ramblings 4

My blog had quite a lot of views and comments yesterday which made me happy for a little while but I was in a deep funk and still am in a deep funk. I don’t know why but I should stop reading about suicidal stuff because it is giving me ideas. I know I already have them in my head but I keep thinking, if I am not suicidal, then should I kill myself? As the saying goes, you should NOT kill yourself when you ARE suicidal. Mostly that is because you are thinking irrationally. But if you have been thinking irrationally for so long, does it become rational at some point? That is where my thinking is heading. I tend to think about killing myself nearly every day. I have yet to act on it for various reasons. Usually it is an in the moment type of thing but lately I have been thinking of a plan and a date. I KNOW it is because of the time of year. Every late September/early October I get seriously depressed, more so than anything. Since 2005 I have planned my death every single year without fail. I don’t know what it is about this time of year that makes me want to kill myself. I know that baseball season is over and that saddens me to no end. I no longer see pitchers on the mound and balls and strikes being called. Right now it is Postseason but I know that baseball will truly end by mid-October. Around that time is when I always think of ending my life.

I don’t know why this time of year brings me to my knees. I just don’t feel like life is worth living anymore. It is a seasonal pattern but doesn’t fit the usual SAD (Season Affective Disorder) criteria (mostly because I have recurrent depression throughout the year anyways). If it did fit, I probably would not be so crazy this time of the year. I’d get a light box and be done with it. But this is something more. I call it the black dog as I show more signs of depression than at any other time of the year. I just feel so worthless and guilty that all I can do is think about my own demise. The physical symptoms I get is more psychological pain, lethargy, fatigue, loss of pleasure and loss of interest (also known as anhedonia), loss of appetite, crying for no reason, worthlessness, guilt, etc.

I don’t know what takes me out of the black dog. Sometimes it is just perseverance, sometimes it is just means extra support from my therapist and psychopharm. I also have the hospital when it gets too much to bear, but I only use that as the last resort. Some people would say that is not right but I have had over thirty hospitalizations over the past twenty years that I know when I need to be in and when I don’t.  Though there is some literature saying that the hospital is under-utilized for suicidal patients the same can be said that it is over utilized as most clinicians do not know how to treat suicidal clients. And that bothers the hell out of me because there is (going on my Jobes soapbox) there is an assessment form easy to use and is applicable to all modes of therapy called the Suicide Status Form (see Jobes, 2009). If more clinicians used this, there would be less hospitalization and suffering and possibly less suicides. Granted my therapist tries to use this during each suicidal crisis but I wave her off. Not because I am a hypocrite, but because it was my idea and not hers mostly. Could this save my life? Possibly but the thing that bothers me is that she only uses one piece of the form. If you are going to use the form, use the whole of it. It will make your notes easier and all you have to do is have each person sign it (it is a collaborative effort on both the client and clinician parts). I love this ingenious form but I hate it when it is not used properly. But then my therapist has known me for upteen years now so knows what information to get from me to get me away from my suicidal thinking. Another form that is NOT used at all that should is the psychache form by Richard Holden at Queen’s University in Canada. That I have used to monitor my psychache and even modified the form for my needs. Every journal I have has the psychache scale in it. I would reproduce it here but it’s not kosher and I don’t want to get in trouble with the web police for copyrighted information. Holden wrote the article in 2001 and it is printed in the Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science, 33(4), 224-232. I find Jobes and Holden to be the best suicidologists in the world because they have come up with assessments that are clinically useful and empirically validated.

In the thick of the Abyss

I don’t know why but the past few days have my mood going down and down instead of in the opposite direction despite the changes in my circumstance. I now know how Poe felt when he wrote I am wretched and know not why. “My feelings at this moment are pitiable indeed.  I am suffering under a depression of spirits much as I have never felt before.  I have struggled in vain against the influence of this melancholy-you will believe me when I say that am still miserable in spite of the great improvements in my circumstances.  I say you will believe me, and for this simple reason, that a man who is writing for effect does not write thus.  My heart is open before you if it be worth reading. Read it.  I am wretched and know not why.  Console me-for you can. But let it be quickly or it will be too late.  Write me immediately. Convince me that it is worth one’s while -that it is all necessary to live, and you will indeed prove yourself my friend.  Persuade me to do what is right. I do not mean this- I do not mean that you should consider what I now write a jest-oh pity me! For I feel that my words are incoherent- but I will recover myself.  You will not fail to see that I am suffering under a depression of spirits which will [not fail to] ruin me should it be long continued.” edgar allan poe

 I truly think that I am a bad person who just deserves evil things to come at me not good. I can’t understand why though. People say that I write good but I think it’s crap. I am supposed to have this editorial position but yet I don’t think I should have it despite the person who wants me to have this job thinks I should. I know she is a better judge of character. I just can’t see anything but darkness right now and for someone to tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, well let’s just hope they don’t because I know I will dope slap them. There is no light as far as I can see. Today is a dreary day and it should make me happy but instead it just eases my gloom because it’s how I feel. I started feeling down Sunday and it’s now Tuesday. I don’t see my mood changing. What is worse is that I had an impulse to put a rope around my neck this afternoon soon as I got home from forcing myself out. It quickly went away but the thought unsettled me. I guess it doesn’t help that I can do this at anytime, anywhere I choose. It won’t take much to do. I just need the guts to do it. I am going down this road and it is horribly painful. I had another incontinent episode today so that further brought me down. You would think I would be used to pissing my pants but I am not. Yesterday I got awarded being disabled and I can’t help but think that I am been demoralized because of it. I no longer feel like I have a right to anything, much less life. It is the price you pay with a damaged nerve and damaged mind. I can’t go back and change things but I can at least appreciate things more. I just hope I am fit enough for the task ahead with this writing that I am doing but I am not so sure.

Writing has always been something that I do to pass time and it has worked well. When I am not writing, I am deeper in the abyss. There have been studies on it but I can’t think of who the guys are right now. Not that it really matter to you, my reader. I have wondered always if I am too smart for my own good. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. I don’t know anymore. I just know my heart is broken and I don’t know what caused it to be this way. I am just so damn downhearted and it is just getting worse.

suicide paper, V1

“You will not fail to see that I am suffering under a depression of spirits which will [not fail to] ruin me should it be long continued” -Edgar Allan Poe {{Jamison, 1993 #18}.    

Depression, left untreated, eventually leads to suicide.  In the United States, suicide is the 11th leading cause of death, accounting for approximately 30,000 deaths with an age adjusted rate of 10.7 per 100,000 persons (Gaynes et al., 2004).  Most clinicians have seen suicidal patients throughout their careers.  Researchers have reported that professional psychologists has a 1:5 or 1:7 chance of losing a client to suicide; for psychologist trainees, a 1:6 ratio has been reported.  To date, there is no known formalized training program for beginning or experienced clinicians designed to teach suicide assessment skills, nor is there a recognized model for treating suicidal thoughts and feelings in a systematic way (Rosenberg, 1999).  Furthermore, the current literature fails to accurately define what it meant by “suicide ideation” or “suicide attempt”.  O’Carroll et al describes in their research how one clinician can say to the other that they have hospitalized a client due to suicide attempt.  The other clinician often wonders what that means.  Does that mean the client actively attempted deliberate self-harm warranting medical attention, attempted self-harm but did not warrant medical attention, or ideated a plan for an attempt and was intent on acting on that plan.  Eg pg 238 on senate asking the question and responding.  Reasons for intent, how many came to the hospital how many didn’t, how many died.  Basic terms are not uniform among clinicians (O’Carroll et al., 1996). 

David Rudd has provided a conceptual framework based on clinical summaries and assessment tasks consistent with existing standards of care but not dependent on psychotherapeutic orientation.  This framework is divided into three categories: practical skills, self-image, and interpersonal relationship (Rudd, 1998). 

One of the essential goals to achieve treatment success is to emphasize psychodynamic approaches to developmental issues and the therapeutic relationship.  A strong therapeutic alliance is essential to positive outcome treatment with a depressed client (Klein et al., 2003).

Several studies have noted a difference between single and multiple attempters (Joiner & Rudd, 2000; Joiner, Walker, Rudd, & Jobes, 1999; Rudd, Joiner, Jobes, & King, 1999; Walker, Joiner, & Rudd, 2001).  It has been postulated that previous suicide attempts sensitize one to subsequent suicide-related thoughts and behaviors.  These individuals with a history of multiple attempts display behavioral and cognitive styles distinct from those of non-multiple attempters. There is also evidence that crisis intensity is related to negative life events for non-multiple attempters but not for multiple attempters (Walker et al., 2001). These same authors have stated that clients fall into three types of groups when assessing suicidality: suicide ideators, single attempters, and multiple attempters (Joiner et al., 1999).

The difference between them is the elevated risk in multiple attempters because of type, chronicity, and severity of psychopathology.  The authors also go on to define seven domains of factors in assessing suicide risk.  These are:

1. Previous suicidal behavior

2. Nature of current suicidal symptoms

3. Precipitant stressors

4. General symptomatic presentation, including hopelessness

5. Impulsivity and self-control

6. Other dispositions (e.g. history of abuse, environmental factors, substance abuse, etc)

7. Protective factors (e.g. suicidal writing, social support)

A history of previous suicidal behavior is an important domain for risk assessment.

In addition to these domains, the authors have narrowed down two main factors to summarize suicidal symptomatology risk: “resolved plans and preparation” and “suicidal desire and ideation”.

     Resolved plans and preparation is defined as the following symptoms: a sense of courage to make and attempt, a sense of competence to make an attempt, availability of means to and opportunity for attempt, specificity of plan for attempt, preparations for attempt (seeking gun, pills, etc), duration of suicidal ideation, and intensity of suicidal ideation.  Their view is that if the client shows such symptoms, they are in pernicious, moderate risk.

     The suicidal desire and ideation factor defines the following symptoms: reasons for living, wish to die, frequency of ideation, wish not to live, passive attempt, desire for attempt, expectancy of attempt, lack of deterrents to attempt, and talk of death and/or suicide.  These symptoms are clinically noteworthy but are considered minimal risk, unless the client has had previous suicidal attempts (Joiner et al., 1999).

References:

Gaynes, N. B., West, S. L., Ford, C. A., Frame, P. S., Klein, J., & Lohr, K. (2004). Screening for suicide risk in adults: A summary of the evidence for the United States preventative services task force. Annuals of Internal Medicine, 140(10), 822-835.

Jamison, K. R. (1993). Touched with fire.New York: Free Press Paperbacks. p.18

Joiner, T. E., & Rudd, M. D. (2000). Intensity and duration of suicidal crises vary as a function of previous suicide attempts and negative life events. Journal of Counseling and Clinical Psychology, 68(5), 909-916.

Joiner, T. E., Walker, R. L., Rudd, M. D., & Jobes, D. A. (1999). Scientizing and routinizing the assessment of suicidality in outpatient practice. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 30(5), 447-453.

Klein, D. N., Santiago, N., Vivian, D., Schwartz, J. E., Vosisano, C., Blalock, J., et al. (2003). Therapeutic alliance in depression treatment: Controlling for prior change and patient characteristics. Journal of Counseling and Clinical Psychology, 71, 997-1006.

O’Carroll, P. W., Berman, A. L., Maris, R. W., Moscicki, E. K., Tanney, B. L., & Silverman, M. M. (1996). Beyond the tower of babel: A nomenclature for suicidology. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 26(3), 237-252.

Rosenberg, J. I. (1999). Suicide prevention: An integrated training model using affective and action-based interventions. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 30(1), 83-87.

Rudd, M. D. (1998). An integrative conceptual and organizational framework for treating suicidal behavior. Psychotherapy, 35(3), 346-360.

Rudd, M. D., Joiner, T. E., Jobes, D. A., & King, C. A. (1999). The outpatient treatment of suicidality: An integration of science and recognition of its limitations. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 30(5), 437-446.

Walker, R. L., Joiner, T. E., & Rudd, M. D. (2001). The course of post-crisis suicidal symptoms: How and for whom is suicide “cathartic”? Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 31(2), 144-152.

perception

Had a visit with my primary doc today and it went well. I got what I needed and now just need to settle for the month of what ifs until next month. We discussed the paper I sent him and agreed that though my intention was clear with him, his staff was a moron in handling it. Instead of getting the point of what my pain was meaning to me, they just focused on the small suicide part and disregarded everything else in the paper, which pissed me off. I had given this to my neurologist and my psychiatrist and if there was any suicidal warning in the paper, I think the white coats would have been thrown at me in a heart beat. But this is what it is, CYAM (Cover Your Ass Medicine). My neurological condition ignored and I am again just a mentally ill patient.

 

After my appt I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I came home and had something to eat as I hadn’t eaten anything all day. My foot was sore from walking around and felt like I was walking on hot pokers. I debated on taking something but decided against it because I didn’t want to be sleepy.  Tonight the show Perception is on and I can’t wait to watch it but it is a few hours away. This show has found meaning to me with the parallels of the main character’s struggle with schizophrenia and my own battles with psychosis. I too have the main voices and the ones that come along just to haunt me.

 

I tried writing on my suicide attempt paper but it really did not hold my attention for long. I seem to have lost my writing ability for this for now. I ended up editing it a little bit trying to make it make sense a little more. My hopes of it being a sequel to my other paper have been dashed, as it is already so long there is no way I can introduce the lyrics now.  Plus I have not felt strongly about this song in a long time so trying to get the juices flowing has been slow and uneventful. I wish I could turn and write the paper like I did the other but I had more to go on with the other than with this one. It has turned painfully personal and I just cannot let the human element of this new paper die with just what I have written. My experiences, though I do not know if they are valuable, have been injected into this and I can’t seem to remove them without taking away from the paper. Now I find myself writing about every attempt I have made in my life and the consequences of those actions.  I don’t know if that is what people want to read about but I write about the aftermath and how it felt after each failed attempt.  Maybe I have just given up on trying again and that is why it has been so long since I have attempted again. True I feel like the biggest failure in the world knowing this but how can I not. This is deeply personal talking about the lowest point in my life and wanting to end it all and then by some grace, still be forced to live on afterwards because of some kind of divine intervention. Of the many attempts I have tried, only 1 was medically serious to warrant a hospitalization. The others were not so serious but did lead me to another hospitalization. Since the age of sixteen I have had close to 30 hospitalizations. Most have been involuntary as I posed a danger to myself and it is law to hospitalize for that reason. I just wonder why I have survived this long. Am I suicidal if I don’t attempt and just plan? We can go into the whole what makes a person a suicidal ideator vs an attempter but most would agreed prevention lies in before the attempt not after. We hear stories about suicides and their survivors but what you don’t hear at all is about the attempter that survived. These truly are the ones that need the most attention to but because their world is so private no one really knows. Unless someone survives a shotgun wound or emmolation or hanging attempt, you often don’t see the scars of attempters. True those that slice their wrist leave scars but most do survive to eventually tell their tale. There are countless overdoses every year that get under reported or if successful get ruled as accidental poisonings rather than suicides mostly to either spare the family the “shame” or because there was no clear indication that the poisoning was intentional. Most people believe that unless there is a suicide note, it is not a suicide because he or she wouldn’t do that. I would say that the majority of people who attempt and fail feel too ashamed to admit what they have done and so cover their asses by saying it was an accident or just a foolish impulse but for those that succeed we will never know.