Trauma and memories
Trigger warning: childhood sexual abuse
Monday I had therapy. We talked about stuff and somehow got on to talking about my mother. We didn’t discuss what I was thinking about but I could have sworn my therapist mentioned rape and it all sort of clicked. My mother raped me a few times during my childhood. I won’t go into specific details because this is just triggering for me. There is a lot to talk about during next session. I am glad it is next week. I don’t think I can handle another session of this caliber. To say I hate my mother is an understatement. I haven’t been talking to her the past few days. I’ve just been ignoring her.
I have been in a funk since this realization. I got so many feelings about it, mostly shame and guilt. I don’t know why I feel guilty as I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I guess the depression just loves to throw that in whenever you are down just because. I also been feeling disgusted whenever I am around my mother. The price of having to live with her.
I had therapy today and we talked more about the abuse my mother put me through. I talked in detail about what she did to me. Not all at once. Just in pieces. My mother had this thing of looking at me after I showered. She paid particular attention to my genitals. One day she saw that my labia was long. This concerned her. She forced me to be examined by her. Then she took me to the doctors to be examined by them. Nothing was wrong with me. Just like there was nothing wrong with my breasts when she examined me then took me to the doctor then to a surgeon at the age of 13. This was because one boob was bigger than the other. She has always done her exams out of “concern”. Guess putting things in my vagina was out of the same concern. She had this weird idea that my vagina was closing and she was determined to keep it open. I was 3 when this happened. I only knew about it because I got my pedi records. It still burns me that my pediatrician didn’t think there was anything wrong with this. My mother was always interested in my genitals and then when I developed breasts, my breasts. She was always looking for ways to touch them.
I feel disgusted about this and sick to my stomach. I feel like an asshole. I don’t want to feel like this but I guess it goes with the territory. I still find it hard to have these feelings and be around her and act like nothing is wrong. I have to stuff the feelings down because I have no where to express it, except to my therapist but getting it out is so hard. I don’t know what I am feeling all the time other than shame and disgust. I am hurt because I was violated by someone that was supposed to care and protect me.
The abuse happened throughout my life until I was 15. That is when we really came to blows and I suffered from a deep depression that made me angry at her for not getting me the help I needed sooner. She was of the mind that all I needed to do was talk to her because she was my mother. But I had so much hate towards her for everything she did to me that she was the last person I would go to for help and support. Even today, I am not likely to talk to her about anything regarding my mental health issues. She lost me when I was a teenager and I don’t think she will ever get me back. What she did was hurtful and traumatic. I am glad I am talking about it now even though it is really painful to.