Category: depression

Therapy and a slight scare

I woke up early, like 6am early. I had to pee and I just decided to stay up. I had a cup of coffee around 830 and then went to my room to set up zoom for advising. I had to register with my google email through my UMB email. It was so stupid. I finally got it going and logged on. I met a new professor in the psych department. She cleared my hold and I canceled the other person’s advising appointment.

I then had therapy. It went okay. I talked about my anxieties and sadness. I told her it has been a few weeks now that I have been feeling sad and she said it was ok to feel that way. That my feelings, whatever they were, were valid. I just wasn’t to act on them.

My cousins and aunts came over around the same time. We had lunch on them. It was a good outing though I was in a kind of stupor. I was sitting next to the drama aunt and had to listen to all the fricken stories all over again. My niece made fun of me but I didn’t care. I really just wanted to be in my room and try and nap. I was so damn tired but I already had like three cups of coffee and didn’t want to have anymore for fear of getting anxious. Around 1330, I received a call from the surgeon’s office saying that they needed more imaging done on my breast and could I come in at 1500. I said yes. I quickly got dressed as I wanted to leave around 2 so I could be there. I said my goodbyes and left.

I was worried about this so when I got to the bus stop, I looked in my chart and there was the mammogram report, finally. It said there was a mass in my left breast and needed more imaging. I was freaking out. I had no idea if this would delay my surgery or not. I didn’t know if this was malignant or not. I didn’t tell anyone but my online friends. My sisters had enough to worry about with my mother. I had the imaging done and it turned out to be lymph nodes. I guess mine had formed a mass in my breast. Well bye bye. Surgeon’s office called while I was on the train home and after I said it was okay, she said my time had been moved to the afternoon. I now didn’t have to be at the hospital till 1100 for a 1300 case, which means I won’t be home till 8 pm or later.

When I got to the Square, I picked up my prescriptions. I was really starting to get tired. I still need to shower but I think I will do that tomorrow morning. I also have to shave. I hope that I don’t fucking wake up in the middle of the night again. I need to sleep. I hope my nerves don’t keep me up tonight. I can’t have anything to eat or drink after 10pm. Not having my morning coffee is going to be rough.

Preparing for the big day

I woke up this morning and thought about what I wanted to do. I decided to change and wash my sheets. I also put things I might need within my reach so that they are accessible. I have my wedge pillow out on my bed and my reacher and new back scratcher as I couldn’t find the one that I had. I had three cups of coffee today. I had to make two calls to the pharmacy to get my meds done. Fucking a. The third one is from Friday and still hasn’t been filled yet. I will go tomorrow to pick them up.

Tomorrow morning I plan on going to the psychology department advising on zoom to get my hold taken off. I can then register for classes next week when registration begins. I have therapy tomorrow too, which is good because I really need to talk about my anxieties, not only with the surgery but with my mother’s illness as well. She isn’t doing too good and we are trying our best to keep her symptoms down.

I had dinner with my family. My sister made lazy man lasagna. It was good. She also made fried zucchini and eggplant. I had some. I love it.

I have been sad the past few weeks. I am going to ask my therapist if this indicates that I am depressed or just sad. I don’t feel suicidal. I am just really down. I haven’t been able to listen to Taylor Swift in a couple of days. I just am not interested in listening to music right now. I know it would probably help distract me but I just don’t feel like it.

It has been a difficult day. I woke up at 3am and around 5 when I went to the bathroom, my sisters and mother were up. She was in the bathroom. Then she had a coughing fit where she was coughing up phlegm. She was struggling to breathe. We kept giving her stuff to ease things. My sister said that if we can’t get the congestion under control, the end may be nearer. I’ve been sad all day.

Graduated PT and other things

I have graduated from PT yesterday. I progressed very well since first going back in Dec. I am so happy. I feel so much stronger and I hope surgery doesn’t kick my butt. I came home and my aunt was over the house. I needed another cup of coffee so I made it. As I was drinking it, my aunt said she was going to leave. My mother didn’t want her to go but then said goodbye. She said that she would be okay as her son was here. No corrections made. She said it. This is the second time in the last few weeks. I feel so euphoric about it. She finally has accepted me as her son and I thought it never would happen.

I got bad news a couple of hours later. My BFFL’s mother passed away. I feel so sad and because it is Friday, I may not be able to attend the wake/funeral because I will be post op and have drains and stuff. I feel horrible about this. I also feel so damn sad. She was like my second mother growing up. Always there. She was a good woman. One of the best. I will miss her dearly.

I swear Love Story will never get old for me. I absolutely love this song so much. I would love to see it live though. I saw Taylor’s mirrorball performance on YouTube and, omg, she was awesome. If I ever get $800 or more for tickets, I will be sure to see her.

Trazodone doesn’t work for me. I am still waking up in the middle of the night after sleeping for a few hours. I don’t really know how many hours I am sleeping. I think it is around 4 or 5 hours and then I wake up. I just sent a message to my psychiatrist about this. I see him a couple days after surgery. I hope that I will be alert enough to have a conversation and not be in too much discomfort. Still can’t believe four months have passed.

I went downstairs to pee and all the lights were on. My mother was in the bathroom and she was moaning and congested. We gave her some stuff to dry up the fluids and try and get her breathing under control. My sister said that if we can’t get it under control, she will basically drown in her own fluids. No one deserves to die like that. I feel so fucking sad. I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I don’t know why I have such a hard time crying. The last time I cried was when I was in the hospital and I was feeling so dysphoric because my surgery was postponed. I was so distraught and the idea of not having top surgery really upset me. I guess I need strong emotions and I just am not feeling that. I don’t know why. It bothers me so much. I know I would feel better if I cry. I just can’t. It really sucks.