So this is the 18th month that my peroneous muscle has been swollen and no doctor can give me a reason why or make the swelling go down. Tonight I was hit with self harming urges to filet open the swollen part but before I acted I decided to page my psychiatrist. It has been 5 hrs and I still have not heard from her but the urges have subsided for now. I think it is part of my delusional self that I think the root of my problems lies in this swollen tissue. If I just remove it, maybe I won’t be in so much pain. I want to write an email to my doc and clinically explain the significance of opening the tissues so they can breath and maybe the bad part will come out and the swelling will finally go down. I also have swollen ankles but these are easy to ice and elevate and when I do the swelling does go down. For my leg inflammation, I have yet to find “the” ice cube to decrease it nor the right elevation level to make it go down. According to my MRI it is interstitial swelling so only if I cut will the swelling become decreased, least in my mind. The voices have been on my side and been trying to cheer me on but fear of cutting and not being able to control the bleeding is the only reason I have yet to perform this operation. I do not know how to sew myself back up once I cut and if I do need stitches, I will have to ask a family member to take me to the hospital which will not be fun. I hate going to the hospital to get stitched up. It always leads to a psych eval that is pointless. Most of the time they just want to know that you did not do this to kill yourself and that you will not do it again. I am the master of this type of talking as I have been there on many occassions.
Another reason I have not done it is because it will be hard to hide. It is summer time and I have absolutely no intention of wearing jeans or long pants as I will melt. Heat and my nerve condition do not go together.
So I have a nice lump on my leg that is like a boil on my neck festering away and I cannot lance it as much as I would LOVE to…
Tag: chronic pain
Stalker gone
So with my perception blog, I added it to my other blog and called it my last. I had a stalker on the other one and it crept me out that she was following what I was saying and needed my imput after every comment she posted. I don’t need that type of harrassment. I want to be able to write what I want and not worry about the content. I know my writing is pretty dark but being suicidal isn’t a life full of being in a rose garden, seeing things through rose colored glasses. It is about being in a dark place and my blog is my place to vent out my inner most thoughts of the darkest corners of my mind. It is the abyss that I fall into that drives my writing and sadly if I’m not in it I cannot write about it. If I don’t feel, I just cannot write. It is very rare that I write about happy stuff because it is too far and in between. I tend not to trust it because I know I will be deeper in the abyss than I was the last time I was in it.
My doctor yesterday told me to lose weight so tonight instead of eating something I had a slim fast shake because I was hungry. I think my days are messed up because I don’t eat regularly through out the day and I might just have one meal a day. Sometimes it is because I am too lazy to cook. Other times it is because I don’t know what I want. But I am going to try the shakes and see if I lose weight and am able to keep it off. I know I have gained weight over the past few months but being inactive will do that. I would love to walk but it causes me too much pain. I have a nice lump on my leg right now telling me I did too much today though I hardly did anything worthy of it swelling. I spend most of my time cooped up in my room because it’s cooler than the rest of the house. I will be the first to admit I am a lazy bastard but when you have chronic pain, there really is no way of being an active bastard. I wish I was working or was able to do volunteer work. I just don’t know. I’m not that much of an out going person.
Tomorrow I have an appt with my therapist that I hope I can keep. I truly cannot wait to talk with her as I have some stuff on my mind I need to get off my chest. Like am I truly a nothing? Lately I just feel like one. I feel that all I do doesn’t matter to anyone and people can care less about me. I don’t know why I feel this way but I do.
Meds are finally kicking in now so I think I will sign off for now. Such a relief for the pain meds to stop the crushing pains I feel every night.
Another page turned
I have been thinking what to call my next blog and what to write but nothing has been coming so decided to just write whatever comes to mind. I’m still in a mini mental health war with my primary over my pain medications. I am really steamed for if I was to try and take my life with them I would have done so before now. I don’t know aside from me having a husband what the discharge summary says about my last admission but it appears to have rattled my pcp, whom I have known for years, who has been prescribing me my meds for years. But now that I’m not working, he is worried and for no good reason. I have told him that if I plan on taking my life it will be via asphixiation (suffocating) myself with either a rope around my neck or a plastic bag over my head. I am done with the uncertainty of trying to overdose on pills as many have stated, it is difficult to kill the human body. I have overdosed quite a few times and though unpleasant, the result is that I am still alive. So I go through his motions of complicity but after one more time of the complicity I will tell him this is stupid…going to him every 2 wks is not helping me nor is it helping him other than getting to know me more often. I don’t know…maybe the rules changed while I was inpatient and every mental health patient who has chronic pain has to go through this ordeal to be “safe” but if that were the case why hasn’t my therapist or psychiatrist dropped him a note saying THEY are concerned and that I should be closely monitored. I think I will have my therapist talk to him and see if there can be an understanding. Yes I love my doc. Yes I need my meds but being harrassed over them because I have mental illness and suicidal tendencies is just not fair. If I had expressed to my doc that I am not safe that would be a different matter. As it is, I’m more afraid of the tylenol content than I am of the narcotic!!! And besides, if I was going to overdose, i’d just as simply take the biggest bottle of tylenol at walgreens or Target to kill myself and my liver.
So my frustration is high because I’m dealing with a professional that is clueless on mental illness. If I didn’t need these drugs I would just say fuck you, you just signed my death certificate and walk away from him but he is still giving me what I need but at a very costly price when I have no income for the co pay or the 2 wk supply of meds…
Ankle Chronicles
Normally we think of ankle biters as little kids that cling to your legs as you go walking around the house. No, the one that I am talking about is something that is more painful than that. It is called nerve pain that keeps you up for hours on end. It is this physical, stabbing, crushing, jolting pain that tears at my ankle and foot each night. Sadly the only cure for it is rest as the reason for it is because of repetitive movement of my ankle. Yes, walking, standing, going upstairs is a torture for me. It started more than a year ago. I think it started with a simple sprain ankle but with cauda equina syndrome, it is anything but simple. I slipped on the ice walking to work on an icy January morning and a month later, I was in excruciating pain that made me think of suicide nearly every day. I don’t remember too much but I shudder every time I think of being in pain that was constant. I was in pain twenty-four hours a day. Boots, braces, and splints didn’t help. The only thing that did was narcotic medication. Without these pills you might as well write my death certificate.
Sometimes ice can help and it is the AHHHH feeling like I didn’t realize it was “hot” and the ice cools it down, making it feel really good. Today I did too much walking and I am hurting really bad as standing is really causing me problems. I have gone up and down the stairs numerous times since coming home at 3 o’clock and probably will have to go down another few more times as I know I will need to empty my bladder. My bedroom is on the top floor while the bathroom is on the second. Kind of makes things difficult when you have a disability. If I had the money I would invest in the chair lifter stair thing you see advertised on TV for old people. I realize I am no longer young even though I am only in my mid thirties. I think being in pain ages you. I know that I didn’t feel old until all this pain started happening and it is a chronic reminder that I am no longer a healthy person.
So this ankle, my left, which we will call Lefty, is the current source of my discomfort more than my aching back at times and is the reason why I stated above that I need pain medications. Every test that has been done from Xrays to MRI’s have been negative for anything physically wrong with it, except for the swelling which no doctor can explain. They know that I have inflammation as what else would cause this swelling/edema. Yet despite taking an anti-inflammatory, a pretty strong one (ketoprofen), the swelling remains and does not go down unless I ice and elevate it. It sucks being cooped up all the time because only when I am off it do I get relief.
midnightdemons7 
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