Category: depression

Graduated PT and other things

I have graduated from PT yesterday. I progressed very well since first going back in Dec. I am so happy. I feel so much stronger and I hope surgery doesn’t kick my butt. I came home and my aunt was over the house. I needed another cup of coffee so I made it. As I was drinking it, my aunt said she was going to leave. My mother didn’t want her to go but then said goodbye. She said that she would be okay as her son was here. No corrections made. She said it. This is the second time in the last few weeks. I feel so euphoric about it. She finally has accepted me as her son and I thought it never would happen.

I got bad news a couple of hours later. My BFFL’s mother passed away. I feel so sad and because it is Friday, I may not be able to attend the wake/funeral because I will be post op and have drains and stuff. I feel horrible about this. I also feel so damn sad. She was like my second mother growing up. Always there. She was a good woman. One of the best. I will miss her dearly.

I swear Love Story will never get old for me. I absolutely love this song so much. I would love to see it live though. I saw Taylor’s mirrorball performance on YouTube and, omg, she was awesome. If I ever get $800 or more for tickets, I will be sure to see her.

Trazodone doesn’t work for me. I am still waking up in the middle of the night after sleeping for a few hours. I don’t really know how many hours I am sleeping. I think it is around 4 or 5 hours and then I wake up. I just sent a message to my psychiatrist about this. I see him a couple days after surgery. I hope that I will be alert enough to have a conversation and not be in too much discomfort. Still can’t believe four months have passed.

I went downstairs to pee and all the lights were on. My mother was in the bathroom and she was moaning and congested. We gave her some stuff to dry up the fluids and try and get her breathing under control. My sister said that if we can’t get it under control, she will basically drown in her own fluids. No one deserves to die like that. I feel so fucking sad. I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I don’t know why I have such a hard time crying. The last time I cried was when I was in the hospital and I was feeling so dysphoric because my surgery was postponed. I was so distraught and the idea of not having top surgery really upset me. I guess I need strong emotions and I just am not feeling that. I don’t know why. It bothers me so much. I know I would feel better if I cry. I just can’t. It really sucks.

College stuff and other things

I was supposed to have my advising appointment this morning but the lady never showed up. I waited twenty minutes for her and nothing. I didn’t even get an apology or anything. I am so mad. I had to reschedule for April, after my surgery because there is still a hold on my account and has to be taken off by an advisor. I know what classes I am taking. I already picked them out. One is online. The rest are in class. I am going to try for three classes. I hope I will be able to do it. I also sent another email to the registrar to see if they can change my log in to something other than my dead name. I explained that it is no longer a legal name. I hope that helps some.

I then had some coffee and something to eat. My aunt came over so I made her coffee, too. We talked for a little while and then I got dressed to see my barber. I needed to get my haircut before surgery. I was sad the learn that someone broke into my barber’s shop and stole some things. I feel bad. After I got my haircut, I got some pizza and Starbucks. My barber and I had lunch together as I just missed the bus.

I came home an hour before my grocery delivery was to arrive. I checked my email as my mother was in bed and my other aunt was over. I still need to take a shower. I think I am going to take it before bed. I am still wicked anxious. I didn’t sleep well despite taking the trazodone. It didn’t help me sleep like I wanted it too. I was up around 330 again. My leg and foot were so itchy from being dry. I scratched them pretty good, took the skin off. Ouch. I sort of snoozed until my med alarm went off. I didn’t get up but did when my alarm for the zoom appointment went off. I didn’t want to get up.

I have one more appointment for tomorrow and that is it. Then I need to clear off my bed and change my sheets. Debating to do this Sunday so that the stupid foam will stay in place a little longer. Fucking thing isn’t supposed to move yet it does. Half of it hangs off the bed and takes the sheet with it. I sleep on one side of the bed so it doesn’t really matter but it bothers me that my bed can’t stay together for more than a week or two.

Eye appointment and other things

My niece had to go to the dentist this morning so I had mom duty. She did ok until her side started bothering her. I felt bad.

Around 1130 I started to get ready for my appointment. I had to take the bus to the station and the trains were not going their normal speeds. I should have left later but you never know what will happen on the green line so I left when I did. I was an hour early for my appointment. I looked around the store at the different frames. I really didn’t want to get a new frame but it wasn’t going to cost me anything so I looked. I found one that looked good. I had my appointment. My vision didn’t change that much in a year, which was good. I paid for the exam and the new glasses with transition lenses. It didn’t cost me as much as it did last year.

Then I went home. I snoozed most of the way home. I was tired. My knee was flaring up and I want so bad to take some ibuprofen but I can’t because I am so close to my surgery. All I can take is Tylenol. I want to cry. I am in some pain.

Game is on tonight so I will listen to it. I have been following the games all week but haven’t had time to listen because I have been taking care of my mother. I have two appointments tomorrow but they shouldn’t be too stressful. I have my advising appointment. I just got to have it so I can register for classes for the fall. I think I am going to take college algebra and Italian 102, if I can. Sometimes they won’t let you take a language 102 unless it is the semester after you take 101. It has been years since I took 101. I got a B in it so I passed. My friend told me about Duolingo so I plan on practice with it so I can remember how to speak it and get used to the language again.

I am really tired so I don’t know if I am going to listen to the entire game. I am gonna try though!!