somewhat good Friday

Somewhat good Friday

I did all that I had to do today. I went to my Starbucks to get my coffee and sat for a little while to write. Next thing I know, it’s time to leave for my appointment. I get there fifteen minutes early. It went well. The NP was really nice and set me up with a new PCP, which was about time. I see him in Dec. She said he is a good guy. I tend to be skeptical of this until I actually meet the person. My back was a little out of sync but I got to and fro okay. I went to the pharmacy to get my meds and there were no problems. I didn’t wait too long and they had vanilla pudding so I am plan on making my pumpkin fluff this weekend. I took out the cool whip that was in the freezer. I might also make the cake. We’ll see how the back goes.

My therapist called and she was bullshit I don’t see the CBT people until next month. She is still trying to see if I can see her on Monday. I was really appreciative that she called me on her day off to check in with me. I didn’t sleep too good last night and sent my psychiatrist an email, which she still hasn’t responded to. I might page her today, while it’s day light, to talk with her. I got so much going on and I don’t see her for another three weeks.

I kept thinking of wanting to kill myself today. I could have done it, if I had the bottle of pills with me. I don’t know if I would be able to walk to my destination but I would have tried. Now it’s just a guessing game as to when I will try. I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I am tired of being in pain every day and night. I am tired of losing sleep because of pain. I talked about that with the NP today and told her I sometimes had to take 6 pills a day to get relief. I am hoping when I see the doc in Dec he changes the order so I can have 2 more pills a day. Then I won’t be scrambling at the end of the month wondering what to do with my meds.

I’m very sleepy. I did a lot today on little sleep. I hope I don’t stay up all night again tonight. That will just be torture. Part of the reason I couldn’t go to sleep last night was because I was having PTSD symptoms. I had to keep reminding myself that the back pain I was experiencing wasn’t CES happening again. I had to take at least 2 ativans to calm down. It was really terrible.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

5 thoughts on “somewhat good Friday”

  1. Nights where are you can’t sleep are the absolute worst. I hope you manage to sleep good on Friday night. Glad you had a good Friday though. It’s good you got everything done.

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