you should not kill yourself when you are suicidal

Nothing interesting happened today. I just thought I would write about some more ramblings. I am feeling pretty down and I know the reason I just can’t do anything about it and it is killing me. I had written something about myself that is deeply personal but I keep writing about it and then erase it after I write a few sentences. I really wonder what my life will be like to live openly as who I am and not what I am. I really don’t think that is possible. I once considered it but it takes too much of an effort to confront those demons that are hurting me so. I still think that a fragile self is better than a whole one. I am too weak to fight these demons this stage of my life. I really feel that if I did I would fall apart and never be whole again. It takes all I have to live through each day and not break down and cry. I just cannot bare the thought of continuing to live a lie to myself. I must find a way or it will destroy me and I fear that self destruction is better than life itself.

I have been writing a synopsis of Baumeister’s Suicide as Escape from self. I find that it resonates with me on the deepest level. Yet as close as his words are to my real life throughout his jargon, I can make sense of why he feels that escape of self is the heart of suicide. And it is. I just want to escape into oblivion, where I do not think anymore, I have no feelings whatsoever, and am totally as he says, irrational. I am listening to Adele and wondering if I will ever be happy as she is. I won’t. being happy is not a part of my personality. Suicide has become my career and one day it will take my life. I cannot live with these feelings of self-loathing and hate for too much longer. It really strikes at my soul at the despise I feel toward myself. There is a song by the counting crows of how can I get myself away from me…that pretty much sums up Escape from self in a nutshell…

Is it wrong to want to die? I know in my heart of hearts that I will die by my own hand, it is a certainty that I am willing to live with but will others ever be on the same page as me. The all want me to live because they think I have a higher purpose in this life than the one I am living but I do not share their sentiments. I really think that by killing myself, I will be free. I will no longer suffer and that is truly what all suicidal people want, they want their suffering to end because it is too painful to continue to breathe life.  The only thing stopping me is well, I am not really sure what is stopping me. I guess I just have not been so suicidal that I really feel like acting on it. But then, according to the big suicidologists, you should not kill yourself when you are suicidal. So what do you do when you want to die but are not feeling suicidal??

One thought on “you should not kill yourself when you are suicidal

  1. What do you live for? Who do you live for? This is something I’ve had to deeply ponder in my own recovery process.

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