I took a shower today and then had breakfast. I am now at Starbucks having Isla Flores today because they were out of my Kati Kati. I am sad they are out. I don’t know if they will have it again and I am cursing myself that I didn’t buy a bag. It would have been awesome to have at home. I think I am going to have two cups today because it just feels like that kind of day. I am hoping I can work on my book today but I just don’t know where to go with it. I feel like it is already reading but it is only about 50 pages. Not even long enough to consider it a book. It’s more like a pamphlet. If I don’t work on my biography I will work on my lyric book. I started it the last time I was here but I kept on getting distracted and couldn’t so much as copy the lyric into the comp notebook.
I have decided that if I am going to write to my therapist, it is going to be in a comp notebook so that I am not wasting paper, per se. I don’t know if she reads my letters. Most times not because she just doesn’t have the time to read it. Granted the letters are no longer interesting. I no longer have clinical insights that made the letters interesting. I just write about my day, like my blog, and a little about what is happening to me emotionally.
Right now I am so tired, I could go back for a nap. I just can’t keep my mind on track. Maybe writing away from home isn’t for me. I know there are days that I can do it but most often than not I can’t. I have to be shut out in my room to think. I think it is because the voices are kind of shut out. I have the annoying voice back. She has been a constant intruder of my thoughts, wanting me to take more pain medication than I should. I don’t like this voice. I never have liked commanding voices. They scare me.
Today I was thinking about how my living with CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome) has changed since going on disability. I no longer have to think about my bodily functions as much or worry about them as much since I am at home doing nothing most of the day. The days of trying to work two jobs to support myself while constantly being in pain and then in the background thinking about if I will have an bladder or bowel accident are over, least for now. I don’t live freely as sometime I do have a bladder accident or a bowel accident from time to time. I would have had one today had my stools been softer, even though I was home. What I thought was gas was really stool trying to come out. I can’t tell the difference anymore since I lost feeling in my rectum almost seven years ago. It something I don’t talk about often because I know most people think that I am normal. Most people who read my blog do have CES. I don’t have the full-blown version of CES, the complete foot drop, leg paralysis, loss of saddle feeling, loss of bowel and bladder function. I have what I term CES-lite. My CES was caught early both times I got it. I have the weakness in my foot, no ankle reflexes in either foot, and some impairment of the bowel and bladder. I won’t discuss the sexual feelings that I lost because it is painful for me to describe and I have had a tough time dealing with that loss.
I really don’t know how I was once able to work two jobs with the level of pain that I was in. Of course the pain was not as prominent during the day as it was at night. When it started happening during the day and interfering with my work, that is when I had to reevaluate my situation. And I unfortunately, picked the wrong move. I should have stayed with my research job because even though I had work restrictions, my research boss would have been accommodating to some degree. And I could apply for SSD and still work part time. Now that I can’t go back because I no longer have a car nor a good driving record, it really sucks.
midnightdemons7 