Category: depression

Hot day with thunderstorms

It’s another hot day today and we had some thunderstorms and rain. It cleared up by 2pm though as I was walking to the station, it was starting to rain again.

My pcp’s RN called me today about the question I asked last night. I have been having some urinary pain and burning all week and I finished antibiotics today. There was an opening at the clinic so I was able to be seen and give another urine sample. I have been having urinary frequency today for some reason. I went an hour before I left the house and when I got to the clinic, I had to go again. The resident I saw suggested I cath after a void to see if I have retained any urine and referred me to urology. I made an appointment with the NP for July. I feel kind of down about this. I think I have been doing ok but  now I don’t know what is happening. I keep having symptoms. I just hope I don’t have to go back to cathing. I hated it.

I walked to the train station and then went to the pharmacy to get some ice cream and my meds. I just wanted some Ben and Jerry’s for dinner. I have food but don’t really feel like making anything. Sox are off today. I guess there isn’t a deductible for my meds this year as I have spent over $500 so far and there hasn’t been a cap. I really wasn’t planning on this. I just spent like $50 on my monthly meds. It adds up quickly and I still haven’t gotten my other blood pressure pill. That will be next week’s expense.

My room is hot and the ceiling fan isn’t doing much. I hate the heat. Yesterday I went food shopping for a few things and forgot to get eggs. I want to buy a steak so I might go to the butcher shop tomorrow. They sell eggs there too so I will pick some up. I didn’t like what I saw at the supermarket for steak selection and the last time I bought steak through peapod it wasn’t good.

I wanted to clear my bed off today but the doctor appointment side railed me. If I don’t go out tomorrow, I will try again. I might just throw stuff where ever. My sister gave me a box that has my high school graduation gown and middle school diploma. The diploma is on a plaque so there is some weight to the box. I have no idea where I will put it. Maybe under my bed. Hope it cools off tonight.

Sleep is elusive

I slept for about maybe three hours. I had a pleasant dream where I was going to meet my friend in Guatemala as she was doing a poetry reading in Maine. I was traveling to see her. I woke up and it was around midnight. I checked the score. We won! The game was tied when I went to sleep. I was listening on the app but my cousin called and it screwed up the timing. Game was playing but they had a commercial on the app and it was behind like half an inning. I turned it off and went to sleep.

I finished Norse Mythology. I love this book. I have read it three times so far. I think it is my favorite Neil Gaiman book. I guess now I will read Moby Dick. I read half of it a long while ago but never finished it. I am interested in it because Dr. Shneidman thought it had to do with suicide. I have yet to see any suicide other than the depression in the first chapter.

I read the message the therapist responded to. She said she wishes me well and that is all. I don’t know if I will get another therapist at this place. I haven’t really thought about getting a new one. I might message my psychiatrist and see what he says. I have been feeling ok for the most part. I am not in crisis or in a depression but my mood tends to dip around the middle of August and it can last a long while. I feel free from therapy.

I am tired. I am also hungry. McD doesn’t have their breakfast menu up yet. I want some sausage burritos and pancakes. I had taken some trazodone to sleep and it just doesn’t work for me. I need to shower. I sweated so much my sheets were wet. I don’t know why I sweat while I sleep. I am topless and I still sweated. Ugh. It has been warm so I haven’t worn a shirt. My chest still feels kind of sore. I am glad the surgeon said it was “normal”.

My cousin won’t be picking me up till around 2 so I hope I can sleep during the morning. I have a lot of unread messages in my inbox in my main email. I tried to sort through them but omg it is so boring. I hope after I had something to eat, I can fall asleep. Might need some Ativan to do it. Birds are fucking chirping right now. My niece told me of an app to identify birds. All this time I thought it was a cardinal and it is an American robin, according to the app. My apologies to cardinals as I was cursing them so much. It is still dark out so I don’t get why the fuck they are chirping. Daylight hasn’t broken through yet. Every fricken morning they chirp, sometimes as early as 0330. It’s 0430 right now.

Boring Tuesday

It’s 75 degrees in Boston today. I am topless. I plan on showering sometime today. I need to clear my bed off. Ugh. I hate that it takes me days to do and then it takes a few minutes to change the bedding and put on clean sheets.

My therapist ended our therapist. She said that I no longer want to continue with treatment. I do but not with her. She said she was going to let my psychiatrist know this. I don’t fucking care. The guy sees me every two months so what the hell does he know about my life? We talk maybe 15 minutes and he says we go for 30 min. it’s a scam. I am hoping being out of therapy helps somewhat. I don’t know how long I will be out of therapy. My depression isn’t really bad and things are going some what ok right now. I know when the fall starts and school anxiety kicks in it will be a challenge.

I slept late today. It wasn’t intentional. I was hoping to be up around 10 and ended up waking up around 12. Oh well. I made some stuff to eat. I made a pasta salad. It was good. I am still kind of hungry but I don’t know what I want to eat. My cousin will be taking me to the grocery store tomorrow. I need to get a few things.

It’s Monday again

I had therapy today and about an hour or so after we ended session, I sent a message saying I quit. It just isn’t worth it to me anymore. I barely talked. I had no idea what to talk about. I am done with her. If she responds, I am going to ask for another therapist. She just isn’t right for me.

I have been dealing with allergies most of the day. I have a knot of phlegm at the back of my throat that won’t go down and can’t cough up. I keep coughing and my nose is running. No matter how many times I blow my nose, I am still congested. I fucking hate this season and wish it was fall already. (I would love to skip summer all together).

I started clearing my bed off. I started with one side and will do the other side tomorrow. I need to go to the grocery store. I need more half and half and some turkey breast. I’d love a turkey sandwich. I am still feeling low. I have no energy. I made a beef pot pie for lunch. I had chocolate pie for breakfast. It was so yummy. I only had one cup of coffee. I brushed my teeth but I haven’t shaved my head yet. I plan on doing that soon. I might shower, too. I have had back cramps so am waiting for them to calm down before doing what I need to do.

A friend had posted on Facebook a recipe with cabbage and carrots. I am thinking of making it but I need to know if they sell cabbage already shredded. I am not good at shredding stuff, unless I use a food processor. But I did that one time for a chicken recipe and it obliterated the chicken to dust so I don’t want to do that again.

I somehow managed to aggravate a stomach muscle. It cramped in a big way. Fucking hate this. I am going to shave my head before I get too lazy. Until tomorrow folks.