Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

a Friday before Red

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

A Friday before Red (TV)

I didn’t want to get up today but my mother called me to say she had low sugar and could I get her some juice. I rushed downstairs and got the juice for her. She was having lunch and I guess her sugar dropped. Once her sugar stabilized, I took a shower and shaved. I felt better after the shower but I was still tired. It’s kind of cold in my room and all I want to do is go under the covers and sleep.

Next week Red comes out and I cannot fricken wait. I will be listening to all of the 30 songs for the next few weeks. There are I think 10 new songs and extended version of “all too well”. I cannot wait to listen to that recreation.

My shoulder is really hurting today. Showering was difficult. I can’t lift my arm to reach my head to wash my hair and it kind of set off pain waves when I did. Then washing my body was hard. I don’t know how long it takes for this fracture to heal but holy hell, enough already. My bladder is bothering me today, too. I don’t know why. I’ve been emptying it every three hours because I had coffee so it hasn’t gotten full. I had two cups today because I didn’t want to take a nap in the afternoon.

I just had a bowl of cereal for my lunch. I don’t know what I am going to make for dinner. I might make the pot pie I bought. I kind of just want to have a turkey sub but I got no deli meat. I might have quiche that I bought. I don’t know what I will make. I hate being indecisive. Ugh.

eight days!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Eight days!

Eight days till Taylor Swift comes out with her version of RED. I pre ordered the album CD because I want to hold them and go over everything. I also want to play them on my CD player after I burn it to my phone. I cannot wait for this CD to hear new Taylor songs. I am really excited about this album.

I had a tiring day. I rested more today than I did yesterday. I woke up after 12 and then had my coffee. I also had a cup after dinner because I wanted to be awake for a few hours to write this blog. I have been in pain all day and for some reason my ribs hurt on my left side. I don’t know why they hurt. I caved and took a pain med when I tried to sleep and my arm said no.

I shaved my head today but I didn’t shower like I wanted to. I knew if I tried I was just going to exhaust myself because of the level of tired I am. Normally I would think the shower would wake me up but I tried that last week and I regretted it.

I’m listening to Taylor’s Speak Now album. I love this album too. I sent the blog I wrote last night to my therapist and all I got was a thank you for sharing. Nothing more. I am sure we will probably talk about it when I meet with her next week. I talked about Taylor in this blog too. I almost wrote about the song that is my therapist but I didn’t. Only because I knew she would be reading it.

I got up around 2 last night to pee and found the house freezing. Someone had turned the heat off. I turned it back up again as I didn’t want my mother to freeze. I stayed up for a little bit as I was pissed that my nephew lowered the heat. My foot flared up and it is still flared up from the aggravation. All day my toes have been painful. Dealing with pain every single day is just exhausting. I don’t know when my shoulder is going to get better. I know my CRPS ankle/foot is never going to be better. I find this difficult to cope with at times. Sometimes pain medication works and other times it does nothing because the pain is so severe. I know there will be a day that nothing will work but for now I have relief and I am grateful for that.

losing hopelessness

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria

Losing hopelessness

The past few months have been weird as my therapist has noticed that I am more future thinking than I was in the past. I attribute this to losing hopelessness. I don’t know when it happened. I started feeling less suicidal and wanting to move forward with my transition. It is unusual for me to think of future thinking such as having top surgery and doing what is required to get it done. I feel like I lost some of my suicidality. I just don’t see things as dark or dire anymore. I have noticed that my CRPS pain isn’t at the high levels it once was and maybe, because the chronic pain isn’t so bad, I have become more hopeful about the future.

It is a strange feeling to go from complete hopelessness to being hopeful in a few months. The depression seems more manageable than it was and so the psychache that I feel isn’t as great. I have gone from feeling suicidal on a daily basis to really only when my pain levels are at a 10 or above. The feelings of not being able to escape have gone away as well. For the first time in my life I feel I have a future. I want to lose weight so I can lose the things on my chest. I can picture myself doing this where it seemed impossible before. I can’t attribute this to one thing because I think it is a combination of things. One is the alliance of my therapist and psychiatrist, possible medication has eased the depression symptoms enough that I can see beyond the horizon and not feel like I am drowning so much. Also better pain control and accepting my physical dysfunctions are now a part of my life that is not going to go away anytime soon. I also think that having a community on social media has helped during the dark times because just when I am at my lowest there are people saying that I matter and that they are glad I am still here. Words like that help when you feel like scum of the earth for no reason or when the pain is so bad all you can think about is death.

I also think music has helped to ease the troubles I have faced. For months now, I have been listening to Taylor Swift’s albums, new and old. Her evermore and folklore songs have brought meaning to me as well as the extra songs in her Fearless (Taylor’s Version) album. To identify with lyrics is powerful and meaningful. The songs help to heal the traumas I have been through as well as heal from past relationships and deal with current ones. In her 1989 album, I found a song that I can relate to my current therapist with that helped to deal with our rocky relationship. This therapist has helped me to see things differently and also to come to the realization that I have serious depression. It is something that I always knew but never spoke aloud before. Working through the severity of the depression has been difficult. I think I have come to terms with it and thus the hopelessness it has given me doesn’t seem to strangle me like it once did.

a rest day that wasn’t restful

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A rest day that wasn’t restful

I had a shitty night of sleep. I kept waking up like every two hours with my shoulder hurting me, all because I checked to see if we needed juice. I had reached into the fridge with my sore arm and then lifted the gallon of juice. A bad idea as I was rewarded with pain in my shoulder that would continue all night. Around 0200 I got up and started writing and that helped. I went back to bed around 0400 and stayed asleep until 7. My baby sister’s birthday is today and she needed a wingman to help her with errands today so I got up around 8. I had my coffee and half a bagel. We then went into town for my sister to do her things. On the way home we stopped at the pharmacy so I could pick up my new blood pressure medicine. I asked questions about it as I don’t know much about it. It could make you drowsy so I was being aware if I was any more tired than I already was. I had tried to nap several times today but couldn’t.

I ordered my groceries last night as my mother needed somethings. They were an hour late so they waived the delivery fee. I then had anxiety bringing up all the groceries by myself. There is still four gallons of water in the front hallway that I am too tired to bring up. My sister said she will bring it up after work. I had to bring up the water with one arm as I couldn’t carry a gallon with my bad arm. It was a long process with many trips up and down the stairs. I got hot and sweaty and tired. I had to have a cup of coffee to try and stay awake for my sister’s party and for dinner. My sister is making raviolis.

All I wanted to do today was rest and I didn’t. I got a huge anxiety attack despite going up and down the stairs. I think it was because I was carrying something heavy and trying to keep my balance on the stairs. I also knew that I would be the one to do it all by myself and that overwhelmed me. My mother is coming around to the idea of getting a bubbler of water for the house so we don’t buy water anymore. It probably will be cheaper in the long run to have delivery service. The only question is where to put it.

My right knee still hurts from the fall. I meant to have my pcp take a look at it but I forgot. Maybe I can get the ortho doc to look at it when I see him Mon. I think it is just bruised as it only hurts when I kneel on it. I need to take a shower as I am really sweaty and feel icky from it. I also need to shave my head. I have decided I am going to grow my beard out for the month.

I had asked my therapist if I did the work on the hopelessness paper if she wanted to see it. She said yes. Fuck. Now I got to work on it. I am getting there as I have been thinking of what to write. I just hope I can pick up where I left off. That is always a hard thing to do.