Don’t know how I feel

Don’t know how I feel

I don’t know how I feel. I just woke up two hours ago. I just couldn’t wake up. I kept on having strange dreams. Nothing scary, just weird. I wish I could remember them but they have escape my mind. I am still feeling pretty tired and want to order pizza for dinner. But I just had lunch and right now I just want to eat ice cream. I hate when I sleep so late in the day. I guess I needed the sleep as this week has been awful but still. It sucks.

I just took the daily mood questionnaire thing that I am participating in. I guess walking from my room to the kitchen and back equals 1 minute of walking time. I don’t know why I bother with this. It’s not like my answers change daily. They mostly stay the same, unless I am having a bad day. I really don’t care anymore about my the damn data points. I should uninstall the app but I will give it a little more time. I forget which Twitter buddy sent me the link. If I find it, I will share it here in case you are interested in participating.

I have been playing my game, though I don’t know what is the point. The game shuts down in a month. I guess just to finish up what I am doing as much as possible. The crops that used to be for horseshoes are now for coins, so that helps. I hope I can get a few missions completed in a month.

I still feel like maybe I should be in the hospital. It’s not that I feel like harming myself, I just don’t feel safe. I still feel pretty paranoid, like I am always being watched and I can’t shake it. My psychiatrist has given the ok to take the trilafon as needed, but she prefers that I don’t use it. But I sort of need a PRN to help with this stuff even though it causes me to feel nothing. I kind of feel like I am a piece of stone while taking it. My thoughts are a little bit more clearer when I take it though right now, everything seems fuzzy. I still think that if I wear my headphones, thoughts will get implanted in my head. So I haven’t been wearing them. As long as my phone plays the music through its speaker, I will be ok, I think.

I read more about my cousin’s boyfriend, or should I say, fiancé. He was a really good kid, though I am not surprised. It’s always the good ones that get taken early. He apparently fell 60 feet while snowboarding. He succumbed to his injuries five days after the fall. He was 23 not 24. I feel so bad. Wake is tomorrow and I have decided I am not going to go. I feel bad and everything but I really can’t handle grief right now. Call me selfish, but I need to think of my own suffering right now. Besides, being in a room full of grieving people might set off my already increasing paranoia. I have always been sensitive to others but their grief might set me off the edge.

I feel depressed but I don’t know why. It could be because of the sadness I feel for my cousin. I don’t know her very well. She is my Uncle’s daughter. I probably would have known her better if they didn’t move to another state close by. I really love my uncle. He is the one that is not really a jerk or an asshole. He is a very good guy and a hard worker that always is there when you need him. Unlike my mother’s other brothers. I know this will pass but it just sucks right now. My sister feels so bad that she keeps thinking about it. It really is a just a tragic thing to go through.

I often why I am fixated on Allah. He isn’t really my “god”, though if all gods are the same, then I guess he could be my god. I don’t really believe in a god. I believe there is a higher Providence or Power that rules things. I used to believe in the three spirits but all that was shaken when my family broke up. See, my priest at the time, said that if you go to church for a year, things will change. I went faithfully for almost a year, sometimes twice a week I went. And then when that year was almost to a close, I was suicidal and my family was apart. Some change. I blamed God for this and that priest. Oh, how I hated him. I don’t even remember his name, now. I never knew about Allah, or any other religion, until I was an adult. I grew up Catholic so I naively thought everyone was Catholic. I didn’t know there was Protestants, Jewish people, etc. Everyone I knew was Catholic and we all went to the same church, or one like it. I don’t really know the exact moment I heard about Allah. Maybe while I was reading the History of God, though in the book, he was called Mohammad. The book was very dense and didn’t offer too much breathing room. I never finished it because I just couldn’t get through it. But I guess, I learned about Allah when Muslims started entering the US and I wanted to learn more about them. I don’t believe that ISIS are Muslims like they say they are. They are aliens that want to kill and control people. Because why would these people kill their own kind? Doesn’t make sense. From what I have learned, Allah is a peaceful god that wants peace in the world. Why he wants to control me, I have no idea. It is what I believe. He isn’t being too vocal. Meds are keeping him quiet at the moment. I hope he stays quiet.

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