religion and faith

I am not a religious person in the least. I lost my faith years ago and more so when the Catholic church turned out to be a hornet’s nest of pedophiles. But when it came to suicidality, I remember asking the priest to ask for forgiveness for me because I didn’t feel remorse about wanting to take my life. I was pretty messed up and just a teen but I felt that I should die because I was an evil person.  The priest did not condone me on wanting to take my life but I was still asking god to forgive me for I wanted to take my life and break one of his commandments on “thou shall not kill”. I have tried to wrap my head around it but after several weeks of going to church and praying for forgiveness, I finally tried to take my life. Fortunately, I didn’t succeed.

I was thinking about how faith can affect someone. Who are we really putting our faith into? Is it a god that we believe in or a higher power?  Most people believe that there is a god, even if they do not go to church every week/day. As you get older you tend to follow church more closely. We may even decide to talk to the pastor or priest or reverend to find the answers we are looking for because everything happens for a reason, so they say. Maybe by me telling god that I was going to kill myself, he intervened and I did not end up dying like most people would have. If I didn’t throw up I doubt I would be here today.

Why do we put a god or other higher power in our trust? Could it be that we are looking of the whys of what is wrong with our lives or for a bad thing that has happened to us? When a sick child has cancer, we tend to punish the god for taking the child away. When I was in the 7th grade, my priest said that if I went to church for a year, faithfully, that good things will happen. My life was going poorly. My parents were arguing every day and it hurt to see them fight all the time and it made me mad but I didn’t have anyone to talk to about my problems. I kept it in and became depressed. I excelled in school because it became my escape from my troubles. I went to church, sometimes two days in a row on weekends and went to confession, the whole kit and caboodle.  When my year was coming to a close, disaster struck, WWIII in my house happened and my parents split up in the biggest fight they ever had. I was traumatized by what happened and still am to this day. My father took his shot gun out of his closet and threatened my cousin if he didn’t leave the house. My cousin was protecting my mother but after all was said and done, I couldn’t understand why God had let this happen. I was devoted to him and wanted peace and instead it resulted in my wanting to take my life. Did god want me to join him? Was that why he wanted me to kill myself and then for me to hear voices telling me to so that I can escape this world and end up in another place? Did he really want me to become psychotic so that my Navy career would end before it even started?  No one had the answers for me. Yet my belief then shrunk big time. I stopped going to mass. I stopped believing in god. I felt so hurt and betrayed I wanted to yell at the priest that told me my life was going to change after a year of attending mass when it did not change for the good. Granted my parents were not going to stay together and there was nothing to really do about it. But I blamed god just the same. People might say that I am vindictive about this as I do feel wicked guilty about trying to take my life. I was a good Christian up until then. When my world came apart so did my heart and soul. I was splitting in every direction and I know that if I gave into the voices that night, I probably would be a schizophrenic right now. I still have the voices but they are managed. I tried to go back to church after all that has happened but after I tried to take my life, I have not set foot in a church since voluntarily. I have gone to churches for funerals and weddings but that is the ONLY time I have set foot in them. Some times when things are going bad I do admit I will go to the hospital chapel and pray for my friend or family member that is having difficulty. I may not believe in a god anymore but I do believe there is a higher power out there directing things to happen, whether it be angels or just faith.

6 thoughts on “religion and faith

  1. It seems to me that, against the odds, you have already achieved a tremendous amount, and are now going on to develop your own spirituality, or, perhaps, your understanding of your own spirituality, and I wish you great success in doing so. Whatever direction your search takes I hope that you draw strength from it and go on to achieve greater success.

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  2. I have actually found the reverse is true. Many people I know have moved away from religions and beliefs, the older they get. Certainly true in my own case. As a child, and especially at school, we were encouraged not to question the religious teachings we were getting. But as I have lived through life, and explored more, then I have done, and found them all lacking in any substance.

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  3. Sounds like you are a person of faith to me. I think you are right. The older you get, the more you think about what or who is out there higher power-wise and also form your own opinions on this too. No matter what the church or authority figures may say. True for me anyways. So glad your attempt did not work and here you are sharing your thoughts with us.

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  4. I think you know my views on religions, gods & faith. Yes, I suppose it could be a crutch for some people… But then I see it in the same light as denial. So I don’t believe, I am not “spiritual” in any sense. But I do get severely pissed off when people try to tell me that my suffering is part of their god’s plan, or that it is a punishment, or a test. It is a load of bollocks, and I feel only useful for people that do not have the courage to face real life, with warts and all. I used to try to believe in a god (I went to a VERY religious school), but I am much more content living, without all the nonsense that surrounds religion & faith. The UK is a fairly secular country, South Africa is much more religious, and I find it really hypocritical. I used to help in a local church with their Xmas services, purely because they needed an “English” voice to read some of the English texts, but I stopped, when I found out that the same church (albeit during the days of Apartheid) used to make the (non-white) cleaners, clean the floor facing away from the Altar, just in case they got a sneaky prayer in the “whites only” church. It is the same congregation.

    I am aware that the US is also a very religious country; I find it horrific / scary / deeply troubling when I hear your politicians invoking a god for all sorts of nonsense. Bush jnr (who I really didn’t like) used his presidential veto twice…both times to remove funding for stem cell research, and used his own wacko beliefs to justify the decision. Well thanks to that moron, all of us with CES, and Arachnoiditis (all around the world) have had our potential cure delayed. At least the present incumbent lifted that ban (even though he clearly has to pretend he is a person of faith, as their would be no chance of him getting a vote if he admitted that he was an atheist). i was sad, when he originally tried to pander to the god squadders by being against gay marriage, and suggesting that it was a question of faith. Thankfully he has the character to admit he was wrong on that one.

    Sorry…in a pissy mood today… Been a tough couple of weeks.

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