Tag: suicide attempt

frustrated, why yes I am!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Feeling really frustrated. I didn’t get my Long Term disability approved today as they still need more information which means I won’t have any money for the next four weeks. I am also frustrated because I am down to my last few tablets of pain meds because apparently I have been in more pain this week causing me to use what I had. Now I have a few to carry me till Monday because my PCP thinks I am an overdose risk because of my mental illness. My safety with my narcotics have never been an issue and both my psychiatrist and therapist can vouch that I have found more lethal methods of killing myself than overdosing. I am just so damn aggravated that I have to be swimming in pain and then just when I think I am going to get relief my PCP decides I have to stay on the boat and I can’t come to shore. I have to continue to suffer this game of his, not mine. I understand the risks involved but withholding pain meds to a chronic pain patient just doesn’t make sense to me especially when that pain makes me want to kill myself. I have not thought of killing myself since this regimen but then my mood has been alleviated somewhat. The reason for this I am not sure other than I just can’t stop and think of how shitty my life truly is at the moment because if I stop and do think, I might be back in the abyss faster than David Copperfield disappeared the statue of liberty.

I am so tired of fighting for everything. I fight to stay alive when I don’t know why, I struggle just to make ends meet and I struggle just to make it through the day without causing harm to myself.  And now I have to struggle to deal with my pain meds when before I was given them freely. I have not and will not harm myself with these drugs. The rope I have in my room will suffice. Or the many plastic bags I have in my house will do. I just have to concoct some brilliant plan that doesn’t allow my family to find me, find some location off and hide myself with my ID so they do not have to have that awful experience.

I see my doc on Monday and I hope that I can hold out until then. I have had to use more pain meds because I have been in more pain lately. I don’t know why. Sometimes I have pain while going about my business and other times like today I am hurting really bad and all I want to do is cry. My back and leg is giving me the Nth degree of pain and I don’t know what hurts more. I got someone stabbing me in the back and my ankle is exploding in nerve pain. I think me adding neurontin might have helped me sleeping better.  I just don’t know what combo will work one night and what will work the next. It so fricken sucks not knowing and no doctor can say just why this is. They just have their own ideas on what will work and what will not but even then it is a trial and error game.  It’s like with my trials of antidepressants. I have been on ALL of them. I can run off the list but that will be pointless because I am sure that most of you will say yes I have had success with this one or that one. I currently have had some success with Cymbalta but it is expensive and when my insurance runs out I am not sure I can continue to take it. Then we have all the mood stabilizers and surprisingly, I have not been back on one since Jan of this year. I think that I might go back to it but not right now. I have not been having the ups and downs of life just mostly really, really, really DOWNS. Twenty years ago I probably would have been committed to a hospital as I have been in and out of the hospital since I was sixteen.

I have been having a harder time. This has been since I found out my father’s liver cancer has spread to the good part of his liver. He is now facing radiation treatment. I guess you can say that he is having his due for the cruelty he brought to my sisters and mother, though he will deny it, saying he was a “good father” and that he was “just joking”. I am sure that he was “joking” when he told me to jump off the bridge when he found out I was suicidal. That was a painful night when he came to my room. I was sure that he wanted me to stab myself with the huge knife that was hanging outside my bedroom door but no, he said if I wanted to kill myself, to go jump off the bridge. I guess I finally got “permission” to end my life. My life is obviously worthless to him. That is why when people tell me I matter I do not believe them. How can I when my father told me how to kill myself?  Here’s a clue dad, it is not a joke what you told me. I took it to heart just like when you called me a liar and said that I was nothing. I am nothing. I am worthless, my life does not have any meaning. How could it?

pain as a midnight demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

feb 15,2011

It’s 3:30 and I can’t sleep. I have been trying to go to sleep for the past 2 hours to no avail. The nerve pain in my left leg has started up and it feels like some one is pinching me.  Since my Godfather’s death last week, I have been in a weird state of mind where suicidal thoughts have been blunted.  Now that my physical pain has started up again, I am thinking of ending it.

For the past two weeks, my neck has been hurting. I finally made an appointment with my PCP and of course he is away until Wednesday. Never ceases to amaze me that whenever I need him the most he is away. I’m not sure if this neck pain is due to the car accident I had a few weeks ago or if it’s just because of stress.

 

I finally called the loan people. I have to pay more than I was expecting which means I’ll have to work more in the chem lab than I would like. I am so tired right now to working in that place and the thought of having to work extra days to afford the loans is just killing me. But I have no choice. It’s either I pay them the same amount or they garnish my wages that 15%. The nice thing about doing it this way is that after nine months I will be out of default and hopefully my credit will be better. I won’t be totally fucked.

 

I again had a phone session with Bozo because I was just too lazy to get out of bed. I don’t even remember what we talked about but she again reiterated what I was saying which totally annoyed me. We talked about my nephew for a little bit and his grandiose schemes, which I have to laugh because nobody seems to know what grandiose means. It’s funny how psych babble seems to enter my vocabulary without me even being aware of it. Hard to believe that 10 years ago I was lying in a hospital bed wondering if I’ll ever walk again. Around this time the staph infection, was making me very sick. And today I am able to walk but all I have left is this fricken pain that haunts me every night, causing me to lose sleep more than my depression ever could.

I am supposed to be off tomorrow. I hope that I sleep all day. I have not taken any Ativan tonight. But I just took 1200 mg of gabapentin to try and see if that controls this pain. I guess that is all I have to say for now.

Another page turned

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I have been thinking what to call my next blog and what to write but nothing has been coming so decided to just write whatever comes to mind. I’m still in a mini mental health war with my primary over my pain medications. I am really steamed for if I was to try and take my life with them I would have done so before now. I don’t know aside from me having a husband what the discharge summary says about my last admission but it appears to have rattled my pcp, whom I have known for years, who has been prescribing me my meds for years. But now that I’m not working, he is worried and for no good reason. I have told him that if I plan on taking my life it will be via asphixiation (suffocating) myself with either a rope around my neck or a plastic bag over my head. I am done with the uncertainty of trying to overdose on pills as many have stated, it is difficult to kill the human body. I have overdosed quite a few times and though unpleasant, the result is that I am still alive. So I go through his motions of complicity but after one more time of the complicity I will tell him this is stupid…going to him every 2 wks is not helping me nor is it helping him other than getting to know me more often. I don’t know…maybe the rules changed while I was inpatient and every mental health patient who has chronic pain has to go through this ordeal to be “safe” but if that were the case why hasn’t my therapist or psychiatrist dropped him a note saying THEY are concerned and that I should be closely monitored. I think I will have my therapist talk to him and see if there can be an understanding. Yes I love my doc. Yes I need my meds but being harrassed over them because I have mental illness and suicidal tendencies is just not fair. If I had expressed to my doc that I am not safe that would be a different matter. As it is, I’m more afraid of the tylenol content than I am of the narcotic!!! And besides, if I was going to overdose, i’d just as simply take the biggest bottle of tylenol at walgreens or Target to kill myself and my liver.
So my frustration is high because I’m dealing with a professional that is clueless on mental illness. If I didn’t need these drugs I would just say fuck you, you just signed my death certificate and walk away from him but he is still giving me what I need but at a very costly price when I have no income for the co pay or the 2 wk supply of meds…

Hospital

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I have been back to the psych hospital for the past few days. Today has not been a good day as I had some incontinence that has left me feeling so devastated all because I couldn’t get to the bathroom on time. My mood is so bleak. I just am constantly hounded by thoughts to end my life. My life is no longer worth living to me. It can’t be with all this misery and pain. I just want it to end. I want the psychache to stop. I just cannot live like this anymore. It is heartbreaking to continue to live when your chest is so heavy from burdens (real or imagined it doesn’t matter). You just wish you could stop breathing or make your heart stop beating. But it doesn’t work that way. I am so full of despair my eyes could pop out. Maybe that is what I could do…pop my eyes out to end my life but if I fail and end up blind that will be worse. It will be another failure. And that is what stops me from ending my life most of the time: FAILURE. I am afraid that is I fail and I live I will be worse off than I was. Nothing hurts more than a failed suicide attempt. Nothing!

You might be wondering what it’s like. It’s nothing like the cuckoo’s nest. You have checks, which is the adult babysitting system of the hospital. Then you have a check in or contact person you talk to during the course of his or her shift. Sometime you get a person that cares and will listen. Other times you get a real ass who doesn’t know shit but tried to play it off that they know everything. These kind I avoid.

During the week you have groups that you are supposed to attend but I rarely do. Most center around a therapy that I do not like and think it is bullshit. Or the group is some type of arts and crafts but I’m sorry, I am an adult not a five yr old. So I do adult things like read books or write in my journal, solitary things that no one can bother me with. I’m happy with that. The hospital takes the stress of self harm away that you don’t realize is there. It is the demon that keeps me awake at night and haunts my waking moments…