Category: depression

Four appointments down, four to go

I woke up early this morning. I don’t know what time it was because I didn’t look at my phone. It was before my sister got up and a little after daylight started to filter in. I didn’t get up. I was hoping to fall back asleep before my niece called me but that didn’t happen. My aunt came over a little after my niece left. I was watching my mother. She just took her morning meds. Lately she hasn’t been wanting to take them. I don’t blame her. But she has to take them.

Around 1330 I left the house. I went to PT. It was good. My thigh is all knotted and it is the reason why my knee hurts. I got to work out the knots. Then I had my appointment with my pcp. We discussed going on pain meds. She said she is open to it but needs to talk to my psychiatrist for some reason. She explained why they took me off the opiates while I was in the hospital but I didn’t hear all of it. I guess since I was out of it and wasn’t complaining of pain, they just stopped it. Now I got to go through hoops to get back on it. Not at the dose I was on, just a pill at night so I can get some relief for my ankle/foot. My pcp wants my PT to look at it at my next appointment to see if PT can help with the pain. I have been down this road before with this. Not going to happen. I see her in two weeks, the day I am to have my drains and stitches out.

After my pcp appointment, I walked home to use the bathroom. As I was leaving the house again to go into town, my bro in law was pulling out of the driveway and asked if I wanted a ride. I said sure. He drove me to the station. The mammogram went ok but I am so glad I never have to have one again. It was a long train ride home. The train I got on wasn’t going the normal speed I am accustomed to so I thought I missed my stop. I didn’t thank god. I was pretty tired and all I wanted to do was go home. Luckily, the bus was at the station so I didn’t have to wait too long.

I came and I am exhausted. I don’t have the mental energy to read Adler tonight. I still haven’t finished the vain chapter. Maybe tomorrow night. I might be just as exhausted because I have to take the train to my appointment. It is outside of Boston. I know the train will be slow because they have reduced speeds due to track problems. But that is tomorrow’s adventure. I am going to listen to Taylor’s Fearless TV album and chill.

Didn’t think I would write

Didn’t think I would write today but decided to. I am feeling anxious. My surgeon’s office called twice today. Once to tell me not to take aspirin or NSAIDs from now until next week. I hope my knee doesn’t flare up. The second phone call was to see if I had a mammogram. I haven’t so I need to get one tomorrow evening. That makes three appointments for tomorrow. Ugh. I am just glad I was able to get an appointment this week.

I had therapy this morning. It went ok. She wanted to know how I am going to handle the stress of the week. I said I would be using take a step back and the DBT skill STOP. I also will be using music and probably showering more. I plan on taking a shower before bed tonight as I stink. I just sweat so much when I sleep. I really hope the sweat doesn’t cause an infection when I have my surgery.

I started off this morning getting misgendered by my mother and aunt. My aunt always talks it off as being old and I am like that is bullshit. It is just an excuse and it pisses me off. Then while I was in therapy, the other aunt came over and they started yelling. Over nothing as usual. I can’t stand them. I had started feeling a little dysphoria yesterday about the things on my chest. I want to shower but I don’t want to look down on my chest. Just sucks. I know they aren’t going to be with me for too much longer.

I finally brushed my teeth today after missing for two days. I was so glad I did it. Now if I can shower, that will really make me happy. I was able to shower. I just ran downstairs and did it really quick. I am so tired now. I was going to read my book but I don’t think I can concentrate. I just want to listen to Taylor and relax. I have a big day tomorrow.

I am feeling down. Chest feels heavy with the things on it. 8 days till they come off. I am so looking forward to it. I hate looking at them so much. I have thick chest hair so it really fucks with me.

I’ve been tired most of the day. I was up again last night. I didn’t take the trazodone because I didn’t think I would need it. I went to bed after 10pm. and was reading a wicked boring chapter on being vain in the Adler book. It was going around in circles, and when I saw there were 20 more pages, I just marked a paragraph and called it a night. I was getting tired anyways.

My mother was having a somewhat rough day. She has some pressure sores on her ankles. The nurse came today and said she needs to elevate them or they may burst. Something to keep an eye on.

I am having anxiety just looking at my schedule for the week. I still need to get the counter space for my needs so I am not reaching over my head while I am recovering from surgery. My sister bought food and froze it so now there is no room for my stuff. I am not happy about this. I wanted to buy some frozen dinners but now I can’t.

I guess I can plan on buying take out food. My niece has a place to order papusas. They are so frigging good. I just know I need to eat a lot of protein to help healing. I got chicken breast so that is good protein. I just don’t know what to make for my mother because her tastes have been disappearing and she doesn’t eat that much anymore. But she is still eating so that is a good thing.