Dostoevsky: Love and Suicides

Dostoevsky: Love and suicides

I was just about to give up on finishing reading this deathly boring book about religion and brothers when I came across an interesting passage that made me love Dostoevsky even more than I already love him. He wrote about loving one another no matter what and if you cannot love a man, love the earth and soak it with your tears so the fruits can come up, or something like that. Then when I was finished reading that section, he writes this:

“But woe to those who slain themselves on earth. Woe to the suicides! I believe that there can be none more miserable than they. They tell us that it is a sin to pray for them and outwardly the church, as it were, renounces them, but in my secret heart I believe that we may pray even for them. Love can never be an offence to Christ. For such as those I have prayed inwardly all my life. I confess it, fathers and teachers, even now I pray for them every day”. Father Zossima in Brothers Karamazov.

I am reading this book on Kindle so I can’t quote the page it is on. But isn’t it beautiful? That in the late 1800’s a man wanted to pray for suicides when they were condemned by the church? And in Russia of all places!

Don’t know how I feel

Don’t know how I feel

I don’t know how I feel. I just woke up two hours ago. I just couldn’t wake up. I kept on having strange dreams. Nothing scary, just weird. I wish I could remember them but they have escape my mind. I am still feeling pretty tired and want to order pizza for dinner. But I just had lunch and right now I just want to eat ice cream. I hate when I sleep so late in the day. I guess I needed the sleep as this week has been awful but still. It sucks.

I just took the daily mood questionnaire thing that I am participating in. I guess walking from my room to the kitchen and back equals 1 minute of walking time. I don’t know why I bother with this. It’s not like my answers change daily. They mostly stay the same, unless I am having a bad day. I really don’t care anymore about my the damn data points. I should uninstall the app but I will give it a little more time. I forget which Twitter buddy sent me the link. If I find it, I will share it here in case you are interested in participating.

I have been playing my game, though I don’t know what is the point. The game shuts down in a month. I guess just to finish up what I am doing as much as possible. The crops that used to be for horseshoes are now for coins, so that helps. I hope I can get a few missions completed in a month.

I still feel like maybe I should be in the hospital. It’s not that I feel like harming myself, I just don’t feel safe. I still feel pretty paranoid, like I am always being watched and I can’t shake it. My psychiatrist has given the ok to take the trilafon as needed, but she prefers that I don’t use it. But I sort of need a PRN to help with this stuff even though it causes me to feel nothing. I kind of feel like I am a piece of stone while taking it. My thoughts are a little bit more clearer when I take it though right now, everything seems fuzzy. I still think that if I wear my headphones, thoughts will get implanted in my head. So I haven’t been wearing them. As long as my phone plays the music through its speaker, I will be ok, I think.

I read more about my cousin’s boyfriend, or should I say, fiancé. He was a really good kid, though I am not surprised. It’s always the good ones that get taken early. He apparently fell 60 feet while snowboarding. He succumbed to his injuries five days after the fall. He was 23 not 24. I feel so bad. Wake is tomorrow and I have decided I am not going to go. I feel bad and everything but I really can’t handle grief right now. Call me selfish, but I need to think of my own suffering right now. Besides, being in a room full of grieving people might set off my already increasing paranoia. I have always been sensitive to others but their grief might set me off the edge.

I feel depressed but I don’t know why. It could be because of the sadness I feel for my cousin. I don’t know her very well. She is my Uncle’s daughter. I probably would have known her better if they didn’t move to another state close by. I really love my uncle. He is the one that is not really a jerk or an asshole. He is a very good guy and a hard worker that always is there when you need him. Unlike my mother’s other brothers. I know this will pass but it just sucks right now. My sister feels so bad that she keeps thinking about it. It really is a just a tragic thing to go through.

I often why I am fixated on Allah. He isn’t really my “god”, though if all gods are the same, then I guess he could be my god. I don’t really believe in a god. I believe there is a higher Providence or Power that rules things. I used to believe in the three spirits but all that was shaken when my family broke up. See, my priest at the time, said that if you go to church for a year, things will change. I went faithfully for almost a year, sometimes twice a week I went. And then when that year was almost to a close, I was suicidal and my family was apart. Some change. I blamed God for this and that priest. Oh, how I hated him. I don’t even remember his name, now. I never knew about Allah, or any other religion, until I was an adult. I grew up Catholic so I naively thought everyone was Catholic. I didn’t know there was Protestants, Jewish people, etc. Everyone I knew was Catholic and we all went to the same church, or one like it. I don’t really know the exact moment I heard about Allah. Maybe while I was reading the History of God, though in the book, he was called Mohammad. The book was very dense and didn’t offer too much breathing room. I never finished it because I just couldn’t get through it. But I guess, I learned about Allah when Muslims started entering the US and I wanted to learn more about them. I don’t believe that ISIS are Muslims like they say they are. They are aliens that want to kill and control people. Because why would these people kill their own kind? Doesn’t make sense. From what I have learned, Allah is a peaceful god that wants peace in the world. Why he wants to control me, I have no idea. It is what I believe. He isn’t being too vocal. Meds are keeping him quiet at the moment. I hope he stays quiet.

Faith and Hope

Faith and Hope: Are they the same?

“There is no such thing as hopeless if you believe” –Joe Nichols, Impossible

Though these two statements appear contradictory, they are the same. Faith comes from the belief in something, a God or Higher power that someone believe in whole heartedly exists even without real proof of that existence. Hope comes from within, a source that is based on faith but not wholeheartedly. People who don’t have faith do have hope, least that is what I believe as I am one of those people. I no longer have faith in a god but do believe there is a higher power. But I believe that hope does exist because without it, you are left with hopelessness and despair, which is not a good feeling. Are faith and hope feelings? Maybe. I believe that both can exist without the other. It’s belief, not faith that ties it together. If people believe in faith, it exists. If people believe in hope, it exists. If people believe in both, then it exists.

Most people have hope more than they have faith, unless they are deeply religious, than they have both. If someone believes there is a God out there, then their faith lies in that and so does their hope. Those like me who don’t believe in a God, just rely on hope to be there.

religion and faith

I am not a religious person in the least. I lost my faith years ago and more so when the Catholic church turned out to be a hornet’s nest of pedophiles. But when it came to suicidality, I remember asking the priest to ask for forgiveness for me because I didn’t feel remorse about wanting to take my life. I was pretty messed up and just a teen but I felt that I should die because I was an evil person.  The priest did not condone me on wanting to take my life but I was still asking god to forgive me for I wanted to take my life and break one of his commandments on “thou shall not kill”. I have tried to wrap my head around it but after several weeks of going to church and praying for forgiveness, I finally tried to take my life. Fortunately, I didn’t succeed.

I was thinking about how faith can affect someone. Who are we really putting our faith into? Is it a god that we believe in or a higher power?  Most people believe that there is a god, even if they do not go to church every week/day. As you get older you tend to follow church more closely. We may even decide to talk to the pastor or priest or reverend to find the answers we are looking for because everything happens for a reason, so they say. Maybe by me telling god that I was going to kill myself, he intervened and I did not end up dying like most people would have. If I didn’t throw up I doubt I would be here today.

Why do we put a god or other higher power in our trust? Could it be that we are looking of the whys of what is wrong with our lives or for a bad thing that has happened to us? When a sick child has cancer, we tend to punish the god for taking the child away. When I was in the 7th grade, my priest said that if I went to church for a year, faithfully, that good things will happen. My life was going poorly. My parents were arguing every day and it hurt to see them fight all the time and it made me mad but I didn’t have anyone to talk to about my problems. I kept it in and became depressed. I excelled in school because it became my escape from my troubles. I went to church, sometimes two days in a row on weekends and went to confession, the whole kit and caboodle.  When my year was coming to a close, disaster struck, WWIII in my house happened and my parents split up in the biggest fight they ever had. I was traumatized by what happened and still am to this day. My father took his shot gun out of his closet and threatened my cousin if he didn’t leave the house. My cousin was protecting my mother but after all was said and done, I couldn’t understand why God had let this happen. I was devoted to him and wanted peace and instead it resulted in my wanting to take my life. Did god want me to join him? Was that why he wanted me to kill myself and then for me to hear voices telling me to so that I can escape this world and end up in another place? Did he really want me to become psychotic so that my Navy career would end before it even started?  No one had the answers for me. Yet my belief then shrunk big time. I stopped going to mass. I stopped believing in god. I felt so hurt and betrayed I wanted to yell at the priest that told me my life was going to change after a year of attending mass when it did not change for the good. Granted my parents were not going to stay together and there was nothing to really do about it. But I blamed god just the same. People might say that I am vindictive about this as I do feel wicked guilty about trying to take my life. I was a good Christian up until then. When my world came apart so did my heart and soul. I was splitting in every direction and I know that if I gave into the voices that night, I probably would be a schizophrenic right now. I still have the voices but they are managed. I tried to go back to church after all that has happened but after I tried to take my life, I have not set foot in a church since voluntarily. I have gone to churches for funerals and weddings but that is the ONLY time I have set foot in them. Some times when things are going bad I do admit I will go to the hospital chapel and pray for my friend or family member that is having difficulty. I may not believe in a god anymore but I do believe there is a higher power out there directing things to happen, whether it be angels or just faith.