Tag: suicide ideation

frustrated, why yes I am!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Feeling really frustrated. I didn’t get my Long Term disability approved today as they still need more information which means I won’t have any money for the next four weeks. I am also frustrated because I am down to my last few tablets of pain meds because apparently I have been in more pain this week causing me to use what I had. Now I have a few to carry me till Monday because my PCP thinks I am an overdose risk because of my mental illness. My safety with my narcotics have never been an issue and both my psychiatrist and therapist can vouch that I have found more lethal methods of killing myself than overdosing. I am just so damn aggravated that I have to be swimming in pain and then just when I think I am going to get relief my PCP decides I have to stay on the boat and I can’t come to shore. I have to continue to suffer this game of his, not mine. I understand the risks involved but withholding pain meds to a chronic pain patient just doesn’t make sense to me especially when that pain makes me want to kill myself. I have not thought of killing myself since this regimen but then my mood has been alleviated somewhat. The reason for this I am not sure other than I just can’t stop and think of how shitty my life truly is at the moment because if I stop and do think, I might be back in the abyss faster than David Copperfield disappeared the statue of liberty.

I am so tired of fighting for everything. I fight to stay alive when I don’t know why, I struggle just to make ends meet and I struggle just to make it through the day without causing harm to myself.  And now I have to struggle to deal with my pain meds when before I was given them freely. I have not and will not harm myself with these drugs. The rope I have in my room will suffice. Or the many plastic bags I have in my house will do. I just have to concoct some brilliant plan that doesn’t allow my family to find me, find some location off and hide myself with my ID so they do not have to have that awful experience.

I see my doc on Monday and I hope that I can hold out until then. I have had to use more pain meds because I have been in more pain lately. I don’t know why. Sometimes I have pain while going about my business and other times like today I am hurting really bad and all I want to do is cry. My back and leg is giving me the Nth degree of pain and I don’t know what hurts more. I got someone stabbing me in the back and my ankle is exploding in nerve pain. I think me adding neurontin might have helped me sleeping better.  I just don’t know what combo will work one night and what will work the next. It so fricken sucks not knowing and no doctor can say just why this is. They just have their own ideas on what will work and what will not but even then it is a trial and error game.  It’s like with my trials of antidepressants. I have been on ALL of them. I can run off the list but that will be pointless because I am sure that most of you will say yes I have had success with this one or that one. I currently have had some success with Cymbalta but it is expensive and when my insurance runs out I am not sure I can continue to take it. Then we have all the mood stabilizers and surprisingly, I have not been back on one since Jan of this year. I think that I might go back to it but not right now. I have not been having the ups and downs of life just mostly really, really, really DOWNS. Twenty years ago I probably would have been committed to a hospital as I have been in and out of the hospital since I was sixteen.

I have been having a harder time. This has been since I found out my father’s liver cancer has spread to the good part of his liver. He is now facing radiation treatment. I guess you can say that he is having his due for the cruelty he brought to my sisters and mother, though he will deny it, saying he was a “good father” and that he was “just joking”. I am sure that he was “joking” when he told me to jump off the bridge when he found out I was suicidal. That was a painful night when he came to my room. I was sure that he wanted me to stab myself with the huge knife that was hanging outside my bedroom door but no, he said if I wanted to kill myself, to go jump off the bridge. I guess I finally got “permission” to end my life. My life is obviously worthless to him. That is why when people tell me I matter I do not believe them. How can I when my father told me how to kill myself?  Here’s a clue dad, it is not a joke what you told me. I took it to heart just like when you called me a liar and said that I was nothing. I am nothing. I am worthless, my life does not have any meaning. How could it?

crying wolf

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I feel like my suicidality at this point is a crying wolf phrase. No one seems to believe me when I tell them how much I am hurting but I do not utter the words Suicidal to them for fear of the cops showing up at my door. Instead I bitch on facebook on how much I am hurting and my melancholy is great and no one, not one of my 700 friends responds to it. So I found out tonight that my love wants to grow old with someone else and I am hurting really bad. I wrote my therapist a detailed letter saying that I want to overdose and gave her details of the plans. I kind of feel now that these words I wrote are like the diary of Dostoevsky. He writes in tangents and so do I…

I have written a detailed plan of my demise and yet cannot fathom my therapist doing anything about it when she does read it. I have sent her texts stating that I am at a very vulnerable state but it is after hours and she is off tomorrow so I might not get a response till Monday. Will it be too late by then? Should I call someone to talk to and say what….Wolf is at my door trying to kill me again? I have said this many times yet no one takes me seriously. Why should they now? I am so full of pain that I am not sure what to do. There are numbers I can call but who wants to speak with a stranger. There are friends I can call but who wants to bother them and cause them worry. So I sit in my room with my music reminding me of my pain and listen and try and think of something useful to write because otherwise I might act on my thoughts…

Ankle Chronicles

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Normally we think of ankle biters as little kids that cling to your legs as you go walking around the house. No, the one that I am talking about is something that is more painful than that. It is called nerve pain that keeps you up for hours on end. It is this physical, stabbing, crushing, jolting pain that tears at my ankle and foot each night. Sadly the only cure for it is rest as the reason for it is because of repetitive movement of my ankle. Yes, walking, standing, going upstairs is a torture for me. It started more than a year ago. I think it started with a simple sprain ankle but with cauda equina syndrome, it is anything but simple. I slipped on the ice walking to work on an icy January morning and a month later, I was in excruciating pain that made me think of suicide nearly every day. I don’t remember too much but I shudder every time I think of being in pain that was constant. I was in pain twenty-four hours a day. Boots, braces, and splints didn’t help. The only thing that did was narcotic medication. Without these pills you might as well write my death certificate.
Sometimes ice can help and it is the AHHHH feeling like I didn’t realize it was “hot” and the ice cools it down, making it feel really good. Today I did too much walking and I am hurting really bad as standing is really causing me problems. I have gone up and down the stairs numerous times since coming home at 3 o’clock and probably will have to go down another few more times as I know I will need to empty my bladder. My bedroom is on the top floor while the bathroom is on the second. Kind of makes things difficult when you have a disability. If I had the money I would invest in the chair lifter stair thing you see advertised on TV for old people. I realize I am no longer young even though I am only in my mid thirties. I think being in pain ages you. I know that I didn’t feel old until all this pain started happening and it is a chronic reminder that I am no longer a healthy person.
So this ankle, my left, which we will call Lefty, is the current source of my discomfort more than my aching back at times and is the reason why I stated above that I need pain medications. Every test that has been done from Xrays to MRI’s have been negative for anything physically wrong with it, except for the swelling which no doctor can explain. They know that I have inflammation as what else would cause this swelling/edema. Yet despite taking an anti-inflammatory, a pretty strong one (ketoprofen), the swelling remains and does not go down unless I ice and elevate it. It sucks being cooped up all the time because only when I am off it do I get relief.

Invisible disease

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Depression and chronic pain can be ckassified as an invisible disease because even if we tell people about it, and unless we look it, they are not going to believe we are in pain or are depression. Why? Because we look and act like everyone else, “normal”. We don’t act like a psychopath so therefore we are “ok” and should cheer up. I hate those 2 words. And it’s usually followed by “things could be worse”. I want to tell you if someone said that to me right now i’d deck them and tell them yea, I’m planning to kill myself so things are already worse ya moron!!
A friend of mine pissed me off, actually two did within the last 24 hrs. All for the same reason, they don’t think I’m a disabled person. I admit that I don’t like to be in that category but it’s taken me 9 months to come to the realization I will never be happy nor will I ever walk normally ever again.

I’m all ready so depressed I have had two hospitalizations in 3 months for psych. I’m constantly suicidal yet no one sees it or wants to hear about it. I try not to think about ending my life but it has become so automatic for me now soon as something bad happens it is the first thing I think about. I want to be dead because I simply do not find life worth living anymore. I’m so dead inside that I just wish my brain would turn off permanently. But that only happens like never. They say that is you meditate deep enough you can start to regulate your breathing and heart rate but it takes a lot of practice and patience. I don’t have time for that. My only objective would be to control it to stop it, which soon as I passed out adrenaline would kick in and I would start breathing and my heart rate would be back to normal again. Now putting a plastic bag over your head, that is something I’m toying with. A neighbor was found dead in the basement that way. It has been stuck in my mind for months now. And he was good too. He tied his hands up after placing the bag over his head. That is what I was planning to do with my hanging plan, place handcuffs on before jumping and strangling myself. I don’t know why I am writing about this but I am and I am sorry you are reading my deranged suicidal thoughts but this is who I am. My suicidal career has taught me a lot of things over the years and that is a good lethal plan is much better than a non lethal plan.
Speaking of which, my PCP is now scared that I might overdose on my pain medicine. I told him I am more worried about the tylenol content than the pain medicine ok. I don’t want to try and kill myself, fail, and then die a painful death because my liver fails on me. No thank you!! I then told him about the plastic bag. He still said that if I feel really blue and want to overdose to call him. He hears me soooo well. Here I am telling him I will die with a bag over my head and he still thinks I’m going to take pills. Wtf. And they wonder why the health care is so poor. Because doctor don’t listen to their patients. Hell least mine asks about my suicidality more than most doctors will. Some doctors are too afraid thinking the myth that if they ask they will be putting it in their patient’s head…

I guess I am done with my rant for now even though I know I went completely off topic with the title. But if my doctor was able to physically see my suicidality or my pain, I bet he would have no problems treating me and maybe he would have a little more compassion and empathy and possibly trust me when I tell him I’m not going to OD.