tired to read. I got 11 days to finish it. I want to try and read one book a month.

therapy and t shot day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Therapy and t shot day

Today I give myself T. It was kind of hard because it is in my left leg and it is so damn sensitive compared to my right. My thigh is throbbing right now. It normally doesn’t hurt but due to CRPS, things get inflamed and more sensitive on that side. I need to take a shower today. Hope I will have energy for it. I had two cups of coffee. I also bought new soap as an incentive.

I had therapy. It was a difficult session as we talked about how isolating my suicidality is bringing me. She wants me to reach out more but I have so much difficulty finding a receptive ear that I often just don’t. We also talked about texting. She gave me a 4 text a week limit. I can text whatever I want. I feel better knowing this because sometimes my anxiety causes me to text more. I have been trying to use the other acct to text but sometimes I want her to know something. It was really hard discussion because I felt like I was being reprimanded and I wasn’t. I felt myself shutting down and wanting to just disappear. I said so. All the memories of getting yelled at when I was a kid came flooding back. I just felt so small. I tried to deal with not shutting down. I find it hard to be comfortable with her because she seems so stand off ish.

My aunt who is recovering from Covid called me today. It was a surprise but I have been on her mind. She called me after Thanksgiving leaving a weird message about getting together. I asked my sisters if she had called them and it was only me she called. It was just weird. But it was good talking to her. She sounded fatigued and she is recovering well. I told her I went to PT to recover so I hope she does to help her. She sent me a pic of her newest grandson. He is so cute and looks like his brother so much.

I am so damn tired and I did nothing today. I still haven’t showered. I keep meaning to and just don’t. I am ready to throw everything off my bed so I can change the sheets. I might do that tomorrow or later tonight. I still have a shit ton of recycling in my room. And I got to empty my wastebucket. I just don’t have the energy to do anything.

My left side of my body hurts. From my shoulder to my foot. My thigh hurts because of the T shot. My ankle/foot hurts because as I was grabbing a gallon of water an aluminum pan came flying and hit my ankle. The gallon must have been in the pan and I didn’t see it. I am so sore. My arm is still sore from yesterday’s PT. I got to put more heat on.